Updated on 1-Oct-09 – “Expired post. I can’t relate to these emotions anymore.”
In all my life so far there have been 3 lucky men to whom I have expressed my feelings and quite fortunately have been rejected by, now when I look back, “what was I thinking?”
To the 1st one I had sent a handwritten love letter which he probably didn’t even read. Very silly and emotional one it was. I was in Xth standard then. To the 2nd one I sent an email from my official ID. He didn’t reply to it, didn’t reply to a series of emails asking the same question and seeking a simple answer. But he never replied. It finally ended at me being nasty to him and he being doubly nasty to me. That was year 2000 I lost the copy of all the emails when I quit that job.
Today I am writing about the 3rd one. Some day I’d write about the other two also, and then I’d write about that one guy I think I actually loved but never expressed my feelings.
So this was in 2006. I have already documented how I met and how I felt about RM on this blog all through Feb to May 06. But for readers convenience I am gonna do a recap. RM joined the backpackers group I started in 2005. That’s how I know him.
He joined in Feb and I expressed my feelings in May. In between I went through the usual ‘should I shouldn’t I’ dilemma. To add to the dilemma, was the fact that he was already aware of my feelings via a common friend but he insisted I tell him directly. I was confused, initially I wondered why was he insisting on me telling directly, if he has to say anything he can tell through that friend. Then I wondered why insist on expressing at all unless he also feels the same way. I just couldn’t expect that his intentions were to first flatter his ego by hearing it from me and then reject me. But like I say, truth is stranger than fiction, and ‘this is my truth.’
On April 4 2006 I wrote on this blog:
A good friend common to both of us have been giving him these hints bout what I have in mind, hints to such extent that even a donkey would know who is she talking bout…
him – tell me who is she
my friend – She is one of x y and z
him – is it x
my friend – No its certainly not x
him – and it certainly can’t be y
my friend – then who is left?
him – [silence]
Tell me do you still need to hear it from me. Why do you wanna know? What will you do? Did you ever ask the sun who does it shines for…you long for the warmth of sunshine, you go get it.
I have faced rejection thrice. Twice at my face, once through one common friend. All petty crushes, I got over too soon, but what I felt while being rejected was too painful. I carry all my baggage with me. I act apprehensively. Men, I have been romantically inclined towards, have only hurt me. Most of them are too coward to face the girl from yesterday and I hate loosing friends…I don’t want to loose your friendship.
Sometimes a man can be very shy he doesn’t want to make the first move, he’d rather have the girl make the first move, he makes the second and they move on. Then there are other times when a man doesn’t wanna make any move at all because he have got nothing to do with the girl or her feelings, but he would still wanna hear it from her just cause it boosts his ego. I don’t know which kind are you. You are too secretive about yourself and I don’t wanna take a risk…No am not such a dare devil.
This is one of the hardest thing to do…and I could never do it properly. To know everything you want is right there in front of you and not being able to reach out and have them. And yet not being able to get over it and move on. You don’t stop wishing you could have them, you don’t stop wishing and praying, you know there is no hope and still you try to hold on to that weak string of hope…Has it ever happened to you?
This is what is happening to me these days. And I can’t even fully write about it here cause some one reads this blog quite regularly. Although that is the purpose of this blog, here I say things, which I can’t say at your face.
I don’t know what to do?
Wait and watch?
Get over and move on?
And then in May 06 at one sudden spur of the moment I felt like saying it all. Well as always I emailed him. Here’s what I wrote to him.
24th May 06
I would have written another mail to you today if you would have not called. A very weird mail, would have blown up everything I was trying to build. The mail was drafted in my mind in the bus on my way back home, I even had thought of the subject line, “am letting you go“. You see ’bout 2 hours of travelling time i get…time enough to loose my mind. In fact I even had few drops of tears. Ok I know I am crazy. Looking back why couldn’t I have the trust that you must be busy with something really important. Am such a freak.
I do this every time. I run outta patience too easily, being pessimist to the core i get scared easily, I complicate things. With time, I am running out of patience even more easily, my chasing stamina also diminishing. Honestly, I am more hyper-sensitive, weak at heart and paranoid than being cool…am not so cool really. Just like any other girl I do need an emotional support to sustain and can’t live alone at all, contrary to something I keep claiming.
Why am I saying all this? Well, you know already, Snig told you. Still making it official before its too late, since I came this close of letting you go, should tell you I wanna hold on to you.
“I have feelings for you” what’s that? I don’t know. I am not in love coz there’s nothing called one sided love, love can only happen when two people feel the same way for some considerable length of time.
I don’t have a crush on you coz i don’t have butterflies in stomach everytime i hear, think or see you.
I am not talking of marriage either coz I am scared of marriage.
Then what is this? May be a desire to be with you. May be am seeking a companionship, someone to fill the gap, someone to call at the end of the day and someone who will always call at the end of the day. Someone to hold hands in front of friends, someone to claim as mine, someone who calls me honey, someone who would always have time for me someone who would manaao me when i am angry.
A lot of public attention, leg pulling, treating me like a kid, all work for me and you have been doing all that. The very first time we met, in metro station, you wanted me to keep my wallet in the purse cause otherwise I’d lose it, i liked you instantly. Dunno bout love at first sight, but its sure is *like you* at first sight.
I am very possesive about the people in my life. I need constant attention, I love being taken care of, being pampered, although I am smart at most of the things I like pretending I am not and would rather want my man to take care of things. A complete irony I call myself a feminist.
So there you have the pros and cons besides you have known me for couple of months and as you say you are a good judge of people.
Do lemme know if you have any of the kinds of feelings i just spoke about for me or any other feeling i might have not mentioned here or do you consider me as just a friend, is it the same feeling that you probably have for Snig??
I would want us to be a little more than friends to begin with and then see where we can go. Of course it depends upon you. So do lemme know.
And don’t worry I am way beyond those “post proposal/rejection embarrassment state” we used to have in college so my writing this mail isn’t going to make any difference to the friendship we already have.
Hmmm hope I have covered everything…..
Oops no I haven’t. Did you notice even when I have to tell someone that I like him the whole mail is about ME, Myself, I. Am so self obsessed.
I had to tell you, I find you really really nice and sweet, there are things about you which are so very special, I have known many men but you really are special. I wonder why is such a special person still single.
Ok now its done. You do what you have to do. I just had to tell you these lest tomorrow you come and say “You never asked me I had feelings for you, but now its gone“
God Bless You, Love,
PS. Fuck man I can’t believe I am doing this. This is so not me. I am never the one to initiate. This is crazy. Am I possessed by the other personality?? Hope i remember having written this tomorrow morning. Hope I don’t change overnight, like last time. Someday will tell you bout this real personality transformation that happened to me on two occasion from night to morning.
He didn’t reply to the email. But acknowledged through an sms that he got it and would soon reply. The next day he smsd me and asked, “I read the mail, so how do you want your answer, through sms, email or face 2 face?” And then he made a smiley. I replied, “All this is very new to me so I can’t tell, please feel free to chose your own medium, btw is the smiley at the end of each sms by default? He replied, “No its not default, I don’t go about smiling at every Mary, Kelly and Percy.”
Now I don’t know, what an average girl would make out of these sms exchange after reading that mail but I only built more hopes. I honestly didn’t see a rejection anywhere in the vicinity. Also to add for my readers information, this was not the only time he was being flirtatious. He is generally a charmer. For eg. just a day or two before I wrote the confession mail, one morning I smsd him, “such a lovely weather, I so feel like going on a road trip” He wrote back with his default smiley, “take an off on Saturday and we can drive to Jaipur.” I replied, “No I can’t take an off, and by ‘we’ you don’t mean just you and me, do you?” His flirty reply, “Of course I meant just you and me, now do u realize how little do you know me.”
Really, I would never understand why men play these games. And then they say women are complicated.
The next to next evening all of us Let’s Goers were to meet up at a friends place and party. Before the party begin he was sitting in one room checking emails and called me from there. I went up, stood next to him. He had my mail opened and this portion – I wonder why is such a special person still single – was in highlighted text. Without looking away from the computer screen he asked me, “how did you assume I was single.”
I wasn’t too shocked or anything. I said, “I didn’t assume, you said you were single. Not once but multiple times, your orkut profile says you are single, you mentioned it in your introduction mail to Let’s Go when the moderator (me) didn’t even ask for relationship status. All of the group thinks you are single.”
He said, “well things change.”
“Ok, fair enough then. You are not single. That’s the end of it.” And I left the room. We never spoke about it ever again. He never had a talk with me, never offered to explain anything more than that. We all stayed overnight at that place. I and him even spent time alone when everybody else were sleeping but we didn’t speak about the email. At 5 in the morning I dropped him to the nearest bus stand. That was the formal good bye. On my way back I had my car windows rolled up so that I could scream so loud like I have never screamed before. Not cry, not weep but scream.
We are still friends. Very close one at that, in fact he have helped me through tough times and have been there (for moral support) when no one else was around.
But till date once in a while I feel sad and angry but pretend nothing happened and there is no grudge, and sometimes I genuinely feel nothing happened.