Yesterday while on my way to office I was thinking a lot about my future. Was trying to draw a picture of myself five years from now.
I have this uncanny fear in me of voluntarily being some one, which the other part of me doesn’t want to be. I have a dual personality and I feel they are contradictory to each other.
One of the two personalities is ambitious, wants to be a workaholic, smart and sexy. One, who can go to any extent to realize her dreams and fulfill her ambition. It’s not just an imagination, I actually am this person. But only in parts. There is other side of my personality and I worry about the possibility of the other person taking over.
The other person is the simple woman in me. The woman for whom all that matters is a great man to love and be loved in return. When under the influence of this other person I want to be a good wife, daughter, mother and so on so that everybody would love me. This woman is nice to every body, is shy and timid. She keeps a low profile, wants to be taken care of. I want my man to be a strong support who can take charge of things. It doesn’t matter to me if he doesn’t care that I am a smart intelligent lawyer or anything.
I am a responsible person. Once given a responsibility I would carry it till my grave. I am not among those women who, in the attempt of balancing their careers and marriage, would shrug off certain responsibilities screwing up both not doing justice to either. I can’t do that. Marriage brings some duties and responsibilities and if I marry I would fulfill them.
But do I want to? Or which one of me wants to?
It is this conventional woman in me that I fear. I am afraid this woman might overpower the ambitious lawyer and might give up her career in order to take care of her family.
Tomorrow if I suddenly find true love, my soulmate and the whole deal, I may go overboard and get married. If that happens before I have made it big in my profession the chances of me ever getting there might just be jeopardized. Being lazy having a laid back attitude I might tell myself “What the heck I have found this great man so why the hell should I work now. Lemme just enjoy every moment of the loving and caring.”
But again I would not be happy for too long in this state either. I cannot be happy for too long with one thing, I constantly need a change, some thing new. I am so confused as to what exactly I want from my life.
I think I should always have my options open. Option of shuttling between the ambitious workaholic and the docile housewife. The other thing is that I have to get into that serious work life with immense responsibility which I wouldn’t be able to shrug off even if the domestic wife in me wants to. If love and marriage happens before professional duties, I will never get to the other side. So shoo all you men. I don’t need you in my life right now. First let the workaholic get sick and tired of work. Go away and see me after at least 2 years. I don’t need no man in my life right now.