I have to confess…

I have to confess that I am a lousy writer with endless pretensions. I have been wasting my time over the past few weeks, which is ok given the fact that it’s not precious any way, but what’s worse is, I have been wasting the precious time of so many of my blogmates making them read my sucking post which are nothing but results of my shameless pride which sprung up from an utter misunderstanding of my mind “that I can write”, that “I have a flair for writing”. After having poured whatever little thoughts I had in my mind decorating them with all sorts of catchy headings (confessions of crazy mind, durga durgati nashini jago and what not) this weekend I thought I’d finally read some of the popular blogs. Then…Oh then…did I realize where I stand in this blogger’s park full of intellectual professionals having off beat talents, great thinkers, philosophers…endless bloggers with such beautiful minds. This ‘realization’ in itself bothering me?

That’s not quite understandable I know, so for the convenience of YOU who is yet again trapped in my pretentious way of writing crap, reading yet another pointless post, post which is here only because I had to stay here (even if I am exhausted of beautiful ideas), post which is posted only to make sure that I CAN still blog, I would make it further clear why witnessing the immense talents of my fellow bloggers bothering me so much.

For first, I thought writing was my hobby (pretension again). Writing was never my hobby scribbling was. Every time a stupid crush would fail, every time my heart would break (for some silly reason), every time I’d have a fight with my mom or sis, I ‘d sulk, whine and cry and scribble in my personal diary. Who doesn’t do that? But I, with time, developed the arrogance of calling those spilling of emotions on diary as writing… I don’t stop here… in the backdrop of the recent blog bloom and with my latest DSL connection I decided to find out my way of being lazy in a smart way. I shamelessly copy the pages of my diary and put them on my blog…Why? Just cause I cannot be out of the race. If the world is talking bout it I gotta talk too…even if I don’t know the abc of what the world is talking about. Why? Just cause if I don’t participate in the talks I will go unnoticed, I won’t be able to make my presence felt. Why, It is important to make my presence felt, cause I am a soon-to-be 30 frustrated, lonely soul who doesn’t belongs to anybody, posing to be different, unique, special, smart and intelligent so some one would be highly interested in me and fall in love……huh ………As If.

I do everything with purpose, I go about telling people that I have multiple personalities just so someone might be fascinated with the idea. I make attempts to make my reader think in the way I want them to think… I don’t know a thing about poetry and I have an account in poemhunter.com just so that when someone does a google search of my name, it appears in the first page in bold letters…juth, fareb, makkari, banawat that’s what I am made with A pseudo lawyer, a pseudo writer, a pseudo everything…( I can hear you speak those words to me honey, the last time you spoke them to me…hope you are reading this)……

So I want to apologize to all of you who have left words in my praise earlier on my previous posts cause nothing is for real… thanks for being nice to me nonetheless.

I shall make a few promises to myself (which I know I am not gonna keep)

That I would not try to grab attention by hook or by crook
That I would let things take its natural shape and would not try to influence people’s thoughts
That I would not write posts just for the heck of writing them.
That I would try to be more innovative and real when it comes to writing, real writing.

I think I have filled enough space for a day’s post so I’d stop it here. This is not about my honest confession or my self realization, had that been the case I should have kept them to myself rather than telling it to the world trying to put the reader into serious thoughts regarding my state of mind or may be gather a few sympathy, but no this is yet again one of those post which is written cause I have no better things write about.

P.S. My love was not psuedo, I am not a psuedo lover….Its very easy to love someone plain easy and simple, it takes a lot of hardwork to love someone who is complicated and difficult….I was…I am…You gotta love back the person who loves you unconditionally…

Shyama –
Forgive me my Love
What is the curse for the sin I did, let the almighty bestow upon me
You forgive me
My sin was not in thy Book, sinner I am in God’s feet
There God shall unleash his rage, retribution be silently accepted by me
Never shall be able to bear your unforgiveness……..

Bajrasen –
Forgive her I could not
Forgive my un forgiveness my Lord

From ‘Shyama’ by Rabindranath Tagore, English Translation by me

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