21st May 2005

It was a terrible day today, bad start with a horrible fight with mom and sis. It was upsetting, sad.

I felt like leaving the house and never come back. I can do that. Have even had packed my bags once, but alas, the logistics did not fell in the right place. Could not afford to leave the luxuries daddy gave me. The fully automatic washing machine, the colour TV with cable connection, the gadgets in kitchen, dining hall, drawing room, the cooler etc and above all the PC with DSL connection (I think I have to ask some one now “tumhaare paas kya hai…echo till infinity).

Anyway so with a heavy heart and a terrible headache I somehow managed to pack my lunch and was off to work. Was a little late, reached by 10. On my way itself I knew I have to get some fags today, after ‘that’ fight it’s worth it. At around 10.30 I called Anand, informed him that when he goes downstairs for a fag he should call me.

I am not supposed to do this. I am his team leader, but, what the heck! I have resigned already, just couple of days more. Have maintained enough of professional hierarchy all these days. Made enough of enemies doing that…”Sanjukta be more assertive, You pamper your researchers too much” my boss have been telling me initially. And when Sanjukta finally became what a boss is supposed to be (not to my own researchers though)…well!! Why should any body like the boss.

I think I am loosing focus here…So as I was saying… I returned to my desk, after having informed Anand and having finished the routine stuffs, checking of the timesheets, attendance registers etc. Soon enough I started having a strange feeling.

Something was inside of me that wanted to come out. I could not concentrate. There was this strange feeling…like something inside me was going mad, wanted to escape my body it was running all through my blood, veins, trying to find a way. I was feeling giddy my eyes were about to close down…I didn’t know what was happening to me.

I had piles of files in front of me. Monday is my last working day here. I gotta pack up and hand over the charges but I just couldn’t work, my head was about to fall into two pieces my hands and feet were trembling.Is it because of the fight?” I thought. “Is it some kind of anxiety attack?” “May be if I smoke I’d feel better.” 

Me and Anand took a round of N Block. I had 2 classic regulars back to back. I could feel the smoke traveling through my throat reaching the lungs, suddenly it seemed like it had lost its way, it started taking a trip of my entire body, I felt nauseated as it reached near my naval then again it started traveling upwards and reached straight to my head. At that moment the land beneath my feet moved a little. I thought earthquake but Anand looked cool. I still felt the earth was moving. “Let’s go back”, I said. Anand looked confused. He could geuss I am not ok but didn’t say anything.

Back at my desk now I realized that the fags have actually deteriorated the condition. I thought I am going to collapse. I did for half an hour or so. I didn’t care if boss comes, I didn’t care if my researchers come. I just needed it. I buried my head in my hands, leaned against my chair for about 10 min. Then I made some space on the desk to rest my head and spent another 20 min. Some thing in my body still bubbling and spiraling up trying to come out.

While the body was thus reacting the mind was playing with thoughts, thoughts crazy and wild. May be I have that deadly killer fever attacking Delhi…may be some one near to me is in danger and needs my help. Heart beating faster and faster with every beat and pulse rating higher and higher.

I wont say I slept but it was somewhat a small nap. Was woken up by the sound of an unusual ringtone “vande mataram”. I thought I just got some relief. The mind felt better the wild thoughts have settled down. The heart beats were slow. Apprehensively I pulled out a file and started going through it. It was lunch time by now. I didn’t know whether I should eat or not. Had no appetite. But ate nonetheless. Although I wasn’t sure whether I should take the regular post lunch walk or not after a little hesitation I went for it.

 Checked out Giggles the fun gift shop – wanted to pick a gift for boss kinda like a memento…didn’t like anything. Anyway so after the walk was over right when I was about to enter the elevator I felt I was feeling better……………and then it struck me.

Goodness gracious it took me so long to figure out – that thing inside wanting to come out was ‘gas’…… I needed to fart… … oops was that supposed to be censored??? But we all have to one time or the other. Don’t we?? Sorry to disappoint you by such an anti-climax. I gotta run see the doc my ulcer started troubling me again (not that I know it for sure it’s an ulcer but in all probabilities it is).