Another wall

I should have written this post long time back… the very next day I wrote the previous post to be more precise. That’s cause me and dad were back being the best of friends the very next day. We have these fights always and then we forget next minute that’s how it has always been. Though the legal intricacies about that flat is still not understood and sorted out, but as encounter specialist commented I have left things to him only to be prepared to handle things later, God forbid, if they go wrong.

USAID suddenly (to my knowledge) pulled out all the funds and the project I just joined 3 months back is being shut down. I was really exited bout this project. I would have done a great job, too bad I didn’t even get a chance to perform and now All my bags are packed I’m ready to go

At times I think I have screwed up my whole career and am a looser big time. In this profession (or all profession i guess) we have a very single route to follow, a single pattern…if you deviate a little from that set pattern you can assume you are never getting back on track. 1-2 years of work as a junior, when you don’t get paid anything, you do all the running around the Courts, the drafting, copying, filing…follow your senior with those huge files in your hand. Then, you ditch your senior one day (you obviously would, coz he never paid you and now you have learned all that you could from him) and move on to either join a law firm or join some Company as a law officer.

If you wanna be rich and busy litigation lawyer you have to give 3-4 more years in that same position of an underpaid junior associate…so that not only do you pick up the art of litigation from your senior but you also build a rapport with all those client’s who are not really happy with the way your senior has been handling the matters and you also have convinced them that you can settle the matter in much lesser money and time. Having done so you moved on to have your independent practice, the list of your senior’s unhappy clients being your inventory…

I have been continuously falling off from this usual track. I was in practice, then I joined a social research project then back to corporate and now again research…

I realise the lawyer/liar business is not really for me and am also not made for the corporate ladder. At the end of the day I want to be extensively involved in Socio Legal activism and right now I think I should concentrate on gaining more and more research experience. I am thinking I should start independent practice with the woman cell and juvenile cell cases, do some freelance research and also get started the NGO with Khurram da and RK.

Tough year ahead…so much to do…need some money as well, got car loan to pay and also wanna move out. Movings out means an extra budget. How are things going to work out…??

I have begin to have a bad temper. Sis says I become devilish when I am angry, I don’t throw things though but I yell. I have these difference of opinion with mom every now and then and I yell at her, I say bad things to her. She was saying if there ain’t any way to stop the fights then it would be wise to leave. I think so too… I wanna be alone. More and more alone. It seems I can’t make no body happy. Sis was asking where from all these anger coming…where from I ask?? I think I should blame it on all the men around me. I gotta keep away from all men who don’t fall in the category of father, brothers, cousins, uncles, grand pas and bosses. They all bother me. They create too much of heart ache and tension… I need peace.

I am once again convinced I am not gonna get into marriage. I am a terrible person I won’t make a good wife or a mother. With me there my family will never have a peace of mind…No point getting into a mess deliberately. Why ruin someone’s life, why bring a life and then ruin it…

I feel like writing a lot today but am sleepy now…my next post has to be about why am I so angry at all men (except those above categories)

3 thoughts on “Another wall

  1. Sanjukta,
    this is the first I’m reading your blog. I liked your poem posted to Caferati (I guess lifted from earlier in this blog) and was curious.
    Your furious self-expression and thinking-on-the-page and articulate confusion and interesting mixture of optimism & pessimism, self-confidence & self-doubt, all make for engaging reading. It would not surprise me if (either in fiction or nonfiction diaristic writing like this) you’d end up making a mark for yourself. (I don’t mean to confuse your life with “literary ambitions” per se, but am merely noting how generally bracing an impression these two examples of your writing make.)

    best wishe
    d.i.

    Like

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