Go f*#* yourself….

I am so sick and tired
of people throwing tantrums at me
of people taking me forgranted
of people hurting me and not even realising
of people lying to me through their teeth
sick and tired
of myself
of my silence
of my acceptance
of my not so fake smile
of that ache right in the center of my heart
of that star in my eyes
of that touch in my hands
why don’t you all get it
I am for real

Some times I wish I could truely express myself. wish I could yell at the top of my voice tell you how much I hate you, tell you how I hate you for the silent tears you brought to my eyes, hate you for the way you took me forgranted and gave me crappy fundas “Expectations are wrong”, I hate you for telling me you will make it upto me someday, after turning me down on a day as special as my birthday……… I hate you for lying to me through your teeth and thinking you are actually fooling me… I so want to tell you “I always knew you were lying”.

I wish I could get back to you and tell you what I really think of you…. I wish I could tell “you are a coward and a hypocrite, you can’t stand by your own words and you accuse me of being double minded, you have no spine, its such a pity you are ashamed of your own feelings for me, such a pity the only way you could fight with those feelings was by escapism…”| “you kept on pushing me, I told you don’t start anything I am keeping romance on hold for the time being but you kept insisting, you would call, chat, meet and then one day when I ask you, you said I never caught your attention, that you were never interested in me…who are you fooling? Get a life.”| “You are so full of negetivity yourself, you can hardly find anything good in others, you are sick, all you can do is sulk, fret and frown about your situation you have no guts to get up and change it and then you blame others”| “You are nothing but a parasite, you use people, all those times you were with me twas only because you needed me. You kept saying one day you’d do anything for me, today when I am telling you I am going through a bad time I need you, I don’t hear from you.” | “when I had expectations from you was exited bout meeting and spending time with you, you didnt have time for me, I wondered and wandared around, I passed by your door morning evening and you never had time to take me around, why should I do it for you now?

there are so many of ‘you’ there…. I hate all of you

but I hate the way I forget how much I despise you everytime I see or hear from you. I hate the way I smile back at you, forgive you even though you didn’t seek forgiveness. I hate my silence. Hate the way I forgot everything and gave everything I had and everything I could everytime we met.

I wish I could hold grudges, wish I knew how to take revenge…there is a fire within me which wants to come out and burn everything, but it can’t seem to find its way……. one day it will… trust me you can never be happy over my tears….I have that in me

6 thoughts on “Go f*#* yourself….

  1. THIS Is exactly what happened to me last nite. Honestly, I feel Im gutless, have no balls and am ashamed to be myself.for being the pada-likha WOMAN of the 21st century and all THAT SHIT!
    When I dont have the fucking balls to stand up and tell someone: u suck and u hurt me, then what right do I have to go out and say that women are equal to men?

    Maybe i make no sense and am adding 2 and 2 here and talking abt issues that shouldnt be put together, but I dont care cause im hurt, very badly hurt.

    one question to God: why doenst GOD punsih those people who do all wrong and still get away with no punishment. who hurt people by name calling and emotional abuse and still enjoy the best in the world.

    when i meet with my creator, i know what will be the first question in my list.

    -deeply anguished, defeated (in the game of love/togetherness/relationship/understaning of the opp sex)and depressed,
    monica

    HUGS to u sanju: cant offer more at this point.im completely broken and shattered.

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  2. Hmmm…

    So much , so many…all I can say is…don’t be sorry for your emotions coz if you are sorry for your emotions you are sorry for the truth.
    vent it out, its no use playing nice gal all the time..trust me…
    its a bad world out there and jungle mantra is :survival of the fittest:
    u gotta fight, people come and go but no one can take u for granted till the time u dont allow thm …remember I once said, no one can victimise you if u don’t let thm victimise….
    so…put brakes whn req. instead to applying accelerator or going on reverse gear and running away..
    i hope u understood wht i am trying to say…

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  3. Hugs to you too Monica…May force be with you…mind telling what happened?

    Snigdha, I do understand what you are saying…fordoing that I have to change a very basic inherent nature of mine…forget and forgive…….dunno how to do that

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  4. hi
    i was reading ur article and made me wonder.or may b i m not going thru wat u are and hence cant see it that way.
    I read a caption outside our golf course which felt very comforting.
    it had a golf course , a bench,and a man sitting and looking at nuthing.And the caption read”Practice Indiffrence”
    Well thats the way i guess to prevent yourself from getting hurt.refuse to get sucked into the vortex,refuse to stoop down to his/her level.Have an out of body experience(ever had one).in which u can see wat is happening to u ,as an outside observer,feel nuthing,or may be smile (or snigger)thinking how petty he is.
    M i not making sense? well that may be the problem with expression but line of thinking is correct i guess.
    manoj

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