Do you have a sexual fantasy?

I happen to know this person through Yahoo Messenger who is married, is a father to a daughter, loves both of them truly but is looking for one night stands without having any strings attached. When asked why such weird desire he says coz he can’t ask his wife to fulfill his fantasies.

I see a social problem in him. Sex is one of the biggest truth of nature after probably death. Nothing else is as certain as the desire and need for sex between humans, animals, plants and all other organisms. It comes so naturally to us that to try to fight with our sexual urges and curb them down would be an act extremely against the order of nature. Good sex they say can keep a persons body and mind healthy and just as lack of vitamis and minerals affects our health, non availibility of a medium to satisfy our sexual urges also affects our mental and physical health. This is so because the sexual urge that we have is a part of the many systems that works in our body. We have been given these glands which would natually secrete hormones and when that happens our body reacts natually to it. This is all chemistry.

When two people get married, of all the things they promise, they also promise, whether directly or impliedly, to fulfill this most natural need of each other. But under the domain of socially constructed norms called culture, sex is considered as such a taboo that a man who might be more sexually charged than his wife is actually ashamed of it.

In indian culture particularly, even husband wives can’t talk bout sex. Not only that, some times we have such stupid traditions making sex more and more a topic of shame and indecency. In joint families the bolted door to a couple’s room is supposed to be opened up early morning before the elderly members of the family wakes up. They have to pretend they didn’t do it last night. Particularly for the bahu it is a matter of embarrassment if she is still with her husband behind closed doors when rest of the family has woken up.

Another weird habit is the hush hush tone we use when a woman is found to be expecting a baby. Why? Because the fact that she is expecting makes it evident that they did it…duh… Otherwise the people in the house were under the impression that the couple were just kidding themselves… So we have these stupid cliched movie scenes where this wife is getting all red blushing to such extremity that I don’t even know how to explain, while she break the news of her pregnancy to the family members and to top it all, to her own husband. I mean what on earth is there to be embarrassed of or blush…

This guy never fully told me what his fantasies are so I don’t know how weird they are but whatever it is, I feel he shouldn’t have any hesitations to ask for it from his wife. If she is ok with it, nothing can be better, if she isn’t, they can talk about it, think over it, try to find some way out, may be see a therapist. But here we have him thinking its gonna be indecent on his part to talk about sex with his own wife and therefore indulging in adultery.

I have noticed this in some traditional bengali families that once the children are in their teen age and the parents are in mid 40s they cease to sleep together in the same room. It is considered indecent to give out this impression in front of the rest of the people in the house including the grown up kids, that the parents still enjoy their marital intercourse. How unnatural is that. I just don’t get it.

I know this guy for more than 6-7 months now and yes our chat conversation did start when he popped up my PC with this proposal of his. He didnt want to talk about anything else, didn’t even want to know anything about me or my life, just wanted an answer to his proposal in Yes or No. Being the smooth talker that I am, I managed to start talking and since then we been talking. And over time I found out he is actually a nice guy and not some pervert, is sensitive, caring, responsible, intelligent, loves his wife and would never want to hurt her…but then why?
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Lemme ask this question to all of you here…. do you think this person is an one off case or do you think there are many such persons around…… just that they don’t talk bout it honestly……..?? And do you have a sexual fantasy that you are embarrassed of?

33 thoughts on “Do you have a sexual fantasy?

  1. @ Amit and I am 9
    This has nothing to do with marriage… Of course marriage isn’t important..who says it is… and No way.. nothing gives tickets to adultery..

    But I am asking a simple question here… Is it a social problem that this man is embarassed of his sexual fantasy and can’t talk about it with his wife..???

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  2. u urself has validated ur point…yep our society is very much to play a vital role…its the upbringin’ n culture tht we entertain makes it hard to free frm such clutches.

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  3. Problem with such guys is that they r open and clean with every women except their own wives. And the wives r to be blamed as well as during the initial moments of their marriage whenever the guy talks about such fantansies, the wives wud literally run away or just give the good old Devika Rani pose and just ignore the whole thing. Must be sounding like the same old masculine crap, but this is what i hear 24/7 from my colleagues and every moment i thank my stars for granting me an understanding wife.

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  4. interesting.

    lots of people seem to think that sexual “intelligence” seems to be a product of a hangover of a ‘victorian’ society . . .

    you think ?

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  5. If the guy is seriously looking for one-night stands elsewhere, I’ll say there’s something seriously wrong in their mariage, and all that talk about him loving his wife is all bunkum.
    What happens if he does indulge in a one-night stand, and he ends up liking it?(which he probably will)
    what does he do then? wont he be tempted to do it again? And woldnt then it be called cheating?
    While it is basic human nature to seek pleasure, but monetary bpdily pleasure may carry along with the risk of major casues of woe?
    and one more thing, ask him how he would react if he finds out if his wife starts seeking pleasure elsewhere as weel. what happens to the marriage, and to their daughter?
    This guy is about to open a can of worms. I hope someone drills some sense into him b4 its too late.
    While I agree marriage in todays times is not essential to be in a relationship, whatever the society may say, but still; once he has committed himself to one, he shold learn to control his baser urges.

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  6. well the whole discussion is pretty rhetorical….u hav mentioned that its a Social issue….and yea its a very pertinent Social issue……

    answers are pretty much what u hav given….best talked & sorted out within the couple…

    rest lemme assure will never work…

    ramit

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  7. well the whole discussion is pretty rhetorical….u hav mentioned an dmost of us who have commented do agree that its a Social issue….and yea its a very pertinent Social issue……

    answers are pretty much what u hav given and have been posted by all u ppl out there….it is best talked & sorted out within the couple…

    rest lemme assure will never work…

    ramit

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  8. They are all over the place. Men and women. The internet makes infidelity and temptation easier. I won’t tell another person how to live their life, but I will say that people are finding new ways to vent their unhappiness.

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  9. @ SouthPaw, Ramit..
    So this is a social problem…. but shouldn’t we be doing somehting about it?? Does anybody thinks the rampant rape can have anything to do with this social problem??

    @ Ramit
    Talk..but that’s the whole point, here the person is embarrassed to talk because of his upbrining in a particular manner or whatever..

    The social attributes of sexuality gotta change…… I ask….where should the change begin to occur?

    @ ?
    ?? Couldn’t get you dude… Sexual intelligence? Victorian Era?

    @ Ajay
    A very practical and doable appoach.. kinda my approach too… but a little straight jacketed… This man’s case is different

    @ ALL
    Thanks for commenting
    Hoping to see more comments would be summing up the discussion soon..along with some more thoughts

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  10. Firstly thanks for the candid post.
    This post reminded me of Martin Amis’s writeup on Gloria Steinem (the collected works are in a book called the moronic inferno). I forget the exact words but the uptake was that the Victorian notion of marriage (one man-one woman) for life is so out-of-wack with reality that the only people who should probably participate in the Victorian notion of marriage are probably people for whome this might be a fetish, like leather or S&M or something like that.
    It is an issue beyond India – immaculate conception in christianity is after all a device (alleast that is one theory) to mitiate the guilt of sex.
    It is a much larger issue than that married father on yahoo IM – the design flaws of marriage are too many to recount here.
    BTW: In europe the number of kids born to unmarried woman is 1:3 – so there is a change happening across the world, but yes in India the problem is even more acute given the social mores – OK this is getting way too long. Maybe I will put a post on my blog.

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  11. I am a single still unmarried and my thought was that a man can satisfy all his fantasies with his own wife.
    At present I think, that i can share all my fanatsies to my future wife who ever she will be because there is no other deep intimate relationship except b/w husbsnd snd wife and this man is not able to share it with his wife then surely I want to remember a quote which my senoior said “If 1 thousand women come in a way of a man,he will try to xplore each and every of them with out a thought a hesitation.

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  12. I am a single still unmarried and my thought was that a man can satisfy all his fantasies with his own wife.
    At present I think, that i can share all my fanatsies to my future wife who ever she will be because there is no other deep intimate relationship except b/w husbsnd snd wife and this man is not able to share it with his wife then surely I want to remember a quote which my senoior said “If 1 thousand women come in a way of a man,he will try to xplore each and every of them with out a thought or hesitation.

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  13. This is very intriguing stuff. The best part is whenever we are posed with such kind of situation we take on the role of Judge and start making critical acclaims about Morals and the issues linked with it. We love to pass judgements. Why So? And why would I think that its a social Problem.
    Its purely that guys personal view point and personal Preferences.
    Even if he talks to his wife to fulfil his fantasy , he will still find many unexplored areas, which will again justify his going back to one night stands.
    I think we all have fantasies. Even woman have more fantasy’s than men..as i would assume.
    The difference is in the method of expression. For guys its easy to pick up One Night Stands ( Paid or Unpaid) . Lets not forget there are many many unpaid one night stands/ encounters one comes thru. So mind you on the other end is a woman only , who is not charging but in some way is fulfilling her fantasies.
    Why is it that when a man has a one night stand , people pass a judgement on his adulturous ways. All of us have been adulturous in some way or another.
    I would term a man and a woman going out for a drink and spending a few hours together without their family knowing is adultery too.Why should only the final physical act taken as adultery.
    There is nothing called a partial sexual orientation or a full orientation. You can do uptil here and not beyond…doesnt absolve you of the so call sin/merit of sex. It just a self justification. Thats all.

    What about married women who have affairs with men or vice vers. While the entire theme is Physical and Mental gratification : it is often coloured as unhappiness in the house, uncaring attitude of the husband etc etc.

    Listen , let all of us come out of our self inflicted Moral justifications. Moral Parameters can be different in different environments and circumstances.

    What is important is that we do what we feel is right or dont do what we feel is wrong. I enjoy drinking but for some it may be wrong…u know what I mean.

    At least that guy is honest ( if he is) to say that he goes for one night stands to fulfil his fantasies. He could have taken a stance that he is deeply depressed on account of Maritial problems and therefore needs a outlet. Well we would have sympathised with him…eh right.

    And I also do feel that in a Husband – wife relationship it does happen that sex becomes a perfunctionary act and looses the adventure attached to it. A new face can invigorate it.

    Hey I am not passing a judgement at all whether he is right or wrong.

    All I am saying is Let all make merry and do what they like the best as long as they are not inflicting pain and suffering on someone els.

    Cheers

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  14. Our social systems are such that it is sometimes considered a sign of weakness to ‘give in’ .. more of a ‘woman’s thing’ to bend rather than a man.
    Keeping that in mind ..when a man has sexual urge during his mid life crisis it is the’power of control’ that our social system puts in place that doesnt allow him to approach his wife. of what u said I dont have any idea bout other family conditions of this man .. probably sex leading to accidently pregnancy cant be risked and therefore need for sex with third party.. the reasons could really be linked to a whole lot of issues though..

    glad to see the comments and the thought

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  15. I read this mail after all the stuff on the lets_go group. I agree that the blog is very thought provoking, but I have to clarify some points here.
    1. the Victorian era was not like we know it in the beginning, it was an age of debauchery, but when her husband died, the queen banned all forms of extra-curricular activities.
    2. Has anyone given a thought that the person who wants to act out his fantasy is just looking for a quick lay and not interested in actually seeing that his fantasy is worked out.
    3. On the subject of fantasies, please read any of the books of Nancy Friday, they are thought provoking.

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  16. Well, I dont think this person is a one-off case, there are such people…just that they don’t talk about it honestly….and I dont think a man should (in any way) be embarrassed of such fantasies, that too with his own wife!

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  17. is it a social problem???
    i think its a individualistic problem…meaning???
    Wat happens when the wife has sexual fantasies the husband cannot fulfill..what happens when the woman has a higher sexual drive than her husband..???
    every individual has a sex drive…..sometimes its nil..10%..20%..30%…..100%…or insanely too much….
    now what happens..when it doesnt match with his/her partner(whether married or not married)…does he/she leave the person…especially when emotionally he/she is way too much attached with the person…and doesnt want to leave him/her…
    well..i dunno about others….i will fulfill my drive…whether or not my husband provides it…. as an individual i do not consider it adultry..i consider it a part of my happiness as an young adult…

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  18. Yes a very strang one!
    That my penis will be cut off by a very hot girl, so i can never fuck her and also never fuck other hot girls.

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  19. The man in question is married and a father too. His sexual frustration has lead him to the chat rooms, where he came across with you. Instead of being clear about his nefarious designs, he is talking to you in riddles. Why on earth would he like to have your “yes” or “no” answer and what for?
    You call him sensitive, caring, responsible, intelligent, loves his wife and would never want to hurt her…but then why?
    Then why? This is a big question. If is he really loves his wife and is committed to her then why on earth is he pestering women in the chat rooms.
    I Must call this man a real pervert who is there to outrage the modesty of gentle women like you. May I request to block him from your contacts before it is too late.

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  20. Who doesn`t have fantasy`s.I have had then about 3 of my cousin`s.They seen to get me hot.The one cousin i used to feel up,but she wouldn`t let me have intercourse with her.I used to rub her virgina and suck her big firm breast`s until my aunt almost caught us.She thought we would have deformed baby if she got pregnant,which wouldnt be true.She was the best cousin.All cousins should be like her,easy.

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  21. Most certainly not a one off case and sex is still a very hush-hush topic, often the cause of misunderstandings.

    I don’t know where one draws the line before marriage, but marriage is an agreement between the husband and wife. That agreement could even include inviting others for their sexual fantasies.

    What this man doesn’t realize right now is that being unfaithful to the agreement he has with his wife will leave him with massive guilt, which will become baggage for him. It’ll affect his relationship with his wife, his daughter and the other women in his life.

    I believe this is something which the couple should consider as an option together, being on the same page, understanding each other in a way they never understood each other before.

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  22. I’m a married woman of almost 11 years & I’ve finally got my husband to tell me his fantasies and & I’ve told him mine. We have been spicing things up on & off since last summer. My fantasy involves another woman. I want to watch my husband have sex (not make love) to another woman. Am I crazy? Maybe but, we’ve gone to strip clubs together and I am turned on when another woman gives him a lap dance. My problem is finding someone to help fulfill this fantasy. I am not a jealous woman by nature. I know I can handle it. Call me crazy

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  23. I dream of wild sex with a fine looking dentist he is married and so am I how can that be cheating.I want to do it in his office I would do In his car but we would tip it over but it is more than sex that drives me toward him he is easy to talk to and very sports driven a good guy who I know has abad side like we all do I respect his work and I am scared of these feelings they are so strong I could rip his clothes off and almost rape him in a good way not a viloent or criminal way I want to leave him a tiny glass shoe or flower under his little car I am so romantic I just do not think it exists anymore but my shyness and scare of being beat up by his wife he is so damn fine I want to shower every chance I get withbhim thevfeelingvof water while making out

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  24. Hi
    This is a quite common. I know so many guys who have similar thoughts in their life. My interpretation is as follows

    The main reason being each one of us have desires however among two person the desire need not be common. For example a husband may love porn but the wife may not like to watch the same. But this does not mean she does not like sex. Similarly both the party may not be comfortable in talking about their passions. Marriage is a union but the partners may not talk freely about the same as each one is analysing how the other will react. This fear puts a stop on the husband asking the wife to do something. I have a friend of mine whose passion was to watch a women pee and did not have the courage to ask his wife to show him this. Hence he started to venture out to prostitutes and paid them to watch them pee. He is a very loving family man but it is these deep passions like one I described that makes him go out than ask his partner. His fear was his wife would think he was a wierdo. It is this fear which makes a man or women go for one night stand without strings.
    People can say marriage is union and that both the partners should share their passions but in areas such as sex, it is very difficult for a person to broach the subject or open up into areas which is not the normal missionary sex.
    Joseph

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  25. Sexual fantasy after marriage is definitely aganist the morals of the society.After marriage for people who live seperate becoz of job they might encounter such things.
    I hav the same experience after marriage when I came to rejoin for work & really I was unhappy regarding leaving wife & family suddenly.Then I experienced a stranger foreign woman befriending me and tempted me for sexual intercourse.

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  26. Husband & wife must discuss or they must seek help from doctors or therapist if they hav the feelings of sexual fantasy.

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  27. After marriage when I came abroad for rejoining job I had been disturbed & uncertain about my marriage future so I was trapped by a foreign stranger woman Whn it was late night & i cud not avail transportation to my place of stay/work then I decided to stay city till morning then stranger woman accompanied me to her accomodation reaching there she tempted me for sex with condom she had searched my wallet & steal money.MAy be night life here UAE-Gulf men & women engage such activities for money .

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  28. Sanjukta, you write extremely well. Please keep writing more and more.
    There are way too many married men everywhere hitting on younger girls in offices, work places, professors in universities hitting on girl students, dating sites etc.
    Married men woo younger girls openly and men tell girls the truth that they will never leave their wife and children but require a physical relationship with this younger girl.
    Girls are Girls, when men flatter them openly with flowers, gifts they fall for the man.
    And women can never get immune to flattery, it is never enough for girls. We are looking for that knight in shining armour.
    And married men are super pro in flattery.
    Some girls keep the relationship only sexual and some girls fall in love with the married man.
    Eventually, it gets very traumatic for this young girl.
    Married men move on with their families. While this young girl’s life becomes a living hell.
    Request Girls to RUN .. RUN as far as they can if a married guy is behind them. Younger girls are soft targets. Married men usually never give up on their target till the girl is in.

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