No, you are not out of my mind. There isn’t a single ‘free’ moment of the day when I don’t think of you, you are the first thought when I wake up, you are the last when I sink in sleep. Just that you don’t know, and you would never know coz I won’t ever tell you what’s in my mind unless you ask me.
Took me 6 years to find, and probably for the first time in true sense, a man who appeared to be some one I can spend time with…wanted to be with you, thought we can give it a try, thought we would be good for each other, but you turned me down. And then my dreams were broken. And the only thing that’s real in my life embraced me with warm open arms. My pain.
You were very fond of reading this blog. Every now and then everything I said you said “I know, read it on your blog”. You read everything, you knew everything and still you went ahead and did exactly what they all have been doing……… you left me in the middle of no where with endless questions and no answers……. you never felt it was necessary to have a talk… I opened my heart to you layer by layer… and you remained silent like a stone…indifferent to everything I said…. kept me wondering…. why? Why didn’t you stop me? Why did you on the contrary did things to encourage my feelings?
And now, with every passing day of your indifference towards me the wound is only getting deeper and deeper… you are always there in my mind reminding me of my defeat, what is it that I don’t have, why is it that I failed to even be a “friend” of yours… True you said we’d be friend but there is an ocean of difference in saying and doing. Action speaks louder. I am nothing more than a mere aquaintance to you…… some one you smile at if you accidentally bump into… every day you make me feel how lonely i am… you make me feel I am not worth considering… I am not worth spending time with…. so you see you are never out of my mind…
But that doesn’t mean I can’t pretend I am over you….. I am good at that. I will pretend like nothing happend so that ‘you’ don’t feel uncomfortable when we meet in a common group. I will pretend that it was just a convinient crush which got over as things became inconvinient. I will pretend I wasn’t hurt and everything is just the way it should be. With time we shall drift apart…… words unspoken, questions un-answered will forever remain with me…..
The purpose of starting this blog could never be any more justified than this post that I worte today. I took a look at the series of events with him, how we met and how I felt, how hopes were build and dreams were weaved, how smiles were planted on my face and everybody around me, how I spent my time being happy about every sms he sent (which he now calls as ‘kidding myself’) how with every small step I became more and more sure about me standing a chance with him and so I told him bout my felling and what happened next…… I wrote a blog post in each of those moments… my initial apprehension that it was just a mirage, my dilemma whether I should tell him or not, my final decision that I won’t tell him, how I decided to give him hints, told him “I wrote this testimonial for you”…….. and today at the end of it all this post only proves how uncertain and short lived it was… As always.
The reason I wasn’t blogging for some time was becoz I couldn’t have helped writing this post and I didn’t want him to read…now that considerable time has passed I am hoping he won’t visit here any more… but if you do….. then well what can I say…. This is my truth… you gotta handle it.