I have always romanticized the idea of an early and famous death…my friend had it and now I am ‘living’ her ‘death’…

I had wondered how will it be to be suddenly gone…What if people who knew me, loved me, find out I am no more… will they cry for me? Of course they will… Ok but what about those people who knew me only vaguely, who probably don’t keep in touch with me any more…will they cry for me? The men who broke my heart and never looked back? Those in numerable virtual acquaintances I have? Would they even come to know that I am dead? I am always wanting to be famous just so that when I die the world knows. The idea of a lonely death scares me…

I have always wanted to tell my sister, “If I die suddenly call everybody that I ever knew and say bye to them on my behalf” I don’t know if Kakan said the same to her brother…But I know there are some people who would probably never come to know unless I tell them today…

So I told them one by one – Somewhere near Rudra Prayag in Uttranchal is a place called Siyalsaur…there flows river Mandakini… on 14th August 2006 Kakan went swimming in the river… 3 other friends were sitting by the river bank. Suddenly they saw her being pulled in the middle of the river and then within few seconds she disappeared into the water… Its been 8 days they still haven’t found her body. She is gone. We have lost her.

And then I lived her death. I am witnessed what it feels to leave suddenly. I saw how her casual friends who she used to meet once in a while took it. Saw how her ex bf took the news. I now know how would Munish take the news if he hears I am dead. I saw the reaction from all of them, the Lets go group members, her new found close friend, her ex colleagues the Margees. I look helplessly at her orkut page, people scrap her “hey kakan what’s up”, scraps that would never be answered, pages that would never be updated again, mailing lists which would no longer hear from one of their members…and they would never know what happened…why the silence.

I read her mails on the Let’s Go list….the ones she wrote right before leaving for the trip…

All sounds cool !!! Am really quite enthu about the trek ..hope I dont breakany bones…

she says

I am gonna be carrying dettol and band aid and few first aidstuff

In another mail she was discussing the schedule

16th august : We would be reaching back to delhi ( hopefully we would have survived..hehe)

I met Kakan her in MARG in August 2003 we were colleagues for just one month. Since the day one I knew she was of my type may be because we both were aquarians…but we weren’t that close. After all how deep can your friendship grow when you are colleagues. Oh but we did have some great drinking and singing sessions, she used to love to sing.  She was a great singer too. She specialized in Child and adolescent psychology and started her career by giving counsellings session on a child helpline.

One of the songs she used to sing every now and then those days, I am listening right now… Allah ke bande has de – by Kailash Kher.

She didn’t stay for the whole project. Left too early on some misunderstanding with other members on the team. I, in any case, am never the one to call up people to keep in touch. And the way she left I had more reasons to leave her alone for sometime. But then she herself called. She took a job in London and wanted to meet me before she leaves. She had invited all the other Margees but none of them could make it, only I did. Honestly, I wasn’t too enthusiastic about it but couldn’t turn her down.  The way she would look at you with her chirpy giggle and innocence, you really can’t turn her down. The way she used to that is.

Throughout her stay in London, during the annual breaks in which she visited India and ever since her return couple of months back, she had always been the one to keep in touch with me. She used to always call and find out how I was doing. She was some one who would want to help you with everything. Once she wanted to meet me but I had some other plans. So I lied to her, I said I wasn’t feeling too well. She said, “what happned to you, tell me, I can get some medicine” (her father is Delhi’s renowned homeopath Dr. Kalyan Banerjee).

They have a story on her on Sunday’s Hindustan Times (20th), Monday’s (21st) TOI and Tuesday’s (22nd) Indian Express. May be some of those friends of her who even I don’t know would read the newspapers.

I now realize, having lived her death, that its just not worth dying because no one cares. Life moves on. Realised, we don’t have time. No time to live, let alone fight, hold grudges, have differences, prejudices. We all like to believe, nothing could happen to us, just like her last words, “hey guy, don’t worry, nothing would happen, I have been swimming since Class XIth” But we have no fucking clue which min is the last min.

It’s so often that we don’t call our friends and keep in touch…we believe they are there and then suddenly one of them is gone… As I feel helpless, with my eyes running out of tears for her, I am reminded of one of her comments on this blog

Cheer up samy ..its never worth losing what was not yours .. you always make me believe that.. shouldnt the same go for u too.. what wasnt yours cant be
worth anything when its lost..

U inspire life..remember that..Cos you gotta gift of doing good..

Life will go on Kakan, we all would move on, I know that’s the harsh reality of life. We all want to live but you left a space in some of our lives that would never be filled. Rest in peace beloved friend…guess you were a fallen star and weren’t meant to be in this world full of misery and pain for too long…guess that’s why you were so full of life always, because you weren’t meant to stay.

A week later, no trace of drowned girl’s body

A close friend’s tribute to Kakan

Those who would want to get in touch with Kakan’s grieving family can mail me for the numbers.

All are requested to pray for her soul and her family’s well being.