I was charmed yesterday

I wanted to cry today. Just cry. Not for any particular person or reason.

I was charmed yesterday…… damn I hate sequels. Anyways since my friend asked…what happened to the man who charmed me……..

I don’t know what love is? But I always wanted to fall in love. Wanted to give my everything, from body to mind, all my pride, all my fears, all my weaknesses, all my anger, all my laughter, to this one person who would take care of all of them. All my dispositions are meant to find that one person. I didn’t know who would he be, didn’t know how he’d look or sound…just knew this much that he would be some one who stands out. So everytime I came accross one such person who was different I would wonder…if he is the one.

In my early 20s I used to think when I’d find one such person I’ll marry him. With time I got so cynical at the institution of marriage that everything about it started bothering me. Now am about to turn 30 and have lost all intentions of ever getting into a matrimony. Some may say that this is because I could never find that man. May be. But the point is, by mid 20s my mind set was such, that any man walking the tried and tested path which leads to a home, wife, kids and car, ceased to be some one who stands out. In effect, on today’s date, men in general fail to impress me.

However there are always those original sins I am tempted to commit. A ‘desire’ to be a part of that man’s life..whose life I find unusual. Men who didn’t and wouldn’t walk the tried and tested path. Whenever I come accross one such man I casually befriend him (keeping my exitement of having found him very secret), Keep a safe distance, lest he gets concious, but keep him in my mind nonetheless.
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Now what happens when one such man walks into my life on his own and knocks on my door? Hard to resist such temptations. Not that I don’t try.

So I asked him,

“Who are you and what are you doing with me? What, a guy as dazzling as you are is doing with a girl like me. Still trying to figure out why is lady luck suddenly so glad at me…..

And I wondered

may be you are trying to grab that last streak of freedom slipping out of your hand.. may be you know u are in the last stage of your bachelorhood and that’s why trying to make the best of it…. by being with me for a while….

And I said

so am not sure if this conversation went grt from ur side coz u were trying to find a sponge…or r u always good at conversation… if it’s the former… chances r we’d be talking for some more days…….till u come out of a phase….and if it’s the latter… chances are we could be good friends…

He gave very convincing answers to all my worst fears and why won’t he… after all he is some one ‘I’ found outstanding. Of all the things he said one was mentionable…

u decide….wat u want to do ..sam…. if u dont want me near u…then am
gonna miss you..but i am gonna keep an eye out for u sam..like it or
not…

Finally I could negotiate (with my fears) at a time period of 3 months…maximum that he is gonna be around…interestingly we did not (rather he did not) keep in touch for more than 10 days. I was back at wondering what went wrong….why just 10 days. So I went back to our chat conversations, emails…..

I think I know what happened… I did the mistake of being honest with him, of telling him what was on my mind. I told him he was like my dream man walking straight out of my dreams. He got scared. Scared of me pinning hopes on him.

Said

i get the feeling that i might be doing you more harm than good by just
hanging around you…and it was never my intention to harm or hurt you
Sam…!!

I wanted to explain him that I am not your ‘average girl next door’ waiting to catch a big fish (read suitable boy), tie a knot (read marriage) and rest in peace (open to interpreatation). Wanted to tell him meeting my dream man means nothing to me for I don’t know what is to be done with these dream men. Are we supposed to marry them when we meet them? are we supposed to fall in love? what is love? what do we do after we fall in love? Marry? Wanted to explain him I was not planning to cling on to him or create trouble for him by gettomg into an emotional hysteria.

But I couldn’t tell him all these [and therefore I am blogging?]. We didn’t really talk. He suddenly got this so called ‘feeling’ and started distancing [compared to whatever closeness we had for a week] himself from me. He thought phasing out was the best idea.

The irony of the whole story is this……He did tell me he was into a five year old relationship which had turned bitter…. and the bitterness started when he got scared of marriage…..and that he was still scared……. But he never told me his marraige was just round the corner…… 10-12 days from now. If he would have told me I wouldn’t have answered any of his knocks. Damn!

In today’s world of connectivity its hard to wipe off someone’s existence from your life. So I deleted his number from my cell, but the sms were there, deleted them and realised the number was saved in call records. Cell is clean now but I got him on orkut and Gtalk. Assuming I delete him from there also I can always bump into him in the Courts….like I did into Ronnie. Its a small world really.

All said and done the truth remains he charmed me…… with everything, his sensous voice, carefree attitude, sharp looks, intelligence, confidence…… Having met him just once….. I felt I was wrong when I said “love can never happen one sided”, I could identify with the feelings of that friend of mine whom I always advice, “dump him he doesn’t loves you”. To me, this guy came accross as someone who can be as jerky as he wants and yet the emotional fool in me would want to give him my every thing…

———————————————–
To you, if you are reading this ‘this is my truth’, all my love and hate, fear and bitterness, all packaged together for you, we might never meet again in this life, She must be some one really special and deserving. Take care. Good Bye. Could have mailed you. But no. You get to know me only when you make an overt effort to know me i.e. read my blog.
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Updates on my life otherwise:

Oops I did it again. Have quit my job again. Don’t feel good about it but have a strong feeling whatever happened is for good. I might soon shift base out of Delhi… wow seems like those bollywood situations…one of them getting married and the other is rushing towards airport to catch a plane…duur kahin ek nayi zindegi ke talaash meinKahani puri filmy hai. Well I’d be shifting for work.

The other charming man of 2006 my good friend Ramit is getting married on 29th of this month. I might not be attending. I am on a spree of not attending any wedding celebration. Had already missed one. Two more are lined up. A school friend 20 years of strong friendship. Then there is my closest cousin bro.

Been 4 days at a row have spent time only with myself. Didn’t step out of home, folks gone to calcutta for cousin’s wedding. Been at loneliness 100%. Feels good.

9 thoughts on “I was charmed yesterday

  1. I wonder why dont I get comments from my visitors…?? They all say I write well..why can’t they leave a comment for me :( :(

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  2. u write so well and so objective and detailed it leaves less to comment..u raise questions and then answer them all…u squeeze so much into life..its amazing..

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  3. a good post.intimate but some thats the story of every girl or boy who’s had someone (from the dreams)and ended up telling that “someone” the truth. despite being aware of the fact that the moment the cat is let out , “it” is sure to bring trouble. again to say that one is stupid if one spills out the guts would be wrong. these r moments u wait for. we all wish tobe honest soemtimes n rip off that mask of sobriety. we normally play games when we tell our close ones that we can do without love or company. that fact is we cannot only we r too afraid to lose them or afraid feel weak by lettingthem know a s to how precius they r too us, so we show off a different face, a mask that is not the real us(all strong emotionless,not needing anyone etc.)

    that real life n that is what makes it unpredictable, much better than reel life where u know the next move (a kiss or a slap in the face).

    if u dare to dream,desire…reach a destination, go on …

    praveen

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  4. Sanjukta, you write well. It is not your mistake that people are not commenting, but it may be due to some laziness like it is with me :).

    I do not know whether you remember me or not. We met through Y360. Today I again visited your blog after I saw your name in the barcamp website. This event is happening in impetus where I have been working since last one year.

    Whenever I have read your blogs, I have always felt that you are a strong woman with lots of determination and desire to do great things. Please keep it that way and move on in your life.

    I know it’s painful to forget incidents like this, but there are always some lessons to be learned from it :). Hope to meet you at barcamp event!

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  5. Sanjukta,

    I have strongly believed in the saying ” Relationship is ugly, relating is beautiful”.

    What you did through this post is one of the most difficult that a person (male/female) can opt for. Having the courage to face oneself and accept reality as it presents itself is not an easy task.

    All too often in such a situation a person either dumps all the blame on the other person or both people reach to a common consensus and bring in the element of “fate” (situation getting out of control due to unavoidable/ unforeseen circumstances). “Mai haalat se majboor tha/thi”…

    So many of us lead such a mindless life. We barely stop and think about what are we doing, and whether we are adding any meaning to our as well as other people life. And the irony lies in the fact that who ever goes against the tide, and starts to think/feel is instead of being appreciated, made to bear the brunt. “Society” and its norms which we put in place for facilitating life, instead work exact in the opposite direction.

    It reminded me of a post on my blog that I had written long time ago -> http://mynobrainers.blogspot.com/2005/11/amrita.html .

    -Ashutosh

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  6. 1st: Congrats for doing some gr8 things without the usual ho halla one does…

    2nd: life is just about chilling and not banging one head on the wall trying to figure what is going to end now!..

    guess i am not making much making sense either..see thats why i have named my blog what it is ;-)

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  7. while i loved reading the initial paras, i wonder whats so good being lonely 100%. Makes me wonder, “hum kis gali jaa rahe hein…” (from Atif Aslam)

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  8. You know, you could’ve just let go of yourself and immersed in the whole emotional thingie with this guy. Like they say its best to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

    Nice blog. Will bookmark and return. :-)

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