How we F***ed the Idlis

Joint effort by Sanjukta and Constant Motion.

At the outset a piece of irrelevant information. Constant motion who was formerly known as Encounter Specialist is my (Sanjukta) child hood friend we have been bickering and tolerating each other for the past 20 years.  And now we have started calling each other husband and wife. Constant motion being the nagging wife and Sanjukta being this lost husband.

Went school together, college together and now working together. Both relocated to Bangalore recently.  In all our excitement of celebrating the kick start of our independent existence as single super women, on our first weekend together here, we thought let’s check out Bangalore. We made our way to the only anaar for laakho bimaar, the one of the two decent malls in Bangalore…Garuda Mall.

Nice one, just that it’s a tiny facsimile of the countless Malls that Delhi and NCR has. No self respecting Delhite would be impressed by it. Neither were we. But then beggars can’t be choosers, now that we are here in Bangalore for good, we might as well learn to live with it. 

Another piece of not so relevant information about us. We both are voracious eaters, she is just a bit too lucky that it doesn’t reflect on her while it seems that I carry the reflection of both mine and her eating habits.  

Now let me come straight to the point. Why and how did we fuck the Idlis. You all know what are Idlis. Made of rice powder served with coconut chutney, an Idli is the tradition, the honor, the life and soul of any voracious or moderate eater hailing from southern India. 

But we don’t like south Indian food much. So, in the food court we thought of having Chole Bhature. Now, admittedly we did have had prior experiences of south Indian Chefs messing up with North Indian dishes on many occasions. For eg. once we had anxiously dug out curry pattas from biryani, fished out pieces of brinjals from chole, another time we had shahi paneer which was white in color etc. But, from a food outlet operating in a happening place like Gadura Mall, we expected some amount of integrity. Also, we were missing Delhi so much, we didn’t realize how bad things can get. 

For one we don’t understand why can’t they get the damn recipe right and exactly why can’t they resist the temptation of putting south Indian flavor in traditional north Indian dishes. We both so can’t stand this cuisine pollution done by the Tentuls (Bengali slang for bad south Indians cooks, the word literally means Tamarind)

So we went ahead and placed our order for chhole bhature and as we waited for our so called authentic dilli ke chhole bhature we thought we might as well try the gol gappe. The gol gappe were not fusionised with south Indian flavors though (thank God) as they had done it in Marina beach in Chennai by putting piping hot boiled chhole on gol gappes making it all soggy and then flavoring it with literally with 1 drop of red chutney. Any way, so this time they had the decency of keeping the Gol gappe Gol (round) but again all the chutney given with it were bland and we had to eat it with sprouted moong dal. Any way, still tolerable.  Now it was time for us to get the taste of thunder.

A really gigantic poori with a tiny bowl of yellow colored chhole with some cabbage salad. The poori was just a simple, oily, huge in size and not actually a “bhature” to start with. We actually had to use lot of tissue papers to clean the oil out of it lest it shows on our sexy figures.

After having tasted the ‘chole bhature’ we decided enough is enough, its high time we teach them a lesson. The method was simple. An eye for an eye. They screw with our chole bhature we gonna fuck their Idlis. This is how.

Step I:
Add jeera (cumin seed), elaichi (Cardamom), clove and mustard seeds in the rice power paste used to make Idli. Make Idlis the usual way. Take out the cooked Idli from Idli maker, crumble them and keep them aside.

Step II:
Now, take a big Kadai (wok). Add 4 tablespoon of Desi Ghee (clarified Butter) in it and heat. On heated ghee, put tej patta and jeera, badi elaichi.  Fry them for few seconds and then add 4 large chopped onions, 4 table spoon full of garlic, ginger and green chili paste.  Toss and turn and fry this mixture till light brown and then add 2 finely chopped tomatoes. Once the tomato starts drying up add the previously crumbled Idli into the kadai and stir and toss and turn.  Add some more ghee if you find the mixture dry.  Add salt to taste.

Step III:
Now, Spread the mixture on a dish and put it in the tandoor (clay oven).  Finally, serve it with coconut chutney with safed jeera chownk instead of Sarso (mustard seeds) and garnish it with Dhaniya leaves (coriander leaves), tomato slices and…now pay attention here coz this is the biggest blow…and still call it a plate of Idli. 

Call above preparation an Idli come what may, and serve it @ Rs.45.00 per plate to a south Indian who comes looking for south Indian food in a north Indian restaurant which claims to serve ‘Authentic South Indian Cuisine’, and that’s how you fuck an Idli.

16 thoughts on “How we F***ed the Idlis

  1. Good sense of humour! Pretty good writing skills too! How do you manage to write so well? I bet you must be an idli or a dosa. For you see, those blokes up there, beyond the Vindhyas don’t know their elbow from their ar##! What say? Or, by any chance are you one of those alu-matar-or whatever fart inducing stuff? Naaaah! ???

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  2. joint effort of sanjukta and constant motion aaa?
    how did you manage i say? linked sexy fingers in each others north indian/bengali arses and typed with bum digits? and that would leave the thinking to your joint secretions? Oooo – north india: succker of the nation.

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  3. North indians are the baggage of the nation, if it was not for them, India would have been in the elite class of nations long back.

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  4. Funny post and funny comments too..Nice Recipe for Idli.Hope Constant Motion doesn’t get too much motion after having that! Though you too should have got your facts right first.. Idli is just a breakfast item of Tamil Nadu and not the whole of South India and is not a tradition!! Guess who made it a tradition.. North Indians of course!! Secondly for the recipe, rice powder is nowhere used to make idli, its rice batter.. ! Last but not the least.. left delhi about a year back only.. cannot remember the “countless” Malls at all!! Guess all of them sprung up in a year or so.. Enjoy the city’s lovely weather honies and don’t complain as you can never ever get that in Delhi..
    Don’t get back at me as I have lived in Delhi more than you guys!! Get out from Madrasi Syndrome..Enjoy life and Eat Healthy.. Idlis are healthier than C.bhaturey anytime..

    Not a great idli lover personally!!

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  5. lol. But you really do not need to do all that to f*** the idlis. You just need to make ’em. I have had the lousiest idlis in north india.

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  6. Missy !
    Ever heard the saying “Be a Roman in Rome?”

    If you wanted the good North Indian food, why didnt you stay put rather than moving to Namma Bengalooru for better opportunities.

    I have had even worse Idlis and Dosas in your Pyaari Dilli…
    Stop cribbing about Bengalooru !

    And as Seema rightly pointed out, first get your narrow-minded outlook rectified about the “Madrasi Effect”

    If you cant tolerate our Idlis, neither do we tolerate your unhealthy oily khaana!!
    It aptly shows on you :-P
    (This! coming from a gal who never ever discriminates the corpulent! )

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  7. …you must feel at home in exile..as trivial as a cuisinic mishap should not deter your admiration you must if you may portray towards the city that provides you your livelihood….

    …theres an entire indescribable world to be worded in the land of kuvempu which your feet today stride in ignorance…

    your dissapointment in the food reflects just as much as your sense of non belonging in a different part of our own country ..must you be insulted?

    ..

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  9. f**king idlis.. lol.. i already had an experience while i was in dilli. They gave me some kind of yellow water(or cow’s urine(?) ) and called it sambhar and i was forced to pay 40Rs for that dosa.

    I travelled 1 hour and paid 70Rs for 2 idlis in a southindian hotel based on chennai to get good southie food in delhi.

    Lesson learnt: Always try to have something thats good on that locale.Dont expect native cuisine even in star hotels. I guess Americans too can write same about indian food there and paying 40$ for the same.

    Even i curse bangalore cause i dont get proper ‘chennai’ sambhar.

    Bottomline : Adapt!

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  10. First, you come from East Pakistan and then you make love to my idlis?

    Damnation … you and the Constantly Loose Motion. Born poet is me.

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  11. I have to agree, I liked your writing, good flow and nice sense of humor. I am a tamilian living in the USA and I have to say after coming here, I like entire Indian cuisine, fusionized and original.

    And yes, the recipe you gave, is actually called Kanchipuram Idli minus the ghee part.

    Kudos!

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