Lead Me Not 2 Temptation

Men are mostly mean. Am not complaining much, just saying, “it’s not fair”. They suddenly fly in from no where into my life give a little hurt and fly away. ‘Lead me not to temptation’ I say to myself everytime. Alas, I get tempted again and again.

Take this guy, Kunal, for example. I knew him for some time now through virtual world before he flew in as flesh and blood in my life. Had first heard of him through Akshay. Was introduced to me as this avid trekker who almost have captured the whole of himalayas under his feet. ‘Wow’ I had exclaimed in admiration. Akshay then forwarded me link to his blogs and Flickr page and I started following him. That was in May 2005.

In August 2006 this guy showed his interest to join Let’s Go. That was the first time I interacted with him. I wrote a mail to him. A formal one telling him how after Kakan’s death I am not too sure where should the group be heading, but it still is great to have him around as an expert backpacker and that LetsGo is looking forward to some good contributions from him. He replied to that mail and I added him to Lets Go.

Gmail automatically adds those contacts with who you have had couple of exchange of mails to your Gtalk chat list. Thus he was added to my chat list and I to his. My Gtalk messages often contains links to my blog and flickr which I realised he started following. I often got very nice comments from him on my flickr page. And occassional hi whats up on gtalk. All his interactions were very warm. You can feel that warmth in all his virtual conversations. In response I have always been telling him (virtually) how it means a lot to be appreciated by him since he himself is so talented etc. I had a lot of respect for him because I noticed him giving respect to me. (All virtual, exchange of comments on blog and flickr mainly)

I never tried to know him more than what I should know about him as a Lets go member or as a chat friend. I have categories of people which category gets decided right at the time I meet (virtual or real) some one. I get vibes. Friendly vibes, Romantic vibes, Sexual vibes, Matrimonial vibes, professional vibes. Kunal was in the category of Professional vibes. I maintain the maximum distance with this category of people. I talk to them only on work related matters. (work inclues by blogging evangelism and Lets Go activities)

So I initiated conversations with him on 2 major occassions, once when he wanted to join Lets go and second when some major flame war happened on LetsGo centering around him, Akshay, Yash, Mota etc. Akshay had already left Lets Go but I noticed Kunal didn’t. So I spoke to him seeking his cooperation to keep lets go alive etc.

Then one day, he popped up my system to say he was in Bangalore. I had earlier told him we’d meet him if and when he visits Bangalore. So on thursday I casually said you ain’t asking me out? I have no clue what he got out of that. He almost immediately said, “do you want to come to hampi with me? rather please come…”

I was not thinking. This blog is my truth I wouldn’t lie here. I should have thought as to what he meant by asking me out for the whole weekend on ‘just 2 of us’ trip but I didn’t think. Our conversation (gtalk) went something like this.

Me: Not a bad idea..how r u going? is it a official trip?

Him: No, personal

Me: ok when what time? You going alone?

Him: if i can get the train great..nai to bus. abhi tak to ek friend aur hai… you want it to be a two of us only trip :) ?

Me (very cautious to not give ideas yet keep him guessing): I was just asking…didnt say i want or dont want :)

Him: would you like to?

Me (at my confused best): no yes cant say :D

Him (was guessing now): oh okie.. par saath to chal sakti ho..aage ka aage dekhenge :)

We met each other for the first time in life at Majestic on Friday evening around 9. Took Volvo tickets to Pondicherry insted of Hampi. I was attracted to him at hello, I don’t know about him but he slept all through the night holding my hands. Rest of the story has been blogged about already in my previous post. But wait, fillum abhi chaalo hai…

Is it a common trend amongst men to avoid all kinds of emotional attachement with a woman they are only sexually attracted, like a one night stand or a weekend partner. We hit it off right after we checked in the cottage on saturday morning but we didn’t do. I don’t know how things would have been for the rest of weekend if we did do it, but his behaviour was strange for the rest of the weekend. May be that is his usual behaviour I was meeting him for the first time so can’t say really.

First, he didn’t touch me for the rest of the weekend at all. Second, he made it a point to make it obvious at every step that I was not a friend, not some one he wanted to spend the weekend with, but just some one he is travelling with. As if it was merely a conicidence that we were going at the same place on the same day. He said, “I am very selective about who I spend my time with, I have stronge likes and dislikes for people”. He was not talking much most of the time and said, “When I travel I don’t like conversations much. I try to connect to myself.” When he sats across the table at resturants he looked at every possible thing around except me. As if I was invisible. When ever I tried to make a conversation on any topic he snapped me abruptly.

But I had no complaints to any of these. Munish was exactly the same so I know, men would be men. Moreover, he took me to a costly dinner at Promenade so I was only immensely happy. What was just a wee bit unfair though was his reaction after we returned, which again has got nothing to do with him. It’s just about how men are in general. And no am not complaining.

After returning, of the many things that I was thinking, one was, could he possibly have had something in mind about ‘us’ which I ruined at that moment? I didn’t want to keep guessing and also didn’t want to take chance of ignoring it. I have had 2 such guys in my life who have told me years/months later that they had feelings for me which I kept resisting by my cynical attitude.

So, to find answer, I pushed things a bit. What did I do? I left a comment on his blog. And this is what followed.

Him: hey sam.. no personal questions on the blog please..

Me: but… u can always chose to ignore.. isn’t it

Him: I do not ignore what’s written on my blog..

Me: ok got it.. no personal questions on blog.. can I ask personal questions otherwise?

Him: No

Me: why not..?

Him: Why this interest Sam?

Me: Why not Kunal, what is wrong?

Him: Because I am not interested

Me: I could ask you the same question you know..

Him: yea.. you can ask… but i am not interested…

me: ok. So are we still the chat friends as we were before we met?

Him: you bet we are…but please stay away from showing this interest. This will screw up whatever there is.

Now one might wonder after all what was so personal a question, that I asked, to trigger such curt reaction from this guy. Nothing much, I had just said (not exact words) “I wonder why you go about throwing an anti romance attitude, some major heart break is it? I wish to know and understand you a bit more closely.”

Don’t show interest. So basically he can suddenly come in my life, expect me to be comfortable travelling with him over a weekend, expect me to be ok when he (some one I was meeting for the first time) held my hand, make the first moves towards making love (whether or not we did is not important) and at the end of it all, I can’t even wish to be friends with him. Isn’t that a bit unfair?

But it’s not his fault. ‘Men would be men and they don’t’ like it if women are women.’ This expectation in men, that I am casual about physical proximity, that with me it can be just about few moments, nothing before or after that, probably comes from the unique personality that I have, intelligent, successful, extremely outspoken, non traditional, rebellious, living life as a single women on my own terms. How would they know at the end of day I am just another women who could be everything a women is supposed to be.

After Munish and I returned from our trip he stopped talking to me. Just stopped. I didn’t ask anything, he didn’t say anything. We stayed in the same workplace for one more month. All our reports were to be submitted together after discussing amongst ourselves since we did the touring together. So we spoke for work but otherwise I didn’t even exist for him.

The project got over we parted ways. I hoped I would some day bump into him somewhere in the neighborhood since we lived so close. That didn’t happen but 2 months later I saw him joining the same new workplace that I had joined. I was shocked. Saw him from a distance but he still didn’t say hello. He sat next to me for one more month but we both pretended we have never known each other. He finally quit when I was about to take over roll as a team leader and there high chances of him being placed in my team.

Everyday of that one month, I asked my destiny, ‘how some one who have been so close could be so far away’. Men can be I guess, when their only reason of attraction was sexual.

———————————

All names used are fake.

Pretty soon people would give up meeting me in real life cause they find themselves being pasted on the blog as stories, quite a humiliating thing to do to human beings. Their personal conversation copy pasted for public viewing, I understand it all, but can’t help it cause this is the purpose of this blog, this is my truth. I am sorry if this hurts you.

21 thoughts on “Lead Me Not 2 Temptation

  1. Well Well Well… I’ve given you some insights about a typical male mentality and would not wish to repeat the same here.. Coz once i do that, it would be more of a blog post than a comment! ;)

    Anyways….. I feel you tend to take trivial things very seriously.. Avoid crying over spiltmilk and move on babe… There is a lot to life than just a guy! ;)

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  2. Generally, I do not read longer posts, but I did this time and can only say that sometimes “small talks” make big things… and men don’t want to take initiative in this too… and when they talk they won’t connect to you directly(i.e eye contact, body language .etc.) They feel comfortable while indirect talks (i.e. chat, email .etc.)

    Though, I might have less experience of life than yours but surely can say there is a very thin line between sexual attraction and love:-

    you can love someone without having sex with him or can have sex with someone without any love!!

    BTW, this is second blog post on “love/hurts”, I read this weekend and coincidently the other one is also your namesake i.e “san”ny!!

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  3. @ Sukumar

    This is not really about “a guy” its more about my research on men in general…each blog post is a research result :P

    @ Rupesh,

    Thanks for reading the full post…I didn’t expect people to read it really.. I agree about your thin line difference theory…I also think for men do have a little bit of love mixed in the sexual attraction they have for a woman.. although that love is very momentary..

    Again, love on the whole is very momentary…love doesn’t stay for life..if it does it aint love, its a package of understanding, sincerity, efforts, some compromise, some sacrifice… and lots of bitter truth

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  4. I don’t normally comment on personal stuff. Personally I would not dare to write 1/10th about myself in my blog. I respect you for the attitude.

    This male attitude, you talked about has a lot to do with the surroundings one grew up in. It’s a conflict they can’t handle internally and that shows up on the outer side as a cold/mean behavior.

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  5. Thanks Ram,

    Well, I really don’t understand why should it take daring to speak about yourself…it comes naturally to me…

    I think you are bang at point with what you said about “an internal conflict”.

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  6. Hey Sanju,

    You know my attitude. Its there loss. The sad thing is you always end up with losers. Trekking all over the Himalayas may have done wonders to his false ego for his own good by making him belive that he is “somebody” becuase the bottomline is, he is a nobody and so was Munish. Basically, they are scared. Scared to handle women with some grey matters becuase thye donot have much inside thier own skulls because due to gravity and the male chauvinism, most of the weight is in thier balls, and thus thye keep looking down and look down on women. So something which is alien to them, will offcourse lead to strange reactions. I call it allergic reactions of loser men to women like you. They are allergic becuase even after trekking the Himalayas, they still are very tiny. I really do not know what am I typing but its coming straight from the heart.
    My humble request to you is, start dating intelligent “MEN” becuase my take is “a useless peice of flesh between the legs” do not make a “man” a “man”. Its takes a lot to be a “man”. Date a “MAN” this time and not just be friends with him. Rest of them are all losers, and you know it very well.

    Love You

    Keep Writing

    Like

  7. Snig, friend, its not that bad…don’t be so harsh on him… I tried to make it clear in this post it’s not his fault completely… there are some things which can’t be mentioned on the blog… I guess it’s mindset, circumstances that are responsible… Not him as a person.. he is a grt guy trust me…reason I wanted to be his friend…

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  8. Contradicting Comments, Contrasting Quotes made this post look good.
    A moment, which made us to feel for eachother and we were not individual at that moment and there were no existance of MEN and WOMEN funda.

    A moment, Which made me to take sleeping pills for 1 month and now it obviously brings the difference in so called “feel” we felt for eachother.And MEN are men , WOMEN are women and both these categories are mostly mean.

    I loved the way snigdha had put her thoughts here, Yeah, I agree, “that” doesnt make man a MAN and I’m sure you agree that Man is because of Woman. But do you think, every Woman try to understand her Man? How many Wemen trust their men? Dont you agree women expect from Men? Dont you agree women look for Better partner in all the way?? Love and lust do not go hand in hand. Most people live in lust and confuse those feelings for love. Men love the same way women do. They just express it differently. “Men would be men and they don’t like it if women are women.”. I dont really agree with this. When someone overrides your expectations, do you really like it??.

    I’m one strangled soul who has become zombie as an effect of Indias so called cast culture.I expected someone to stand for me because I was her “Life” (as she wispered onez).But, Priorities of her real life changed with time and I left without “life”. Even if I try now, I’m not able to love anyone else. It has been year now and who is the culprit??Me?? She?? Circumstances??or Mindset??

    San, Men are mostly mean..but not Most Men are mean…All the best…heeh :). Tomorrow is new day with new sunrays!!!

    Like

  9. hey manoj,

    i agree and understand your POV. the point is things change and happen due to many reason. it may happen for good or for bad, thats a diff question though. so i think it surele not man or a woman who is the victim or the victimiser. the basic funda is, human beings are nasty to each other and thye can be nice to each other as well.

    i know many women, doing bad things to men, emotional blackmail being the most frequently used weapon.

    so, my take, “that” does not make a man a “Man” and “that” also does not make a woman a “Woman”

    and yes as John Gray puts it, we are from mars and venus so we will love to live with each other as much as we would hate it.

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  10. @Manoj

    Thanks for the thoughtful comment…feels grt you guys not only read the whole post but also take time out to comment…

    honestly i don’t have a fucking clue about who is right who is wrong who is mean and who is not..when it comes to relationships… my understanding is really very weak coz I have never been into a relationship. You guys would know better, those who loved and found love. I have done neither.

    Love is a bull shit word for me…a grt sex life is what one needs. That’s my new vision in my life…

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  11. @ Sanju’s last comment…. “Love is a bullshit word”… C’mon babe.. Love is a qualitative word.. it takes the definition of what is there in people’s minds… For a few, Love = Lust (which initially happens)… For a few more, Love = Friendship (Like it was and is for me!)

    @ Snigs…. Love the way you put it: “a useless peice of flesh between the legs” do not make a “man” a “MAN” — Well.. Though it is not the only thing that makes a man a MAN, it is one of the most important things that people want in order to fulfil their carnal desires

    @ Manoj… Dude, Women are quite strange beings.. they expect you to change when they like you and once they are with you, they go berserk coz you changed! Trust me.. I have faced this! :)

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  12. @snig

    Very True, Thanks :)

    @san

    Hey! You Love yourself yaar!!Dont you??:).Come on!! Blurt is when we are finding love in realtionship. Generation has changed.We are all independent now and we love ourselves more.
    Love is something you cant define and it still exists!!

    Love is not related to sex and sex is not an intimacy.If any human being wants to have platonic relationship, then its possible. If someone loves you madly, then ‘m sure he doesnt have reason to love you.I like this quote ” I Love you not for what you are, But, for what I’m When I’m with you”.

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  13. frst of all srry to put a comment on such a personal thing of urs, still felt like going ahead. u delete it if u dnt like it oksss.

    3cheers lady … u met the another next type of (impossible) man who exist in this wrld.

    Sumone said its hard to understand a woman….he never bothered to ask us.

    n’ways hw abt dat T.L thing, is it so ?? congratulations..

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  14. @ Sari and Ram.

    I don’t understand…If I can put up a personal thing for public viewing why should you people be sorry for talking about it or expressing your opinion on it… Too much of ‘sorry’ word around…

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  15. @ Fundu Rupesh

    Man you should be awarded with the nobel prize for coming up with such astonishing revelation, such earth shattering explanation to matters of love and lust, such fundu bytes sure needs to be licenced and protected for the benefit of mankind for all times to come… :D

    I have an obscure sense of humor… :P

    Actually am imagining myself sliding on the sides and slipping from love to lust…real sharp edge this triange got I tell you.. lol

    Sorry dude…needed some humor this post is very very depressing.. :P

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  16. Heylo Sanjukta!
    That was a great perspective from a woman’s viewpoint… i just can’t imagine what a woman really goes through when she spurns someone’s advances even though she may really like him… your blog post kind of articulated what most women might feel but can’t express… more of these posts please, so males like us understand the inner nuances of what women want/feel/understand…
    Keep penning!
    Z

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  17. @Sanjukta,
    I am great sucker for psychology.
    I would again go back to child hood for the explanation of sorry and not writing personal stuff. (heard of Sigmund Freud?)

    At least for me, the way I was brought up and the world i was later thrown into were poles apart. I am still struggling to cope with this difference.

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  18. @ Zed

    Thanks. Yeah I know I write a lot of things women don’t write…not being arrogant but its a unique genre of writing which comes straight from my heart without inhibitions.. am sure many think the same but they dont penn it…

    Keep reading this blog :)

    Like

  19. This comment is one more of such confused soul(!!!!!) who is trying to understand what’s it about love, sex, relationships… compromises? et al…
    Good write up… liked the discussion in comments even better…
    If I really had pushed myself to write the thoughts that I’m experiencing for the last 2 years since I broke up with the guy.. it wouldn’t have been any different than what you’ve put here in this blog…

    Like

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