Lead Me Not 2 Temptation

Men are mostly mean. Am not complaining much, just saying, “it’s not fair”. They suddenly fly in from no where into my life give a little hurt and fly away. ‘Lead me not to temptation’ I say to myself everytime. Alas, I get tempted again and again.

Take this guy, Kunal, for example. I knew him for some time now through virtual world before he flew in as flesh and blood in my life. Had first heard of him through Akshay. Was introduced to me as this avid trekker who almost have captured the whole of himalayas under his feet. ‘Wow’ I had exclaimed in admiration. Akshay then forwarded me link to his blogs and Flickr page and I started following him. That was in May 2005.

In August 2006 this guy showed his interest to join Let’s Go. That was the first time I interacted with him. I wrote a mail to him. A formal one telling him how after Kakan’s death I am not too sure where should the group be heading, but it still is great to have him around as an expert backpacker and that LetsGo is looking forward to some good contributions from him. He replied to that mail and I added him to Lets Go.

Gmail automatically adds those contacts with who you have had couple of exchange of mails to your Gtalk chat list. Thus he was added to my chat list and I to his. My Gtalk messages often contains links to my blog and flickr which I realised he started following. I often got very nice comments from him on my flickr page. And occassional hi whats up on gtalk. All his interactions were very warm. You can feel that warmth in all his virtual conversations. In response I have always been telling him (virtually) how it means a lot to be appreciated by him since he himself is so talented etc. I had a lot of respect for him because I noticed him giving respect to me. (All virtual, exchange of comments on blog and flickr mainly)

I never tried to know him more than what I should know about him as a Lets go member or as a chat friend. I have categories of people which category gets decided right at the time I meet (virtual or real) some one. I get vibes. Friendly vibes, Romantic vibes, Sexual vibes, Matrimonial vibes, professional vibes. Kunal was in the category of Professional vibes. I maintain the maximum distance with this category of people. I talk to them only on work related matters. (work inclues by blogging evangelism and Lets Go activities)

So I initiated conversations with him on 2 major occassions, once when he wanted to join Lets go and second when some major flame war happened on LetsGo centering around him, Akshay, Yash, Mota etc. Akshay had already left Lets Go but I noticed Kunal didn’t. So I spoke to him seeking his cooperation to keep lets go alive etc.

Then one day, he popped up my system to say he was in Bangalore. I had earlier told him we’d meet him if and when he visits Bangalore. So on thursday I casually said you ain’t asking me out? I have no clue what he got out of that. He almost immediately said, “do you want to come to hampi with me? rather please come…”

I was not thinking. This blog is my truth I wouldn’t lie here. I should have thought as to what he meant by asking me out for the whole weekend on ‘just 2 of us’ trip but I didn’t think. Our conversation (gtalk) went something like this.

Me: Not a bad idea..how r u going? is it a official trip?

Him: No, personal

Me: ok when what time? You going alone?

Him: if i can get the train great..nai to bus. abhi tak to ek friend aur hai… you want it to be a two of us only trip :) ?

Me (very cautious to not give ideas yet keep him guessing): I was just asking…didnt say i want or dont want :)

Him: would you like to?

Me (at my confused best): no yes cant say :D

Him (was guessing now): oh okie.. par saath to chal sakti ho..aage ka aage dekhenge :)

We met each other for the first time in life at Majestic on Friday evening around 9. Took Volvo tickets to Pondicherry insted of Hampi. I was attracted to him at hello, I don’t know about him but he slept all through the night holding my hands. Rest of the story has been blogged about already in my previous post. But wait, fillum abhi chaalo hai…

Is it a common trend amongst men to avoid all kinds of emotional attachement with a woman they are only sexually attracted, like a one night stand or a weekend partner. We hit it off right after we checked in the cottage on saturday morning but we didn’t do. I don’t know how things would have been for the rest of weekend if we did do it, but his behaviour was strange for the rest of the weekend. May be that is his usual behaviour I was meeting him for the first time so can’t say really.

First, he didn’t touch me for the rest of the weekend at all. Second, he made it a point to make it obvious at every step that I was not a friend, not some one he wanted to spend the weekend with, but just some one he is travelling with. As if it was merely a conicidence that we were going at the same place on the same day. He said, “I am very selective about who I spend my time with, I have stronge likes and dislikes for people”. He was not talking much most of the time and said, “When I travel I don’t like conversations much. I try to connect to myself.” When he sats across the table at resturants he looked at every possible thing around except me. As if I was invisible. When ever I tried to make a conversation on any topic he snapped me abruptly.

But I had no complaints to any of these. Munish was exactly the same so I know, men would be men. Moreover, he took me to a costly dinner at Promenade so I was only immensely happy. What was just a wee bit unfair though was his reaction after we returned, which again has got nothing to do with him. It’s just about how men are in general. And no am not complaining.

After returning, of the many things that I was thinking, one was, could he possibly have had something in mind about ‘us’ which I ruined at that moment? I didn’t want to keep guessing and also didn’t want to take chance of ignoring it. I have had 2 such guys in my life who have told me years/months later that they had feelings for me which I kept resisting by my cynical attitude.

So, to find answer, I pushed things a bit. What did I do? I left a comment on his blog. And this is what followed.

Him: hey sam.. no personal questions on the blog please..

Me: but… u can always chose to ignore.. isn’t it

Him: I do not ignore what’s written on my blog..

Me: ok got it.. no personal questions on blog.. can I ask personal questions otherwise?

Him: No

Me: why not..?

Him: Why this interest Sam?

Me: Why not Kunal, what is wrong?

Him: Because I am not interested

Me: I could ask you the same question you know..

Him: yea.. you can ask… but i am not interested…

me: ok. So are we still the chat friends as we were before we met?

Him: you bet we are…but please stay away from showing this interest. This will screw up whatever there is.

Now one might wonder after all what was so personal a question, that I asked, to trigger such curt reaction from this guy. Nothing much, I had just said (not exact words) “I wonder why you go about throwing an anti romance attitude, some major heart break is it? I wish to know and understand you a bit more closely.”

Don’t show interest. So basically he can suddenly come in my life, expect me to be comfortable travelling with him over a weekend, expect me to be ok when he (some one I was meeting for the first time) held my hand, make the first moves towards making love (whether or not we did is not important) and at the end of it all, I can’t even wish to be friends with him. Isn’t that a bit unfair?

But it’s not his fault. ‘Men would be men and they don’t’ like it if women are women.’ This expectation in men, that I am casual about physical proximity, that with me it can be just about few moments, nothing before or after that, probably comes from the unique personality that I have, intelligent, successful, extremely outspoken, non traditional, rebellious, living life as a single women on my own terms. How would they know at the end of day I am just another women who could be everything a women is supposed to be.

After Munish and I returned from our trip he stopped talking to me. Just stopped. I didn’t ask anything, he didn’t say anything. We stayed in the same workplace for one more month. All our reports were to be submitted together after discussing amongst ourselves since we did the touring together. So we spoke for work but otherwise I didn’t even exist for him.

The project got over we parted ways. I hoped I would some day bump into him somewhere in the neighborhood since we lived so close. That didn’t happen but 2 months later I saw him joining the same new workplace that I had joined. I was shocked. Saw him from a distance but he still didn’t say hello. He sat next to me for one more month but we both pretended we have never known each other. He finally quit when I was about to take over roll as a team leader and there high chances of him being placed in my team.

Everyday of that one month, I asked my destiny, ‘how some one who have been so close could be so far away’. Men can be I guess, when their only reason of attraction was sexual.

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All names used are fake.

Pretty soon people would give up meeting me in real life cause they find themselves being pasted on the blog as stories, quite a humiliating thing to do to human beings. Their personal conversation copy pasted for public viewing, I understand it all, but can’t help it cause this is the purpose of this blog, this is my truth. I am sorry if this hurts you.