Been a year and a month in Bangalore. Time flew by indeed and I have finally begin to feel I am settled here, only thing I miss is my car. I always wanted to have a car because it gives me a tremendous feeling of independence. As if those are not wheels but wings.
I guess I’ll get the car in May when my sister would be finished with her MA classes.
A friend today asked, “you still in Bangalore?” I said, “yes and I’ll be here for some more time, kind of settled now, rented out a home looking for a man.”
This person is some one I befriended when I had just come down to Bangalore, we spent a short span of some interesting times as friends which got screwed because of some even more interesting facts related to sex and romance. I got a blow so hard, I would never fully recover from and would never fully tell anybody about it.
We lost touch for almost a year. I have now forgot and forgiven. So he asked, “how have life been” and I said, “Been good. Nothing extraordinarily great, nothing to complaint about either. Just a smooth ride.”
Smooth rides on the journey of life are boring. So I always try to do something different, something that makes my life more exciting. But it ain’t easy to find the right kind of activity that would keep me entertained.
To talk a bit on men and their manhood:
Few months back I thought may be a lot of wild sex is what would add that edge-of-the-seat action in my life but I got weary of the idea after I was hugely put off by a 40 something married man trying to bed me for the Nth number of time in his life.
Admittedly, I initially agreed to see him. Because I have stopped bothering to figure out the background of these people’s extra marital sexual pursuits. I don’t care if it’s something about me or are they forever looking for a hole. I also don’t even care anymore what’s with their wives, whether they are aware of their husband’s feats or not. All I cared about was, if this guy is good looking enough and have that princely charm and chivalry, if he knows how to treat me like a queen I am game for a good fuck.
Alas, all those ‘ifs’ remained ‘if’, not one which could fit the bill. Tom was too bald, Dick was too fat, Harry was too tall and so on. So these married morons are just completely hopeless. If they knew how to be charming they would probably have had a healthier relationship with their wives and not wandering on the streets.
I have also begin to turn down ‘friendship requests.’ So when this guy who met me in Barcamp asked me out for a drink, the conversation went on something like this…
Guy – You wanna catch up for drink
Me – Sure, where are you taking me?
Guy – XYZ place.
Me – Where is that I don’t know, could you pick me from work?
Guy – Err, well your work is on the other side, I’d have to take a U turn, kinda detour.
Me – [In my mind, right since your dick is up straight and erect you can only go straight, U turn is an impossibility both anatomically and navigationally] Well I can’t take the pain of haggling with the Auto guys so either you come to this side, at some place I know or forget it.
Me – [Before he could respond to the above] Actually you know you should just pick me up, I like a bit of chivalry, you should also get some flowers, take me to a fancy restaurant instead of some cheap pub and must pay the bills.
Guy – I don’t believe in these rules, may be friends should be equal.
Me – Well, currently am only accepting lavish dinner dates coupled with flowers n wine, no friendship request please…sorry your bad luck.
Guy – Ok.
Whoever says ok in response to those kind of statements, what a boring guy. He didn’t ask anymore since then.
So basically I am largely ruling out meeting any more new random men. My priorities are very clear and am very focussed. I am also some one who doesn’t like to sexually hook up with friends. I find it very difficult to take a U turn and change track from being friends to romance or vice versa.
So these days am being single and celibate.
On meeting some one unique:
I didn’t tell anybody but I met an interesting person some time last year and been knowing him more with each day, finding out more unique things about him. And when I say ‘unique’ I mean weird.
He is the man I always wanted to meet. Somebody whose wit is hidden in his sarcasm, care is hidden in apathy, compliment is in criticism, somebody who is an awesome blogger and a community guy and lastly some one who demands to be and almost is my boss. And I let him be my boss because he takes my opinion on everything anyway. This has been my idea of romance always, to be everybody’s boss and to be with a someone who could be my boss. To lose myself when am with him and be a child he’d take care of.
It’s fun to be with this friend. From time to time I’d do something to challenge his position of being my boss which would piss him off to the extent of we fighting like cats and dogs calling each other names and promising to never talk again. But few moments or days of not talking and we’ll be just fine. I look forward to see him on gtalk not to have a sweet talk but to crib and complaint about something he did or didn’t do. And we fight again and again.
We are quite like a couple except that we are NOT. Neither do we want to be. But it’s interesting to know him, as long as I know him for one day we would really stop talking and would really not see each other ever. I know that as a matter of fact. I don’t know why and how but this would end. It’s a pattern about my relationships with most people, coincidentally most of them being Libra men. Great opening, rapid growth and a sudden crash.
On a weird recurring dream:
Which has been interpreted, by my sister to be a symbol of the conflict between my over active mind and my tired body.
I had this dream for about 5 times in the past one year. In different places, different time of the day, in the bus, flight, my place, friends place, night, afternoon. The common thing about its occurrence is that it occurs only when I am extremely tired. The content is exactly the same.
First time it was when I and Snig were on our way back from Hampi in a rickety bus. She was sitting in the window seat behind mine. I dreamt, the man next to me is trying to abuse me, touching me in wrong places and then he was trying to strangulate me and take away my laptop. I wanted to fight him but couldn’t move a finger I thought of calling Snig for help but couldn’t open my mouth, I thought I was going to die, thought how would Snig react when she’ll find me dead. Then, I put together all my strength for one last time and push the guy away and I woke up to realize it was a dream.
These dreams begin at the same time and place where I slept, so if I am sleeping in my bed that’s where my dream begins. Today I took an afternoon nap. Soon as I slept I felt the same way as I felt before. Presence of a man on my bed, I was scared and wanted to open my eyes to check if anybody was there, I opened my eyes, had a look at the main door it was closed, couldn’t see anybody but I could feel the invisible man lying on top of me. I tried to move and cry but I couldn’t I struggled some more and then woke up to realise there was a dream within a dream.
Sis said, “its your body trying to sleep and mind trying to wake up. You should sleep because its time to sleep and not because all your work is done, you are done reading all your google alerts and reader feeds, done writing all that you wanted to write. If you wait to finish everything and then sleep your mind would never let your body sleep.”
Interesting interpretation and it is 1.30 in the night right now. Time to sleep I guess. Feel good for writing so much of my truth after a long time. There’s more though. But later.
Oh but before I go I want to share one last thing. I recently for the first time in my life had a fear of death. I was afraid of dying too soon before I could make it big as a writer or otherwise be enough famous. Then I was afraid of being too famous to die at all. I am pretty sure there is no life after death, so I don’t want to die at the peak of my fame. I also don’t want to give tears to my parents. After fearing for some time I told myself, what the heck, if it has to happen it would happen.
Signing off at 2.44 am.