The google talk encountered an unexpected error. All chat windows shut down. I opened another IE window, typed hit enter. The hourglass appears and I am thinking ‘wordpress’ rhymes with ‘depress’. I am loooking at a blue corner, where the two walls of my cubicle meet. The lights in this cubicle are the same all day, so you can’t tell if its day mid day evening late evening or dark outside. I have ear phones plugged in so I can’t tell who else is in the office, am I alone? Is it raining outside? I can’t tell.

In a while I’d leave for home. I want to eat rice and fish curry. I haven’t had rice for so long. The pressure cooker I use to cook rice has no gasket, I need to pick one. I don’t know which place to go to buy a gasket, do Spencer have gasket? or Bangalore Central? I also need a hammer and some nails to hang some painting on the walls. Which shopping mall do I find them?

How purposeless is this life of a single woman living alone away from the only family she has known, her parents and sister. I need to do something. Something intersting. Interesting and purposeful. Its been more than 8-9 months since I went backpacking. I can’t believe my life, of all the people’s, have become so monotonous. Last week out of depression I called out the few friends I have in Bangalore to meet up and talk but hardly anybody made it.

A year and a bit more and the friends I made when I came to Bangalore have begin to drift. People simply move on. Social activity also have lessened.

Time to look for something new. New reason, new passion, another source of inspiration, I want to travel. The weekend backpacking have been restricted because none from the core group is getting time. I would have to start it all over again and find a new core group, free and footlose souls who has nothing to hold them behind.

Crisis is a good filter to seperate your true friends from those who are mere aquaintance. I recently had my crisis filter on. A lot of the names got struck out of my friends list. Sadly, one name that I thought I’d strike out is a name that’s written in my heart by blood. My sister’s. It was Friday, more than 24hrs since I last called her to give updates on the crisis when she said, “I am in a meeting would call you” and didn’t. All the while I wondered, no time eh. Really no time? What about the lunch break, the tea break, the dinner, breakfast, the commute? During that crisis I hated to go back to an empty home. Was feeling miserable that I couldn’t even be online my internet connection got screwed. I called home to talk to Mom. My sister picked up coz mom wasn’t at home. Soon after she has informed me that mom wasn’t there she said, “I am on the other phone, I’d talk to you later please?” My heart started bleeding.

Of all the things that has gone wrong in my life, the biggest wounds have been given by her. Her boyfriend is her priority. Period. I have agreed to put that period after a lot of misunderstanding and tears. After I had confessed to her that behind the veil of all my arbit over demanding attitude towards her is a fear that one day she would not care for me. A fear that a day would come when I wouldn’t have a life. She will. Not the best of life always but she would manage somehow. I am and would be alone. A fear that she wouldn’t be there for me when I’d be on my death bed. But I thought on a crisis day she would set her priorities.

I have decided to wait, to see how long does it take for her, to remember me. She hasn’t called yet.

The thing called sex has been getting more and more uninteresting for me. There has never been a man I really wanted to be with, never been a man who has been really great in bed. I don’t know what is this orgasm bull shit all about and I have doubt if anybody ever found any pleasure in sex without emotional attachment. Dang this is one area that makes me feel like a total dumb fuck.

I have more arbit rantings in store…but I have no water on my desk. No office boy to get me water and I am having pricking pain in my chest so I’d leave for home.

Leave a comment if you are a free and footloose soul in Bangalore interested in backpacking somewhere nearby, I intend to set upon one soon as I find a company.


10 thoughts on “This life…This arbit life

  1. I thought you had the vigour in you to do things alone. Why do you always need company to backpack. Trust me sometimes exploring things on your own would give you a better insight. Look forward for things in your life and make them exciting. Don’t worry about people who do not care for you. (oops thats my motto now).
    Agree with Saurabh and Layman. It is just a passing phase and would go away soon. Read something good, plan a weekend trip all by yourself and make it enjoyable.
    Or better still compare your life and my life.. you might feel better. I come back to an empty apartment everyday from work. I have zero friends in this city and this country and I have a cell phone and landline that never rings and I am dying to eat that rice and fish curry too :) Does that make you feel better now??


  2. One of those blue days again just before Aunty strikes…:-D

    As far as doing interesting things I know its been a long time. We planned for Disc. of Bangalore but you need to sit with us so that webiste could be made, you have not visited us in any of the Sundays you got. Travelling, how about just getting a ticket to some place and getting down at a station unknown. Just like that…no plan no itenarary…just your bag, money, cell phone and few travel mates..think about it? Lets just go to a place unknwon, stop at a highway dhaba eat there even if that means lose motions for the next 2 days but lets do it. How about this Sunday? I cant leave early becuase of the dogs, but can leave by 8, and would have to be back by 1 but I guess we can do it.

    Crisis is the best filter, I agree and probably thats why I am in touch and interested in only few people’s life. After all I dont need a crowd I need a family :-) As far as your problems with sis, I dont know but there is something in me telling me strongly about the “C” factor in her life. Hope its sorted out. No life is without crisis, highs and lows, after all it takes a lot to make a “Life” so lets just hope happy days seem longer than the tough days.
    Cooker Gasket, Hammer you can get at spencer, commercial street or if you have time try going to Chik Pet, I remember I had gone there a year back to buy a pressure cooker and hammer, ranch etc. You will have to look around but its fun exploring an unkwon place all by yourself, I did it. :-)


  3. O another thing:- SEX is great depends on how you look at it. Emotional part I dont know. May be it is needed to feel comfortable but it can be satisfying without emotional strings only if you look at it that way. How to get a good man is something which is a mystry so I really cant help you there. may be there are things which would happen when it is to happen.


  4. hey life is not like that always… One need to b alone at times… I used to feel the same when i came to Bangalore… but now i have engrossed myself in work and developed my old habit of reading…So u mite as well try one :) best of luck


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