The google talk encountered an unexpected error. All chat windows shut down. I opened another IE window, typed wordpress.com hit enter. The hourglass appears and I am thinking ‘wordpress’ rhymes with ‘depress’. I am loooking at a blue corner, where the two walls of my cubicle meet. The lights in this cubicle are the same all day, so you can’t tell if its day mid day evening late evening or dark outside. I have ear phones plugged in so I can’t tell who else is in the office, am I alone? Is it raining outside? I can’t tell.
In a while I’d leave for home. I want to eat rice and fish curry. I haven’t had rice for so long. The pressure cooker I use to cook rice has no gasket, I need to pick one. I don’t know which place to go to buy a gasket, do Spencer have gasket? or Bangalore Central? I also need a hammer and some nails to hang some painting on the walls. Which shopping mall do I find them?
How purposeless is this life of a single woman living alone away from the only family she has known, her parents and sister. I need to do something. Something intersting. Interesting and purposeful. Its been more than 8-9 months since I went backpacking. I can’t believe my life, of all the people’s, have become so monotonous. Last week out of depression I called out the few friends I have in Bangalore to meet up and talk but hardly anybody made it.
A year and a bit more and the friends I made when I came to Bangalore have begin to drift. People simply move on. Social activity also have lessened.
Time to look for something new. New reason, new passion, another source of inspiration, I want to travel. The weekend backpacking have been restricted because none from the core group is getting time. I would have to start it all over again and find a new core group, free and footlose souls who has nothing to hold them behind.
Crisis is a good filter to seperate your true friends from those who are mere aquaintance. I recently had my crisis filter on. A lot of the names got struck out of my friends list. Sadly, one name that I thought I’d strike out is a name that’s written in my heart by blood. My sister’s. It was Friday, more than 24hrs since I last called her to give updates on the crisis when she said, “I am in a meeting would call you” and didn’t. All the while I wondered, no time eh. Really no time? What about the lunch break, the tea break, the dinner, breakfast, the commute? During that crisis I hated to go back to an empty home. Was feeling miserable that I couldn’t even be online my internet connection got screwed. I called home to talk to Mom. My sister picked up coz mom wasn’t at home. Soon after she has informed me that mom wasn’t there she said, “I am on the other phone, I’d talk to you later please?” My heart started bleeding.
Of all the things that has gone wrong in my life, the biggest wounds have been given by her. Her boyfriend is her priority. Period. I have agreed to put that period after a lot of misunderstanding and tears. After I had confessed to her that behind the veil of all my arbit over demanding attitude towards her is a fear that one day she would not care for me. A fear that a day would come when I wouldn’t have a life. She will. Not the best of life always but she would manage somehow. I am and would be alone. A fear that she wouldn’t be there for me when I’d be on my death bed. But I thought on a crisis day she would set her priorities.
I have decided to wait, to see how long does it take for her, to remember me. She hasn’t called yet.
The thing called sex has been getting more and more uninteresting for me. There has never been a man I really wanted to be with, never been a man who has been really great in bed. I don’t know what is this orgasm bull shit all about and I have doubt if anybody ever found any pleasure in sex without emotional attachment. Dang this is one area that makes me feel like a total dumb fuck.
I have more arbit rantings in store…but I have no water on my desk. No office boy to get me water and I am having pricking pain in my chest so I’d leave for home.
Leave a comment if you are a free and footloose soul in Bangalore interested in backpacking somewhere nearby, I intend to set upon one soon as I find a company.