Long time no incoherence

Dr. Motion accused me of paying more attention to Mutiny and extending step motherly attitude to TIMT.

Well she is right. Blogging has not been really happening the way it used to be 3 years back. There is no particular reason for it. I just don’t feel so much anymore to be expressed. I feel a lot about the political issues in the country which I express on Mutiny or if I have to use profanity I go to TIMM.

There isn’t much of a personal life to be blogged about anyway. Very cliched it is but the right word is, ‘comfortably numb’ (what would we sad people do without a Roger Waters) No romance to pursue, no heart aches, no more dreams to be broken.

To make matter worse, something happened in the recent past, on a Let’s Go trip to be precise, which made me go into a withdrawal state of mind, where I felt like withdrawing myself from everything in life.

Socializing activities was the first casualty of this state. I am a very vulnerable person. In the real world out there it’s very easy to hurt me. Most of the time I am easy going, I don’t mind people pulling my legs, if you are making fun of me I would rather smile and ignore instead of making a big deal out of it. Unfortunately, I haven’t learnt where to draw the line so people come and walk all over me and I can’t even say a thing.

In the Let’s Go trip I was hurt by a group of random strangers who I was meeting for the first time. One of them started it and then the rest of the group throughout every single waking hours of the 3 days that the trip lasted, made me a subject of ridicule and public fun. So traumatized was I with this whole trip that I came back thinking this whole Let’s Go idea was a big mistake.

Meeting up random strangers and go backpacking with them just don’t work and I am never going to try this again. I no longer want to be around strangers who don’t know me or care little about me as a person. I am an important person. My time and company is not for public enjoyment. You gotta make special efforts to reach me, to be able to talk to me or meet me. I am not available in social circles anymore. No barcamps, no blogger’s meets, no tweet ups. Not unless it is something I am organizing.

So I skipped Barcamp 7, been skipping all the tweetups that’s happening every month in Bangalore. Didn’t call for any bloggers meet in a very long time.

All I want to do is be alone with Snigdha and Vinayak around. Without them I would have lost my mind though.

Besides the Let’s Go incident the other thing that’s stopping me from socializing and making me go into a shell is age. I have suddenly started feeling very old. The age thing has just got on my nerves. Most of the guys/girls in these tech-social events like barcamps, blogger meets, tweetups are in their early 20s. I suddenly feel very odd amongst them. I imagine myself as that one weird person who we see hanging out with group he / she don’t fit in and we wonder what is up with that guy? Doesn’t he have a family or something, how come and why and a hundred other curious shit. I am gradually becoming that weirdo.

Scary part is today these guys are in their early 20s and am in early 30s, tomorrow I would be in 40s and the tech-social events would still have most guys in their 20s. For, those who are in 20s now would no longer be here when they’ll be in 30s, then they’ll have other things to pursue. Family, children, work etc.

So my way out of this is to go missing from public eye. I still wanna be famous and big, so I will be famous, people would hear about me, read me, follow me, admire me but they’ll seldom get to meet me. They’ll not know the real me. I’ll remain the ever elusive.

Am sorry about the length of this post and if you are still reading I don’t know what is it that is making you stick. It’s all just depressing shit. People are so naive, they always advice you, “you must tell him how you feel.” Why can’t they get the simplest of things – telling anything would be the greatest act of stupidity anyone every committed.

There is a particular way you occupy a space in a car. It reflects the space you have in the car owner’s life vis a vis the other people in the car. Most girls shift their space according to their partner’s space. So if its your boyfriend’s car and he is driving you sit next to him in the front and your other friends girls or boys can sit in the back. After a long drive if your boyfriend hands over the steering to another guy / gal you and your boyfriend both move in the back seat and two people from back come to front. If there were 3 people in the back initially, those 2 would come in the front who are more close to each other as friends.

I love driving and I rarely give the steering to others and the front seat next to me is always a variable. And I am always the variable in other cars.

I rock. I am a rock.

9 thoughts on “Long time no incoherence

  1. Intersting theories on the car seating thing. Have always driven around with a gang of guys.. or in twosomes.. so really won’t know!

    somehow.. have always thrived on strangers!

    Anyway. no stalking someone who doesn’t want strangers in her life!

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  2. Wow… You know you are not “old” but a grown up now. Also growing as a writer too. Not commenting further as you know what I have to say.

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  3. Old mama, havent you heard, “There are no strangers only friends waiting to be met.” :-)
    Anyway, we were all strangers before we became friends, you extend one hand I extend the other and we are holding hands after that. :-)
    I guess this was again one of those PMS days..u were going thru…:P

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  4. A deep and insightful post – but I would go with Snigs when she says that you met a lot of friends as strangers. yes, sometimes its difficult to see people move on, change, and evolve, while sometimes life around you is just the same. I have been there and seen that and in these times patience and perseverence become the key – something which you aptly put as I am a rock! Hang on there steadfast – and things will change in due course – cos change is invincible.

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  5. Hey, Lekshmi here. I am going thru ur writing in general for a while now. You definitely have done quite a bit of dedicated hard work in here. Really worth appreciation. But I was wondering – since you have been always very non-pretentious and open, and have been holding not much of your thoughts as private, Do You Feel Like TRUMAN?! played by Jim Carry in “The Truman SHow”? Just wondering!

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  6. Age doesn’t have anything to do with hanging out with like minded people, whether its a meetup or tweetup. I never believe in this age funda & neither should you :)

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  7. Sigh everybody is going through the age problem I see. I am attending a journalism class and most students are 2 or 3 years younger to me, still in college! I feel like this old aunt! But well I have learnt to accept it now and forgot about it. So when some time passes you will have other things to worry about. I guess the age trouble comes when there is a void in your problems-package. “Oh she doesnt have any worries, come lets give her an age complex”, thats how it works. Yeah yeah I know it all :D

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