Well she is right. Blogging has not been really happening the way it used to be 3 years back. There is no particular reason for it. I just don’t feel so much anymore to be expressed. I feel a lot about the political issues in the country which I express on Mutiny or if I have to use profanity I go to TIMM.
There isn’t much of a personal life to be blogged about anyway. Very cliched it is but the right word is, ‘comfortably numb’ (what would we sad people do without a Roger Waters) No romance to pursue, no heart aches, no more dreams to be broken.
To make matter worse, something happened in the recent past, on a Let’s Go trip to be precise, which made me go into a withdrawal state of mind, where I felt like withdrawing myself from everything in life.
Socializing activities was the first casualty of this state. I am a very vulnerable person. In the real world out there it’s very easy to hurt me. Most of the time I am easy going, I don’t mind people pulling my legs, if you are making fun of me I would rather smile and ignore instead of making a big deal out of it. Unfortunately, I haven’t learnt where to draw the line so people come and walk all over me and I can’t even say a thing.
In the Let’s Go trip I was hurt by a group of random strangers who I was meeting for the first time. One of them started it and then the rest of the group throughout every single waking hours of the 3 days that the trip lasted, made me a subject of ridicule and public fun. So traumatized was I with this whole trip that I came back thinking this whole Let’s Go idea was a big mistake.
Meeting up random strangers and go backpacking with them just don’t work and I am never going to try this again. I no longer want to be around strangers who don’t know me or care little about me as a person. I am an important person. My time and company is not for public enjoyment. You gotta make special efforts to reach me, to be able to talk to me or meet me. I am not available in social circles anymore. No barcamps, no blogger’s meets, no tweet ups. Not unless it is something I am organizing.
All I want to do is be alone with Snigdha and Vinayak around. Without them I would have lost my mind though.
Besides the Let’s Go incident the other thing that’s stopping me from socializing and making me go into a shell is age. I have suddenly started feeling very old. The age thing has just got on my nerves. Most of the guys/girls in these tech-social events like barcamps, blogger meets, tweetups are in their early 20s. I suddenly feel very odd amongst them. I imagine myself as that one weird person who we see hanging out with group he / she don’t fit in and we wonder what is up with that guy? Doesn’t he have a family or something, how come and why and a hundred other curious shit. I am gradually becoming that weirdo.
Scary part is today these guys are in their early 20s and am in early 30s, tomorrow I would be in 40s and the tech-social events would still have most guys in their 20s. For, those who are in 20s now would no longer be here when they’ll be in 30s, then they’ll have other things to pursue. Family, children, work etc.
So my way out of this is to go missing from public eye. I still wanna be famous and big, so I will be famous, people would hear about me, read me, follow me, admire me but they’ll seldom get to meet me. They’ll not know the real me. I’ll remain the ever elusive.
Am sorry about the length of this post and if you are still reading I don’t know what is it that is making you stick. It’s all just depressing shit. People are so naive, they always advice you, “you must tell him how you feel.” Why can’t they get the simplest of things – telling anything would be the greatest act of stupidity anyone every committed.
There is a particular way you occupy a space in a car. It reflects the space you have in the car owner’s life vis a vis the other people in the car. Most girls shift their space according to their partner’s space. So if its your boyfriend’s car and he is driving you sit next to him in the front and your other friends girls or boys can sit in the back. After a long drive if your boyfriend hands over the steering to another guy / gal you and your boyfriend both move in the back seat and two people from back come to front. If there were 3 people in the back initially, those 2 would come in the front who are more close to each other as friends.
I love driving and I rarely give the steering to others and the front seat next to me is always a variable. And I am always the variable in other cars.
I rock. I am a rock.