I had once fallen in love with a man who I never met.

I was in my early 20s, Munish had just started distancing himself from me for reasons completely unknown to me. He behaved rudely with me in public, said things to hurt me often. He was a different person altogether.

I was sad and depressed, on one such day I logged in to a yahoo chat room out of depression. Yahoo Public Chat rooms were big those days. I am not even sure if they still exist. 20s love and romance used to be my favorite chat room. So many stories have emerged out of that room, including a probable dead man who still haunts me.

Anyway, so that day from one of the common library PC, I logged in to the ’20s love and romance’ chat room and met D. Within 30 mins we had exchanged numbers. And by the time I had signed out of the chat and came back to my desk he had called. Within a month of him calling he proposed to marry.

Yes! I said yes to him. I told my parents, he told his parents. The two sets of parents spoke to each other and it was decided that since he was in a different city, I should go and meet his sister who lived in Delhi.

We were both in love. Trust me it was love, he used to call me every few hours of the day, if we were not talking on phone, we were exchanging SMS. He made me buy a webcam so we could see each other, we will often fall asleep in front of our computers after hours of talking. It was crazy. It was love.

Then the day came, I met his sister. She gave him feedback,

“She is fat.”

He said, “I know”

“She is short”

“I know.”

“She has a birth mark on her face”

“I know”

“If you already know everything then why did you ask me to meet her. Anyway, I liked her, she is full of life and joy”

I had barely left the cafe where I met his sister and he messaged me, “Samy I love you, you make me so happy. Can’t wait to be with you now.”

I instantly knew I had passed. Wedding bells were soon to ring. I realized I will have to move to the small South Indian town where he was posted, realized that I will have no career in Law in that area because for lower courts you need to know local language. I tried to imagine my life as a house wife, perhaps for a while. I didn’t care, I was in love and I felt being loved, by him.

His family then wanted to match horoscope. My dad didn’t like the idea, in our family no body has ever believed in horoscopes. He said since we don’t believe in it, I will not match it, but I will send my daughter’s details and let them match it. I spoke to D. “You never said you guys believed in horoscope and all, what if it doesn’t match.”

He assured me that any two given horoscopes can be matched under any circumstance if there is a will, “Sweetheart don’t worry, horoscope or no horoscope, there’s nothing that can stop us from being together.”

The horoscope didn’t match, he got nervous. A week later he sent me an SMS “samy I talk home they r sayin knowingly they wont allow us to marry otherwise the decision will be mine for which they will be very much hurt”

I cried a lot and then I moved on. I forgave him. I even wrote a post dedicated to him ‘A testimonial for a Beautiful Friend’, which has so far become the top post with highest traffic for this blog. What an irony, thousands of people who google for a sample of testimonials for their loved ones, land up on my page where I wrote a testimony for a man who was a coward, a jerk who broke my heart.

6 years later

I met another guy via internet, this time on Twitter, let’s call him ‘IC’. We both were single, lonely, looking for someone to spend our lives together (or so I thought). I asked him out. It was a nice date, he came with flowers and we had good conversations. I liked him and wanted to see him again. A month has passed but he hasn’t called. On chat he said he likes to take things slowly.

2 weeks after meeting IC

I met yet another guy again via Twitter, let’s call him V. We both are single, lonely, looking for someone to spend our lives together (or so I thought). While I was waiting for IC to ask me out on a second date, V initiated virtual conversations on Gtalk. We have not been on a date yet because we live in different cities. But we chat every day. We even schedule our sleep time, eating time, office time so that we can catch each other online. V says, he will be in Delhi some time soon and I look forward to meet him.

This is what hope does. After the disastrous cyber relationship with D in 2004, and a zillion other experiences of over enthusiastic curious men who chased me online and lost interest in me after one meeting, I am headed for another cyber affair. I am headed in the exact same direction where I have been before, where I have only found thorns. But I am not scared one bit of yet another heartbreak because I still have hope.

This is what hope does. Even though IC never asked me out for a second date, because clearly he thinks I am not worth it, I don’t feel so bad because I have already found V. Hope that may be V is the one.

This is what hope does. I would meet him in August. May be he will be another brick on the wall, may be he too will follow suit, he will lose interest in me after we’ll meet, one date will be enough for him to figure out ‘she is not worth pursuing’ and I will never have a second date.

But, this is what hope does, I shall live till August with hope.

And then I will find another hope.


15 thoughts on “This is what hope does

  1. Sanjukta, I salute you.. no really.. I am laughing & my eyes are full of tears.. So simple & yet so meaningful.. only my affairs were a walk through the damp subway..
    Yes, Hope is what I have lost..
    Cyber dating- never ventured yet..
    seriously, very beautiful write; you dont need me to know this..


  2. :-)
    Reminds me of your post on hopeless romantisism.

    Contrary to what all others have said, can I take the liberty to suggest that since after every 1st date a 2nd date never happens, would it not make sense to find out what’s wrong on this side of the heart? I mean, is there something that you need to let go or change…may be? Now please dont kill me for suggesting this…I have taken liberty I know but a serious introspection wont do any harm (ok I am out of here now)


  3. Whether 2nd date happens or not is a separate story; and after 2nd date maybe one would start talking about 3rd date and so on. What matters most is hope and I salute you for keeping the hope going. Keep the hope going


  4. No offence, but I just don’t understand how people can support you on meeting guys online. I know your post is about hope which is good but intelligent people like you should really take lessons from others who met people online and honestly, it hardly works. Its high time you meet some real people rather than these online creeps who would be totally different when you meet them in person. By the way Snigdha has a good point too.


  5. I suppose you should go ahead.It doesn’t matter whether it will work farther or end there. what matters is … it happened ..:-)
    FYI,I met my husband couple of years via internet chatting ..and i still chat :-)


  6. Hope is only stupid till the time it is failing..for those it works, they are called dreamers–achievers..

    without hope u get nothing,,,so keep hoping..it is good..


  7. well, i dont think ur talking about hope, ur talking about ur pattern on getting into cyber relationships……
    hope is something else..or woudnt be talking about august!!…….


  8. I can totally relate with what you are saying sanjukta. May be its all for good (my friends used to say this to me a lot). May be there is someone who will take you on a date and ask for the next date immediately. And you said a good thing.. This is what hope does to every one.. Same pinch :)


  9. Hi,
    I am not here to give sermons or instructions. So i would not say, do not talk to random people online or dont meet them and etc etc. Just this much that, Take care.

    And the post; the hope element in it is so so nice. The hope to fall in love, of getting happiness is a must and I am going to learn from you :)

    Keep up!!


  10. Sanjukta, Got to learn a lot for the post hope i don’t repeat some of the mistakes i am also doing. Great post. Have not tried all what written but i had my share of pain & i guess hope is still alive.


  11. A year has passed I wrote this post.

    Updates – I never had another date with IC but he is still on my FB, Twitter, Gtalk. V suddenly disappeared into the thin air. He messaged me that he was coming to Delhi, the day his plane was to land, he disappeared. Since then I never saw him online. I wrote two emails and never got a reply. May be he died.


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