Alone and alive (Final Chapter of Book of Romance-Part 1)


This blog is back in action with its original content, feelings and emotions from the bottom of my heart, bare truth for the world to read. I spent all of 2010 and 2011 so far worrying over the fact that everybody who knew me in real life, all the friends, the family members, colleagues, read my blog too often and so I couldn’t share everything that I wanted to share without inhibitions.

But of late I have started to notice that the readership of this blog is again impersonal, the audience is made up of faceless strangers like it was when I first started blogging 6 years back. Once again, like old times, when I come to this blog at the end of each day to share my thoughts and feelings, I feel there’s no one else around, at least no one that I personally know, its just me and my blog here. I feel alone again, safe and alive.

So here it goes. Reporting live from my heart…

Earlier this year, I fell in something like love. I still don’t know what love is, so I wouldn’t say “I fell in love”. But it felt a lot like love. I think there is a movie by that name, right?

Anyway, so this time believe you me, it was the whole deal. Birds were singing, bells were ringing in my head, heart beats were faster than before and knees felt weak.  And this time for a change the feelings were mutual too, or so I thought.

Oh, how wrong was I. The feelings were mutual just as much the swan was a crow. And so here it is the final chapter of my book of romance. I shall not love again.

The back story to the sad and lonely future ahead is funny and entertaining and would make a wonderful book some day. You are not a publisher by any chance are you? What! A heart broken woman gotta eat!

My writings be my greatest take away from all my relationships or should I say non-relationships or failed-attempt-at-a-relationship to be very precise. They say, “too many sad words make a sad sad song.” ‘They’ as in the Irish rock band The Frames. I love them by the way. And him Shelly says, “Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thoughts.”

Indeed. And I have a lot of sad thoughts. I must have fallen in somewhat like love some 10-15 times so far and all them damn men broke my heart so what else do you expect. So you see, I have collected enough sad words to write at least 3-4 wonderful books of tragic love stories. My one small challenge however is that I can’t get rid of a terrible sense of humor.

I am sorry, I digress often.

Back to that relationship I was talking about. Would you believe, for the first 3 months of this failed-attempt-at-a-relationship, I religiously kept conspicuous note of all the developments of this plot. Noted every small thing he did or say, every small and big emotion I felt, I even copy pasted all our Gtalk and FB chat conversations for the keeps.

I titled the daily updates something like this – The day we met; I am in love; Days of Love-1, 2, 3 and so on. Then one day when I realized, actually he told me, that he doesn’t love me back, I decided to un-love myself. Like you know you can un-friend someone on Facebook, or un-like a status update, so my updates were then titled as ‘Days of unlove-1, 2, 3 and so on. Then there were ‘Days of Love / Unlove / I don’t know anymore love; The break up; The post break up. Finally, the last update which I wrote last month was titled ‘The final chapter of the book of romance is still to be continued’

Quite frankly the whole thing sort of went out of control. You see it was stupid to fall in love in the first place.

Well, love is always stupid, nothing new about that. But the damn trouble this time was that initially it seemed so right. I mean the first time I saw him I was immediately into him. In no time, I started catching vibes and signals and all sorts of other non oratory functions by his body and everything started making sense, a romantic sense.

But it was all so wrong. My love was tacky, unrealistic, ill fitted. Perhaps desperate, immoral and unethical too.

First, he was not into me. None of them ever are, its just me who keeps getting these wrong signals all the time. If you have seen the movie, ‘He’s Just Not That Into You‘, here’s a lesson you must have learned. He is NOT into you if he is NOT saying he is into you. It doesn’t matter how many times he says, “you smell nice baby” or “You look pretty.”

You see men do things that are beyond us. They tease you, please you, smile at you and give you compliments. We don’t know what they mean, and we will not assume what they mean. Don’t assume that you know what he meant when he came close to you and looked deep into your eyes and said something nice. That kind of gesture might not mean a thing to him.

So it doesn’t matter how may times he does poetry on your eyes and your smile. It doesn’t matter if he hugs you and kisses you in the middle of a crowd. Doesn’t matter if all your girl friends around you think he is into you. Your only true test is when he says the damned words confirming he is into you.

Until then, he is not into you.

I have seen that movie but I haven’t learnt my lessons. I made my fair share of mistakes. I thought he was into me. Or at least something Definitely May Be. Turned out there was nothing and that I had made an ass of myself.

Now, that one is easy, making an ass of yourself.

First, you go ahead fall in love with someone who is NOT into you. Then you tell that person that you have fallen in love and swallow your pride and sink your heart when he says, “Oh but I was never into you, I don’t know if I did anything to make you feel that way, but trust me baby, nothing can ever happen between us.” And then finally, to complete the process of making yourself into an ass you write a blog post about it for the whole world to read.

My love was tacky and ill fitted because I fell in love with a guy a decade younger than me. I mean that is just obnoxious. Don’t you agree?

I remember in my younger days I have sat with my little circles of friends in our little wells and gossiped and giggled and judged women who were in relationships with younger men. We never judged the older men though for being in love with much younger women, as a matter of fact it has been one of my fantasies to have a discreet affair with someone old and powerful.

So there I was in love (not) and with the irony of it all coming back to my posterior.

My love was unrealistic because, really what was I thinking? He is going to be with a woman who was old and not so pretty? He is in the prime of his youth, these are the days when a man could have, if he wanted, flings with every pretty girl to cross his way. I mean get real.

Finally, my love was desperate, immoral and unethical because I was sexually attracted to him. I desired his body, I enjoyed his beauty. They tell me that sort of thing is totally sinful.

My love was dispensable. My love was trash. I am a trash.

Now hold it right there, don’t shed that very obvious drop of tear that has gathered at the corner of your right eye…left eye…whatever. Don’t Cry for Argentina the truth is I never left you…

Aye? What? Ah! Right!

So, don’t cry for me, am not yet heart broken. Its been 8 months and I still have him around and close. We’ve come a long way without me drifting away. I give that to him for he held on.

I repeat, the last chapter of book of romance continues and I think that’s him calling for a long time. I should take that call.

[To be continued]

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3 comments

  1. Now I know why do you have GERD. Its your love life which is making you all sick. You should tag the blog post heartburn rather than heartbreak. And you have a huge huge huge crush on him thats what it is. By the looks of it you are enjoying your time with him for whatever time it lasts and he is also enjoying himself because he can be with you without committing to you so that one day when it is convinient for him he can decide to walkaway without feeling guilty because apparently “he has not done anything to give you the idea that he loves you” . All the holding, compliments, making out, kissing and PDA is just like saying hello, or waving your hand at a bus or pissing in public…you know..they are all to be taken for granted. Oh yes, no one can make an ass of you especially if you are with an asshole because he will still be a hole which is shitier than the ass. So use him like the hole, let the shit pass as long as it lasts. Yenjoy…and dont forget to flush :-)

    P.S. Well written straight from the heart.

  2. Lol, oh dear I just hope he doesn’t read this comment. But no friend, he’s not an asshole, wait for the next installments of this story :)

    He is one of the most beautiful people I have met, inward, outward. Not everything has to be our way, let the beautiful man have his shares of whims and fancies, they make him all the more attractive and chase worthy :)

  3. oh one more thing…we have been on both side of the story, here is a girl firend who loves this jerk and there we have a male friend who is with this woman (we call her AK47) and just like your case they sleep, they make merry but the guy has kept everything very clear that he cant marry or commit to this woman (she is older) and we take his side of the story because we never get to hear her side of the story and conclude that the girl is being an idiot since he has made everything very clear therefore she should not be an emotional fool. But what we forget eachtime is that humans have a complex brain and a even more complex heart and emotional reaction. Its just not possible to reason and justify all the time.

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