Matter

23rd July 2012

I would never be able to explain it to anybody, including myself, how much it helps, writing a blog post at the most vulnerable times of my life. The only way I can ever express myself is by typing my heart out right here, away from every human eyes.

So what happened today?

Just what I was always afraid of, my worst fears came up to me laughing and dancing in front of my eyes, making ugly scary faces at me. I feared this day would come and did my best to avoid it, but I couldn’t. And when it came, I couldn’t express any of the emotions I felt, from anger to pain to melancholy.  I couldn’t say the last few things I wanted to say, couldn’t do it my way. Right in front of my eyes, a whole damn world collapsed and I just stood there.

While all that was happening, I was with 4 other people drinking, smoking, laughing and simultaneously fighting my fears alone inside. Those  people would never know what happened unless they read this blog post, including that man who made my worst fears alive, again. The man who lay next to me after the party was over while I with my eyes closed, said the forever unsaid in my heart.

Now as I stand over the pieces of yet another broken, what appears to be, dream, I share with my blog what remained unsaid:

This day had to come alright, no shit about that. It was you who found me. “My find of 2011” you once called me. And I knew like a restless child you’d lose me one day. You live your life in frames and the frames in which I was had to change sooner or later.

Its just that, I bloody needed a closure.

It has never been a secret that I loved you from the moment I first saw you. But that was not your problem you said, because you left no stone un-turned to make it clear to me that you never felt the same way. Forget ‘same‘, you never ‘felt‘ for me. At least that’s what you always claimed.

But a woman’s heart is not stupid. A woman knows when and what does a man feel for her. My heart told me there was something, what exactly I didn’t know, but something. In last few months, my heart also told me whatever it was, is now gone. I just needed to bring an official closure to whatever that was there that no longer exists.

I don’t like it when people drift and that’s exactly what you did. Didn’t I always say this drift is my worst fear? People leaving me without a goodbye. Drift like I never existed, making me realize that I am so dispensable, so insignificant, so nonexistent. I can’t explain how painful this realization is. It happened again.

A goodbye should have happened a year ago. I should have never come this far with you. You remember last year, around same time, one fine morning when it was windy and rainy we sat on the roof of India Coffee House for hours arguing about whether to bring a closure or not? You convinced me against it. You came up with reasons why there should be no closure. Why invisible strings always keep us attached.

That day and thereafter I tried a few more times to bring a closure, a formal break up from a relationship we never had. But I admit I wasn’t strong enough. I didn’t have the strength to deliberately let go of your time, company and affection.

These are now gone anyway.

In the last couple of weeks, there have been SMSes, FB Wall posts, Emails, Phone calls from my side, some of which were casual, some emotional, some informative. All of them remained unanswered and un-returned. Nothing that I said or wrote was able to get a single word in response or acknowledgement from you. That’s you in a different frame, pre-occupied with things more fresh and interesting, perhaps your ‘find of 2012’. A state of your being where you don’t even realize what you are letting go.

From my side, all that was now left to be done was a cup of coffee, a close hug and a long goodbye. I just had to come back from my travels, meet you once and get this done.

But I couldn’t. Because you are leaving and I don’t know when would you be back.  And you don’t have the time to meet me ‘alone‘ before you leave.

This is it, an end before I could get that final moment with you, of my time, my space and my good bye.

In the past you have gone away like this, but I had this faith that you’d call the day you come back. But not anymore. From now on that ‘I am back, meet soon‘ call or SMS won’t come to me anymore. That’s what girlfriends are for, right? And now you got one, girlfriend.

Friends are people with whom you share the insignificant details of your boring life, acquaintances are them with who you share the milestones. Somewhere in between, when you add sex to it, you get a lover.

I need a friend, or a lover. An acquaintance is not what I need.

So, although I couldn’t say it face to face, here it is, my long goodbye. In my heart I close that window which opened up to you. In rather non poetic words, you would no longer hear from me via any medium whatsoever.

I fell in love with you, because you gave love. In your defense you would say, “I give the same love to everybody.” And in my defense, I’d say, you are like the Sun which shines for all. I fell in love with the sun and burnt my heart.

Goodbye

7 thoughts on “Matter

  1. I wonder why you named this post ‘Matter’…. Eventhough you will get a million of other people sharing the same stuff you did in their hearts, I couldn’t help saying that you are lucky you can be vocal and so articulate about what you wrote. A lot of things still remain unsaid, don’t they? Indian Coffee House- a place where a lot of hearts unite and break within a span of no time. ‘Love’s labour lost’- what do you think? And just before I finish (sorry, I should have have used a separate paragraph, but apologies! the ENTER key on my lappy has surrendered), I would like to say, your words made me reflect on my past … days I felt the same and the final moment that passed without a goodbye….

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  2. Debarati, that’s the only thing that makes me who I am. Otherwise I am very ordinary, but the one thing I got is this ability to express my heart’s deepest feelings and share it without inhibitions with the world. And the good thing about that is women feel inspired. By these writing, I challenge the public-private divide in my own way. It is important to blur this line, because it keeps the women stories behind closed doors. Makes us invisible.

    You are right, a lot remain unsaid. I would write them in more coherent ways in a book.

    Thanks for your comment.

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  3. On your question, why I named it ‘Matter’ I can’t explain. The word just came to my mind. Matter, substance of which the universe is made of. What if at one point you feel there is no more matter left in you, your life, your existence. You feel you are empty, hollow. It was from these kinds of thoughts that I named it such.

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  4. Satisfied by your response to my question. Well, I try to pen down my thoughts once in a while, most of which wither away with time and get soiled.. I have a personal blog, if you have time you can pay a visit and leave comments. Much of my writings are veilied, less explicit, that’s how I prefer them to be…

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