My MA exams got over on 17th June, since then I have been just lazing around at home doing nothing. I cook, eat, watch TV/Films, read, write. But these are not doing anything are they? I don’t have a job, I don’t earn anything so I don’t do anything.
Dad went to Dehradun to be with my sister a day after my exam was over. He came back this Sunday, 3rd July. So basically, I was home alone for two full weeks. Every time this happens I plan to party hard, wild and naughty but I am all talk and no action. I called none and no one called me. My best friend and another friend was also traveling. A week later our maid went to her village to get her daughter temporarily married off. Around the same time my cell phone died and the laptop’s key board and cooling fan went bonkers.
I was forced to go off line, off people. A self imposed solitary confinement. I had my books, bought a few new ones (I would have taken a photo of the new books and posted here but my smart phone is resting in peace), films, and Hugh Laurie…House, Jeeves and Wooster, Bit of Fry and Laurie…I just keep moving from one marathon to another.
At one point those days I felt like asking Simon and Garfunkel what happened to the Rock? Just how long did the rock manage to survive with books and poetry inside its fortress without love and friendship? I mean you know, they wrote that song in 1965 which surely must have been based upon how they felt back then, but can anybody really survive like a rock or an island? Did anybody?
This song is my anthem. They wrote everything I feel and there’s nothing more to be said about my life. Rock is exactly how I feel.
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
Except, this rock needs to make a living. So its time to crawl out of my comfortable fortress and go out their and do something. Quitting a full time 9 to 5 job was sexy but I have been struggling since then to find someone who would pay me to do the things I like to do. Travel, photograph and write. I don’t need anybody to tell me how immensely talented I am in these three things and how much my writing and photography influences and impacts people. Yet, what is it that I am missing I don’t know.
On that note, remember what Paulo Coelho said, If you want something deeply enough, the whole universe conspires to get it for you. Yeah right, this is one of the biggest bull crap he wrote. Nobody gives a damn about what you fucking want. Your wants are your bloody problem. If you want something deeply enough, go and get it. Snatch, borrow, steal – do something to get it. But since these are probably illegal, so wait for it. Wait for the right time, opportunity. If you still can’t get it, let it go at some point. Some people wait forever for something which is also fine, but please, do not delude yourself into thinking universe is conspiring to help you. And lastly, do not pray or hope. Both are bull crap.
So what I want deeply is to do a lot of travel and photography. Over the next few months I have plans to do a photo documentary on Women Leaders of Community Radio in India, a trip to Nepal to collect some stories, some more SWBT travels. These are self funded work and they won’t get me any money immediately but let’s see how far I can survive on my savings. After that, I would be like that surfing board which gave up on its dream and took up a day job as an ironing board.
Going to Mumbai next week on Monday, doing a Flickr Photo Walk this Saturday, and what next?