How Are You Holding Up?

27th July
So ever since it happened that SVD my best friend sorry ex-best friend called our friendship off I have been trying to make sense of what happened. I am going back in time trying to reconstruct the month of July to find out where did I go wrong, what did I do? We usually communicate over a group chat but I have been silent on this chat since 11th July, the day I left for Mumbai. On 13th, 15th, 18th July she said things that didn’t make any sense to me except that she has suddenly taken a grave dislike for me. I didn’t know what to say or do so just kept quiet and went into my shell. I do that from time to time (In 2012, when I was having a fall out with another bunch of friends of 20 years I held my silence like a stone while they went bitching about me with the whole group).

Last night I reached out to her husband (my second best friend, ex second best friend) over email to tell them that I am not going anywhere, whenever they are ready to take me back in their life I will be ready. There will be no grudge, no anger, no hurt or awkwardness from my side. In response he told me that it is rather puzzling to see me assuming various things since S has never been mad at me at all. Apparently nothing happened at all.

Right, but there isn’t much space for assumption when the actions are so obvious and drastic. On 25th July she officially ended it by sending abusive message, F word following by unfriending me on FB. If she was not already mad at me from before, what triggered such violent action? Of course there is reason mentioned by her but that cannot be the only reason or the real reason to end it with your friend of 30 years, or is it? Is it?

Why didn’t she once think of reaching out to me asking me why I am being silent for so long? Why didn’t she consider giving me any benefit of doubt? I have not been combative, surely she could have once asked me why are you not fighting? Because obviously, she was already pissed at something else and the 25th July reason was the final nail on the coffin. What is this mysterious original reason I don’t know and I will never know. It is not even important to be honest because people always have their own good reasons to act the way they do. I am sure I must have done something to piss her off but trying to analyze that is pointless after its over.

A lot of our common friends reached out to me to ask, “How are you holding up?” I have not spoken to anybody for a month now, while they have kept in touch with each other.  I have gone into my shell as I do from time to time. Usually nobody cares, but these are true friends for a decade, so they are trying to stop me from drifting away. After all they are all pained at the end of this friendship, it changes the group dynamics. They are trying their best to avoid a situation where they will have to chose one of us because two of us cannot be in the same group anymore. Like you know, what happens when you go through a bitter divorce.

Tring Tring! Tring Tring! Wake up call. 

None of that happened. Nobody reached out to me. For almost 20 days now all of them have abstained from communicating or interacting with me in anyway. No FB Likes or comments, nothing on messenger (I am myself silent on messenger), no call, no SMS, no email. Nothing. Zilch communication like I do not exist in this world. But they continue to interact with each other as a group, as I see from FB updates. Only I am out of the circle.

I wish I could understand this human psychology. I am asking the public instead of the friends because well, asking them would be pointless. I am sure they have their reasons but I would only understand that reason when it would be explained by a third party. 10 years ago, similar bafflement was the reason I started this blog. I couldn’t make sense of the things going on in my life and wanted to discuss them with the public, in case people’s collective intelligence have some rational explanations.

I still haven’t found that explanation.


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