I Will Not Be Lost In Your Narrative

14th September

My life’s journey is a research paper. On this life I document how relationships fail, friendships fail, how  we build expectations and meet disappointments, what are life’s big mistake. Everything I feel and learn, I write. I write them on Facebook and this blog. SVD perhaps have been keeping an eye on all this. Initially she blocked me so she was not supposed to see my updates but today she came on my page and objected to the fact that I had put up her family’s photo on my featured photo section.

It was photo of us taken on the day I went over to their place to celebrate Arvind Kejriwal’s return to power with a cake. We did silly things like that. She even made a cocktail which wore Kejriwal’s signature muffler. Her daughter M cut the cake and we clapped and then took a group selfie. I had put up that photo with the caption “The family I never had, stands here as a reminder  of life’s great loss that take away more than even death could ever take.” Below the photo she wrote a few lines, telling me to remove the photo because her entire family is there and that I was never a family, I continued to force myself upon them and still doing so.

I guess by ‘still doing so’ what she meant was that even after the break up I continue write about her on the blog and Facebook.

Why do people stoop so low? That underage child you talk about, I live tweeted her birth sitting outside the labour room, broadcasting for the whole world. You wanted to frame those tweets and they still stand on my blog. How would you undo them? Is this really at all about children’s photo or privacy? Or it just makes you extremely uncomfortable?

People want all the comforts in the world. There will be 10 years of friendship, then there will be a stupid break up but life will go on like a cool breeze, not a feather will be ruffled. Too bad, I am going to talk about us. I will remember my wounds and scars every single day of my life, and everybody who will ever come in contact with me will know about it. You will not erase 10 years of my life from my own memory. There will be FB updates, blog posts, books, movies. History would talk about us for generations to come. You wish to live in denial of what we had and what we lost, “never a family” so to speak, so you’d rather, I simply disappeared from time and space. But I am a writer, a popular one at that. I remain. My feelings remain. Nothing gets lost.

She will create a different narrative of our lives to tell the world. But I will not let myself be lost in her narrative. I would not let myself be a passing reference. I will write my own narrative. My story.

28th September  

I am remembering Adu’s birth two years back. 28th Sep 2014, around 10.30 at night she called me to ask if I can stay the night at her place to baby sit the dogs, her daughter and their maid as she had to leave for the hospital with her parents and VD was traveling. She didn’t have labour pain yet, but they said she should get admitted so it was a last minute thing and she couldn’t arrange any other alternative. So I reached her place around 11 pm, I carried my camera with me, it was a moment I wanted to capture forever, the second SVD baby on the way. Before she left I took a few maternity photo of her with daughter, the dogs, and parents. She told me this time VD didn’t get time to do her maternity shoot, and had it not been for me, she wont be having any good photo of carrying Adu. Adu was born next day, 29th September.

14th July 2016 she suddenly told me to remove her daughter’s photo from my website and said next time I should take her permission. I removed quietly but she continued saying hurtful things even after. Last week, she again said that I was never a part of her family and I forced myself upon her for all my life, and the reason I continue to talk about her on my FB is because I am jobless and purposeless so I am obsessed with her and her family.

So this is her narrative. After our school and college days, I occasionally kept in touch with all my friends. I called them now and then, visited their home. Mostly on an impulse. On 31st December 2005 on one such impulse I decided to catch up with a few friends, she was one of them. I met her we hung out together. In Jan 2006 she confided in me that she was going through a bad time in her marriage. There was abuse.

I was working with an organization in Vasant Vihar, I immediately told my boss that I needed to go out as a friend needs to talk to me urgently. That was the day our friendship was revived and the next phase of ten years started. From that day to July 2016, we stayed together through thick and thin. I helped her through legal process. I brought her within my fold of Bloggers circle, she called me over when there was an opening in Bangalore in her workplace and the rest is history.

History that she wants to rewrite. As per her-story all of this was a result of my forcing myself on her family because I am jobless and purposeless and obsessed with her.

I totally understand every human’s need to justify their actions in their own eyes. That is why they build their own story. So why am I still talking about her? Why can’t I ignore her and move on? Because this is my life narrative. I will write my story here.

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