The first time I tried using Tinder it gave me a headache. I felt like I got Aboulia, the mental disorder that makes you unable to take decisions. I was endlessly looking at the screen thinking whether to swipe left or right, I didn’t know how to decide. I uninstalled the app within 15 mins, because it was extremely shallow. Last week I reinstalled the App raising a toast to the shallowness. Let’s be shallow then.
Here’s a list of mean, shallow reasons to judge men and swipe them left (reject) on Tinder:
- Pose with a car – you are a moron.
- Pose with a bike – still a moron.
- Pose with gym equipment flexing muscle – you are a hyper masculine moron.
- Pose at swimming pool in underwear – you are a pot bellied moron who thinks photo of a swimming pool means you are rich and hence girls would be impressed.
- Pose with Goggles that looks like RayBan but are not real RayBan, rather Chinese counterfeits – you are a cheap moron.
- Pose with real RayBan but in a night or evening backdrop – you are a blind moron? No disrespect to the visually impaired.
- Pose with beer can/glass/blah – you are trying to be a hyper masculine stud but I suspect you are a drunk dysfunctional moron. Dysfunction with your tool by too much drinking I mean.
- Pose for selfie inside your car, in front of the steering wheel – You are a dead moron, you soon will be I fear.
- Pose in front of some foreign location – you work in the IT, you went for some training, and that was your maiden foreign trip which you are trying to flaunt. And you are a moron.
- Pose in front of the Taj Mahal – You are a moron who thinks trip to Agra makes you a traveler.
- Pose in front of Taj Mahal and try to make it look like you are touching the tip of Taj Mahal – O.M.F.G you are a dead beat 60s moron.
- Pose in front of Pangaong Lake or Khardung La Pass with your bike – You are a biking moron who thinks his maiden biking expedition to Ladakh makes him a stud (Go back to item number 2).
- Pose with some religions Guru (or photo their of) – you are a weak, coward moron.
- Pose with photo of Asaram Bapu – you are a weak, coward, pervert moron. Might be a criminal too.
- Pose with Modi’s photo, National Flag, Bharat Mata or Army Tank – you are a xenophobic, Muslim hating, riot loving, Sanghi moron.
That’s about the photos, which is the primary criteria to Like / Dislike someone on Tinder. Rarely do they write anything on their profile. If they do, and if I read, here is how it goes.
- I am a happy go lucky guy – you must be a dinosaur, because that phrase was last used in that age
- I am an oxymoron, aggressively calm and calmly aggressive Lol. – Please get rid of the Ox, you are more like a MORON. Also Foxy Moron.
- I am married, not here for hook ups and ONS, just friends – you are a sexually frustrated moron, your wife makes you sleep in the couch and you will fuck anything that moves
- I like to read and travel, here to find friends and live life to the fullest – You have no friends in real life
- Owner, Business – You are uneducated
- Owner, Business, real estate – You are political corrupt and goonda type
- I am sapiosexual, I like good conversations to stimulate the mind, I like Tarantino movies – Sapiosexual? More like pseudo-sexual.
- I have a big cock – You are a hooker
- I am a DJ – You love Honey Singh
- I love to cook – You think women love men who cook. We don’t. Not me at least.
So when gets a right swipe really? Who passes the shallow test of two lines, and a photo?
- Pose against a non descript background (not inside a bathroom), look at the camera and smile as if you have absolutely nothing to hide.
- Pose with your dog
- Pose with a book
- Pose in front of some art gallery or film festival
- Pose in a simple Khadi Kurta and jeans, or T-shirt and jeans. Avoid formals on a dating site display pic
- Keep things simple, sweet, sober. Nothing loud.
- Don’t try to be a stud, don’t try to be cool, don’t try to be smart, don’t try to be anything at all. Just be effortless. Be effortlessly yourself.
- Don’t try to impress