The first time I tried using Tinder it gave me a headache. It felt like I got Aboulia, the psychological disorder that makes you unable to take decisions. I was endlessly looking at the screen thinking whether to swipe left or right, not able to decide. How can you decide just based upon a photo? Sure there are few lines of profile description but that still is not enough to decide upon the fate of a man as your potential date. Is it?

I found Tinder is extremely shallow and daunting. A never ending question – left or right to date or not to date – staring at your face urging you to take a decision. Well, where the hell is the “I will decide later’ option dear Tinder? You see my two big life goals are ‘indecisiveness’ and ‘procrastination’, Tinder for me was a very stressful because it urged me to take a decision at exactly that given point in time. I uninstalled it within 15-20 mins.

But I am single at 40. A woman gotta have a date. So last week I reinstalled the App raising a toast to the shallowness.

Here’s a list of mean, shallow reasons to judge men upon their profile photos and swipe them left (reject) on Tinder:

  • Pose with a car – you are a moron.
  • Pose with a bike – still a moron.
  • Pose with gym equipment flexing muscle – you are a hyper masculine moron.
  • Pose at swimming pool in underwear – you are a pot bellied moron who thinks photo of a swimming pool means you are rich and hence girls would be impressed.
  • Pose with Goggles that looks like RayBan but are not real RayBan, rather Chinese counterfeits – you are a cheap moron.
  • Pose with real RayBan but in a night or evening backdrop – you are a blind moron? No disrespect to the visually impaired.
  • Pose with beer can/glass/blah – you are trying to be a hyper masculine stud but I suspect you are a drunk dysfunctional moron. Dysfunction with your tool by too much drinking I mean.
  • Pose for selfie inside your car, in front of the steering wheel – You are a dead moron, you soon will be I fear.
  • Pose in front of some foreign location – you work in the IT, you went for some training, and that was your maiden foreign trip which you are trying to flaunt.  And you are a moron.
  • Pose in front of the Taj Mahal – You are a moron who thinks trip to Agra makes you a traveler.
  • Pose in front of Taj Mahal and try to make it look like you are touching the tip of Taj Mahal – O.M.F.G you are a dead beat 60s moron.
  • Pose in front of Pangaong Lake or Khardung La Pass with your bike – You are a biking moron who thinks his maiden biking expedition to Ladakh makes him a stud (Go back to item number 2).
  • Pose with some religions Guru (or photo their of)  – you are a weak, coward moron.
  • Pose with photo of Asaram Bapu – you are a weak, coward, pervert moron. Might be a criminal too.
  • Pose with Modi’s photo, National Flag, Bharat Mata or Army Tank – you are a xenophobic, Muslim hating, riot loving, Sanghi moron.

That’s about the photos, which is the primary criteria to Like / Dislike someone on Tinder. Rarely do they write anything on their profile. If they do, and if I read, here is how it goes.

  • I am a happy go lucky guy – you must be a dinosaur, because that phrase was last used in that age
  • I am an oxymoron, aggressively calm and calmly aggressive Lol. – Please get rid of the Ox, you are more like a MORON. Also Foxy Moron.
  • I am married, not here for hook ups and ONS, just friends – you are a sexually frustrated moron, your wife makes you sleep in the couch and you will fuck anything that moves
  • I like to read and travel, here to find friends and live life to the fullest – You have no friends in real life
  • Owner, Business – You are uneducated
  • Owner, Business, real estate – You are political corrupt and goonda type
  • I am sapiosexual, I like good conversations to stimulate the mind, I like Tarantino movies – Sapiosexual? More like pseudo-sexual.
  • I have a big cock – You are a hooker
  • I am a DJ – You love Honey Singh
  • I love to cook – You think women love men who cook. We don’t. Not me at least.

So when gets a right swipe really? Who passes the shallow test of  two lines, and a photo?

  • Pose against a non descript background (not inside a bathroom), look at the camera and smile as if you have absolutely nothing to hide.
  • Pose with your dog
  • Pose with a book
  • Pose in front of some art gallery or film festival
  • Pose in a simple Khadi Kurta and jeans, or T-shirt and jeans. Avoid formals on a dating site display pic
  • Keep things simple, sweet, sober. Nothing loud.
  • Don’t try to be a stud, don’t try to be cool, don’t try to be smart, don’t try to be anything at all. Just be effortless. Be effortlessly yourself.
  • Don’t try to impress