She just wanted me to focus on what I am good at, my creative and intellectual pursuits. I have never been good with 9-5 jobs and mother knew it. She never wanted me to go back to it. Soon after she was admitted the doctor told us that its her last stage and she will need home nursing. I started looking for jobs because home nursing was going to be a very costly journey. But she just left us way ahead of all that and now I am free to pursue the things she wanted me to pursue. That’s what I would do ma. Will get admission for Phd and carry on with writing work.
My mother suffered all her life in the heat but never slept an entire night in a fully AC room. She has written about feeling too hot in summers. And today I am enjoying the AC in her room. I am tired of crying, my tears are dried up but I want to keep morning for her. We make many stories to console ourselves, she has become an angel, she is now pain free, she has got moksha mukti and shit like that. Truth is her life was cruelly cut short by a deadly disease which was only diagnosed at the very last stage. Spiritual consolations sound stupid to me when I know that she wanted to live at least for a while. One month, she left in one month. This was just not fair.
This house will forever haunt me because it is at the root of so many misunderstandings between me and mom. To begin with she never wanted to leave the rented accommodation in Dwarka and move into this house which was her own house. Several times I had told her, “Ma why don’t you have any vision of 15-20 years ahead? What do you plan? Do you plan to live here all your life? Is that possible?” She used to always reply, “I don’t know, I will go and live in whatever condition wherever God will keep me. God has always given me big houses, whatever God will plan, that would happen.”
In the end, she really did live all her life in that rented house. We moved from Dwarka to Mahavir Enclave on 24th Feb. She was admitted in the hospital on 17th March and left us on 17th April. What a story ma. The stuff Greek tragedies are made of.
The other recurring conversation with ma around this house was when I would ask her to invest some amount in renovating the house and give it to me. I would always tell her, “I did’t marry, so please spend that money on renovating the house, buy new stuff and let me live in this house alone while you guys continue to stay in Dwarka. I will pay you rent.”
She helped me renovate and move in. But after moving in, I imposed so many restrictions on her in how things would be arranged in this house. I would several times tell her that she should now take a back seat in running this house. I said, “you arrange things in your bed room as per your choice but my room and rest of the house I would arrange, you don’t interfere.” I took away her rights as the woman of this home; I tried to take her place. And when we clashed on various things I would yell and say, “No, it’s getting impossible for me to stay in this house with you. I cannot live under the same roof with you”.
She decided not to stay with me under the same roof, not to interfere in running this house. How would I live with this ma? Why did you took such a drastic action? Why didn’t you stay for Rosa, for sister, for dad? Why did they lose you for the mistakes I made?
I know human beings do not cause cancer. Heartache and fights do not cause cancer. But if there is any such thing as the power of subconscious then I have caused my mother’s death. I caused it by desperately wanting to move away from her, by not wanting to give her full rights in the new home, by forcing her to move from the flat which was her home after dad’s retirement. She was settled there, but I uprooted her.
But there is just one thing that I cannot understand. If the subconscious is so powerful then why its powers didn’t work when I desperately tried to save her by taking her to the best hospitals and doctors? Why the bad happened because of my negetive energy but not the good?