26 June 2020

Back in 2012 I met with a heart break and wrote this unsent letter which I called ‘Matter’. Matter of which the universe is made of, what if at one point you feel there is no more matter left in you, your life, your existence, your heart feels empty and hollow. Amusingly, I didn’t know but I had enough matter left in me for I fell in love again. And once again I told him, once again he didn’t feel the same way about me, once again I wanted to give my everything to him, but he didn’t want any of it.

“Tell us something new,” I hear my readers say. Lol. Well readers, I do have a new story to tell. The doppelganger of my love stories. Girl meets boy, falls in love, expresses, gets rejected, repeat. And who knows, maybe I will fall in love again, at 50 :)

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23rd July 2012

Nothing helps more than writing about my messed up life. The only way I can process my emotions and feelings is by writing them here on this blog. So what happened today.

Just what I was always afraid of, my worst fears came up to me laughing and dancing in front of my eyes, making ugly scary faces at me. “What were you thinking, you fool?” they said. I feared this day would come and I did my best to avoid it, but I couldn’t. And when it came, I couldn’t express any of the emotions I felt, from anger to pain to melancholy.  I couldn’t say the last few things I wanted to say, couldn’t do it my way. Right in front of my eyes, a whole damn world collapsed and I just stood there.

Ironically, when my world was collapsing I was with 4 other people drinking, smoking, laughing and simultaneously fighting my fears alone inside. Those people would never know what happened that night, unless they read this blog post, including that man who made my worst fears alive, again. The man who lay next to me after the party was over even as I said the forever unsaid in my heart with my eyes closed pretending to sleep.

Now as I stand over the pieces of yet another broken, what appears to be dream, I share with my blog what remained unsaid:

This day had to come alright, no shit about that. It was you who found me. “My find of 2011” you once called me. And I knew like a restless child you’d lose me one day. You live your life in frames and the frames in which I was had to change sooner or later.

It’s just that, I bloody needed a closure.

It has never been a secret that I loved you from the moment I first saw you. But that was not your problem you said, because you left no stone un-turned to make it clear to me that you never felt the same way. Forget ‘same‘, you never ‘felt‘ for me. At least that’s what you always claimed.

But a woman’s heart is not stupid. A woman knows when and what does a man feel for her. My heart told me there was something, what exactly I didn’t know, but something. In the last few months my heart also told me whatever it was, was now gone. I just needed to bring an official closure to whatever that was there that no longer existed.

I don’t like it when people drift and that’s exactly what you did. Didn’t I always say this drift is my worst fear? People leaving me without a goodbye. Drift like I never existed, making me realize that I am so dispensable, so insignificant, so inconsequential. I can’t explain how painful this realization is. It happened again.

A goodbye should have happened a year ago. I should have never come this far with you. You remember last year, around same time, one fine morning when it was windy and rainy we sat on the roof of India Coffee House for hours arguing about whether to bring a closure or not? You convinced me against it. You came up with reasons why there should be no closure. Why invisible strings always keep us attached.

That day and thereafter I tried a few more times to bring a closure, a formal break up from a relationship we never had. But I admit I wasn’t strong enough. I didn’t have the strength to deliberately let go of your time, company and affection.

These are now gone anyway.

In the last couple of weeks, there have been SMSes, FB Wall posts, Emails, Phone calls from my side, some of which were casual, some emotional, some informative. All of them remained unanswered and un-returned. Nothing that I said or wrote was able to get a single word in response or acknowledgement from you. That’s you in a different frame, pre-occupied with things more fresh and interesting, perhaps your ‘find of 2012’. A state of your being where you don’t even realize what you are letting go.

From my side, all that was now left to be done was a cup of coffee, a close hug and a long goodbye. I just had to come back from my travels, meet you once and get this done.

But I couldn’t. Because you are leaving you don’t know when would you be back, and you don’t have the time to meet me ‘alone‘ before you leave.

This is it, an end before I could get that final moment, of my time, my space and my good bye.

This is it, an end before I could get that final moment, of my time, my space and my good bye. #Blog #SanjuktaBasu #ThisIsMyTruth #HeartSpeak

It is not the first time you are going away like this, but I had this faith that the day you return there would be an “I am back, meet soon” call or text on my phone. But now that faith is gone because that’s what girlfriends are for, right? And now you got one, girlfriend.

Friends are people with whom you share the insignificant details of your boring life, acquaintances are them with who you share the milestones. Somewhere in between, when you add sex to it, you get a lover.

I need a friend, or a lover. An acquaintance is not what I need.

So, although I couldn’t say it face to face, here it is, my long goodbye. In my heart I close that window which opened up to you. In rather non poetic words, you would no longer hear from me via any medium whatsoever.

I fell in love with you, because you gave love. In your defense you would say, “It is not you, I give the same love to everybody.” And in defense of my stupid love, I’d say, you are like the Sun which shines for all. I fell in love with the sun and burnt my heart.