A 63 year old patient with severe fluid in both lungs, rapidly decreasing oxygen saturation (90 to 85 to 81 percent within few hours) and increasing breathing trouble was not given any treatment at Max Hospital Emergency, simply because they had no room to admit her. “Take her to another hospital” said the Max Hospital Emergency doctor and person in-charge of admitting. My mother’s both lungs were filled with fluids. She wasn’t able to breath. Our ordinary understanding is that the fluids from her lungs needed to be drained out. We had with us two X-ray reports which clearly showed … Continue reading “Take Her To Another Hospital” Max Hospital Emergency Didn’t Give Treatment Because No Room To Admit Patient
19th February I cannot live alone. I tried but I can’t. I need someone to talk to at end of the day. But I also cannot live with people. I end up making everyone close to me hate me. I don’t know what to do. If after every fuck up everybody tries to convince you it’s all your fault, what should you do with yourself? What should you do if you saw this pattern – that from childhood to date, from school friends to family, if it’s always you vs. everyone else, what does that tell about you? 8th March … Continue reading My Relationship With My Family Is Broken Beyond Repair
A very eventful satisfying day. Volunteering for Aam Aadmi Party, I turn a professional journalist with a mic in hand. On occasion of Women’s Day, we are making a series short videos featuring AAP’s women candidates for upcoming MCD elections. AAP has around 100 women candidates, senior leader Richa Pandey told me that the party is serious about supporting and encouraging more and more women’s political participation. On my way back I booked an OLA Share cab. Interesting conversations and meetings ensued. For the period when I was the only passenger in the cab I struck a conversation with my … Continue reading A Dead Soul Comes Home After An Eventful Day
There is a thing in Bengali, ‘Biyer Khaat’ meaning wedding bed. Usually, how it works is when a girl gets married, it is customary for her parents to provide the matrimonial bed, bedding, dressing table, almirah as gifts/dowry and in … Continue reading Biyer Khaat, The Wedding Bed For A Feminist
Why I insist, vehemently insist, that the men I date, friends I hang out with, and my sister, why I insist that these people must, if they care about me, follow my Facebook updates? Facebook is superficial they say, Facebook makes you narcissistic. Real relationship don’t need facebook. Why Facebook, grow up they say. I will explain why. I am a sum total of 40 years of unusual experiences. I have stored in my heart stories full of funny interesting sad poignant people and events which I carry with myself at all times. My feelings today are shaped by my … Continue reading Why You Must Follow Me On Facebook
Follow up to this: Waiting For A Call From TISS, Mumbai They called me for the written test which is on 10th Feb at Mumbai, so I will be going just for the day. The test is called a Research Aptitude Test. 10 out of 80 people would be taken in the course I have applied for, so it is going to be tough. But there isn’t much that you can study or mug up because it is really about an aptitude, that has to be part of your higher education days, not something you can suddenly develop. So I am … Continue reading Update On House Painting, Call From TISS
Important learning, if you are painting your home and want to highlight one of the wall with Asian Paints Royale texture, get it done by the company artists directly. The thekedar won’t be able to do the texture properly. I am very sad with what happened to our wall. For one year I have visualized the colour of our house, I wanted the featured wall in Madder Red, Asian Paint’s colour of the year 2016 and other 3 walls in Yellow Charm. This is part of their Rekindle collection, also a 2016 collection. I love minimalist design, and bold solid … Continue reading Painting Our House: Important Learning
“To live longer than forty years is bad manners, is vulgar, immoral. Who does live beyond forty? I will tell you who do: fools and worthless fellows.” ~Fyodor Dostoevsky, Notes From The Underground So, I have now celebrated my 40th … Continue reading How I Celebrated My 40th Birthday
It has been over 2 years our tiny Mahavir Enclave (ME) house is lying vacant. My father retired from Central Government in 2005, after a service of 40 years. To everybody’s contempt, for which he has to always face all kinds of taunts and accusations and reprimands, at the time of retirement he failed to secure enough savings to buy a 3 bed room apartment anywhere in Delhi. I don’t know what we deserved, but we surely needed at least a 1200 sq feet 3 bed room apartment in a multi-storied complex with 24 hours water, lifts, power backup, gyms … Continue reading Ghar Bana Liya Basu ji?
Writing this in lightening speed. Gotta keep my followers updated on what’s happening in life even though my hands are too full for blogging. For the last 3 days all I am doing is lying under my favourite Portico sheets … Continue reading Hugh Laurie is Getting A Star I Am Not Invited and Other Stories
14th September My life’s journey is a research paper. On this life I document how relationships fail, friendships fail, how we build expectations and meet disappointments, what are life’s big mistake. Everything I feel and learn, I write. I write them on Facebook and this blog. SVD perhaps have been keeping an eye on all this. Initially she blocked me so she was not supposed to see my updates but today she came on my page and objected to the fact that I had put up her family’s photo on my featured photo section. It was photo of us taken on the … Continue reading I Will Not Be Lost In Your Narrative
You might want to read this first to get the context of the words below. 24th Aug I saw a meme on Facebook which was about how to respond to a sad person. I went though the series of images which explained that you should respond with care, hug and comfort. And I couldn’t help comparing how my friends, SVD in particular responded to my recent bouts of depressive rant on Facebook group messenger, the place where this whole break up played out and ended. These sort of memes are double edged sword. They set such high standard of care … Continue reading How to care for Sad Person?
27th July So ever since it happened that SVD my best friend sorry ex-best friend called our friendship off I have been trying to make sense of what happened. I am going back in time trying to reconstruct the month of July to find out where did I go wrong, what did I do? We usually communicate over a group chat but I have been silent on this chat since 11th July, the day I left for Mumbai. On 13th, 15th, 18th July she said things that didn’t make any sense to me except that she has suddenly taken a grave dislike … Continue reading How Are You Holding Up?
Update: 12th October 2016 I continue to update this blog with any development on this chapter of my life, this breakup. On Facebook I maintain the continuity by making updates tagged with #SVDAndI it is a spin off on the British satirical film Withnail and I. On this blog, follow the category SVDAndI for all related stories. Update: 20-Aug-2016 This is the story of my break up with a friend I had for almost 30 year. The lines (below) written on 26th July was the first reaction I had to this breakup. At that time I was still thinking this is a fight and … Continue reading The World As I Knew It Has Ended
My MA exams got over on 17th June, since then I have been just lazing around at home doing nothing. I cook, eat, watch TV/Films, read, write. But these are not doing anything are they? I don’t have a job, I don’t earn anything so I don’t do anything. Dad went to Dehradun to be with my sister a day after my exam was over. He came back this Sunday, 3rd July. So basically, I was home alone for two full weeks. Every time this happens I plan to party hard, wild and naughty but I am all talk and … Continue reading The Rock Crawling Out of The Slumber
Hello people. A confession, the staying off Facebook / Twitter didn’t really work. Social media platforms are no longer just places to share your thoughts but also to seek information and exchange ideas. This bit was missing when we first started blogging. Back then it was only about sharing. So that’s a learning from this experiment. But the sad part is that the news we are accessing on social media is like not even like .1% of the world. I looked up popular news website, NDTV, TOI, BBC, Guardian.co.UK and you know what i found? Everywhere there are only the same 3-4 … Continue reading The News Sucks And There’s a Femicide in Guatamela
How does a woman reconcile and negotiate her cultural identity with the gender identity where her culture is inherently oppressive to women. Continue reading Race, gender and nation: Case of Afghnistan
Alright whenever mom is not around I have a lot of issues with dad. This blog has already seen evidence of that. Since last night he’s given me 10 warnings that, “Tomorrow, early morning, I would go to Sarojini Nagar Market.” In this heat, he wants to venture out, go to Sarojini from Dwarka, changing two buses for some work he can easily do on a weekday after office hours, maybe by adjusting a few hours here and there. He would never taken an auto (three-wheeler). He has NEVER taken an auto or cab in his entire life for himself alone. Can anybody … Continue reading When Old People Don’t Know They Are Old And Are Stubborn
I will be writing this blog through the day, with each update I would send a Tweet and FB update. Continue reading Social Media Existential Crisis – Day 1 of Experiment
Facebook and social media in general is making me miserable. So I am doing an experiment to answer some existential crisis. Continue reading Acceptance Validation and Appreciation – 3 Things We Seek on Social Media
When watching a film is not about entertainment. I was staying with a bunch of young hippies who were playing guitar and singing songs early in the morning. I took a shower and went and sat next to them listening … Continue reading Surreal dream, pain and Darren Aronofsky’s Pi
10th Oct 2015
Last night the adda at SVD’s place was particularly fun, I cannot remember when was the last time I laughed so much. Perhaps it was the good Icelandic liquor and potent dope or a recently heart broken R who opened up a lot more than he usually does or a frustrated M who cannot make one coherent statement without cribbing about the lack of a man in her life or SVD who always asks these interesting questions for which you’d always give some ridiculous answer or all of the above. If there would have been a hidden camera somewhere in the room and somebody saw the recording of our conversation it would have made wonderful comedy. Continue reading “Love is not complicated people are”
I just came back from my SWBT (Single Woman Budget Traveler) trip to Manali, Leh and parts of Ladakh. I went impromptu, solo, on a budget, I traveled in state run public transport and shared cabs and stayed in low … Continue reading Life is back off track and I love it
“People move on, get hurt, come back and find me there still.” On reconnecting with a man who used to have a crush on me a decade ago. He still remembers the crush. Told him I was always just a text away. There is nothing worse than two lonely friends not connecting with each other. It just kills me when my single eligible bachelor friends come and tell me how lonely they are. I am like, dude, am I invisible or what? I am single eligible and available, why are we not dating? It was a day of re-connecting with friends, … Continue reading On reconnecting
The Singer sewing machine is a cultural symbol from a bygone era. Every woman or man has their own memory and story around the Singer machine. My mom’s story begins when at the age of 11 she lost her mother. The sound of her mother working on the singer sewing machine till late night, when the kids were asleep, was one of the strongest memories she had left behind for my mother to hold on to. Continue reading “The woman and her sewing machine – portrait of Indian middle class mother in 70s-80s”
Oye Lucky Lucky Oye that Abhay Deol starer film was one of my all-time favourite films. Not anymore for I met a Lucky in my real life.
It happened in broad day light at the Hauz Khas – IIT gate traffic signal, opposite to Essex Farm, amidst a heavy Monday evening traffic and right under the nose of 4 traffic cops posted at the signal.
I was on my way back to my residence in Dwarka after finishing a meeting at the Adchini area. If you know the map of that area you’d know that in order to go to Dwarka or Airport from Adchini which is on your left you have to drive till the signal opposite to Mother’s International School and take a U-turn so that landmarks like Essex Farm, Indian Oil petrol pump or Turcoise Cottage are now on your right. Straight ahead is Hauz Khas and on your left is the IIT gate, you take a free left turn for Dwarka / Airport from this point. Free left turn only if the traffic allows, sometimes it doesn’t. Continue reading “I met Lucky but I didn’t get lucky – Delhi’s Thak Thak Gang’s smooth criminals”
It’s 3 am. The sky outside is thundering and pouring. I can’t sleep. I find the night so much more interesting than day, that I don’t feel like sleeping over it. Right now, all is quiet. Am alone in my room, on my bed. This space is so secure, so comfortable, so completely mine. No intruders, no door bells, no phone calls. Nobody to see me or judge me or question me. I feel free of all inhibitions at nights.
23rd July 2012
I would never be able to explain it to anybody, including myself, how much it helps, writing a blog post at the most vulnerable times of my life. The only way I can ever express myself is by typing my heart out right here, away from every human eyes.
So what happened today?
Just what I was always afraid of, my worst fears came up to me laughing and dancing in front of my eyes, making ugly scary faces at me. I feared this day would come and did my best to avoid it, but I couldn’t. And when it came, I couldn’t express any of the emotions I felt, from anger to pain to melancholy. I couldn’t say the last few things I wanted to say, couldn’t do it my way. Right in front of my eyes, a whole damn world collapsed and I just stood there.
Update dt 3-Jun-2012 – This is a rant.
Its about 1.30 am, in exactly 12.5 hours I am required to present my Business Plan at our 10000 women program, in front of a special panel. My B-plan is not even 40% complete. And yet I am on this blog.
I am here because I desperately need to write, need to communicate and I just don’t have anybody to talk to.
Here in this campus I am staying with 13 other wonderful ladies, each one of them are amazing listeners and they give great responses and feedback to most conversations. I have been spending my days talking to them, laughing and cracking jokes every now and then.
But I cannot ‘talk’ to any of them.
Its that emotional intimacy issue. I can write my heart out on this computer, and as soon as I would hit the publish button it would be up for mass public viewing and that wouldn’t bother me but I cannot talk to the 13 people I have known, for last 3 months, staying in the next few rooms of this hostel. Weird! Continue reading “That emotional intimacy issue…”
The heart is so not where my dick is. If I were a man, I would have said that about my current situation. So change the ‘vital instrument’ to something more befitting my gender, you would get my point right. I don’t know what else to call this but love and I just feel so ridiculous and helpless about it. I mean what is one supposed to do with this stupid feeling. All said and done, this longing has no future, this is a doomed love. I so don’t want to be in it. I always had a lot of theories about love. “Love can’t happen … Continue reading The heart is not where the dick is
This blog is back in action with its original content, feelings and emotions from the bottom of my heart, bare truth for the world to read. I spent all of 2010 worrying over the fact that everybody who knew me in real life, all the friends, the family members, colleagues, read my blog too often and so I couldn’t share everything that I wanted to share without inhibitions. But of late I have started to notice that the readership of this blog is again impersonal, the audience is made up of faceless strangers like it was when I first started … Continue reading Alone and alive (Final Chapter of Book of Romance-Part 1)
Curiosity compels me to repeat certain actions adhering to the matters of heart over & over again, in spite of a closet full cats killed by, you guessed it, curiosity. Continue reading Thus Spake Me | XLX
That is on 23rd of Jan. It was also the birthday of Netaji Subhash, Bal Thackeray and Lord Denning. I simply cannot stop obsessing over the coincidence of my birth date matching with these men, a fierce freedom fighter, the original Indian Godfather and one of the most popular Jurist who worked so much for individual liberty. It wouldn’t be wrong to say that the mere coincidence of my birth date and my name has influenced me for most part of my life.
The greatest tragedy of my life is that my parents and my nearest and dearest family don’t understand what do I do in life, who am I. Since they don’t know, from there it follows, they are not proud of me, not particularly ashamed but not proud to the extent that when it comes to answering the question, “What does your daughter do?” they stutter and fumble with words, not sure of what to say as if I don’t do anything worth mentioning, only to finally say “she did her LLb”.
You know what they say about professionalism, that you cannot be personal.
The last few months, in fact the whole year I barely blogged, whatever I did write, like updates on my professional life, my new entrepreneurial venture, some of my interviews that got published on other blogs, none of these were really stuff that belonged to here. I mean shut up, this blog was about my personal stories straight from the heart. I have somewhere betrayed my blog because people kept telling me, “No you can’t keep writing about men” that just isn’t professional.
It has been a struggle for me to explain it to a lot of people in my life, exactly why did they give me a TED Fellowship. The answer is this blog and its unapologetic ‘personal’ content.
Personal is powerful. It has strengthen me and now I preach it, personal blogging.
It’s not often that we come across people who we have inspired. Recently, I found this blog post where the author have linked to one of my interview and wrote how reading me has inspired her to blog about the truth of her life. In her closing line she said,
Here’s hoping that we all find the courage to blog about our Truths.
I think I am really lucky that something I did was able to inspire others. Most people spend their whole life making it big in so many ways, career, relationships, wealth and yet mostly they fail to inspire others.
So here’s to coming back to the beginning. No more professional updates, no more political opinions, no more agendas, just plain old truth from my life, my bare soul the nakedness of which, I have been told, inspires and strengthens women. And that’s a feeling I cannot let go no matter how unprofessional I may appear.
Samyukta Media is alive and kicking, please visit website for more updates http://www.samyuktamedia.com So it has been about 3 months that I have quit and an update is much needed on how has life been without a job. Life has been … Continue reading Launch of Samyukta Media: My small step in a big world
“A 100 years from now, who are you to be, reading me with curiosity?” ~ Rabindra Nath Tagore
If I could paint I would make a painting. Four walls and me, leaning on a corner, screaming. Scream till I lose my voice. Just scream. On the final day, when all of this will be over, I will have so much to say, to so many people, but I will no longer be able to speak. All my thoughts will just make one big mass of noise, a scream.
Thoughts bubbling up, but nothing left to say. Yet I am here to say, say it out loud. This life I lived without love, is scared, to die without love. Life you better be interesting, else you be short. Life you are getting too heavy, find it hard to carry, how far to go? When is it going to be over? I can’t wait to see what happens in the end. Broken heart, will you mend? I know it is going to be a reckless journey, we will bury every hope and dream, we will only carry this body of mass, blood and greed. We will put this body up for garbs, for vultures and hyenas to hog, but in the end a 100 years from now, will we win life?
November 2009, Samode Palace, Rajasthan, ‘Breakthrough’ was having its strategic planning and retreat. In an interactive game the staff were asked to mention the date/month they joined Breakthrough and how has their journey been so far.
When it was my turn I said, “I joined Breakthrough one and half months back and if jobs were relationships I will have to say, I have seen many people, been in many relationships of all kinds, but with Breakthrough its like I met my dream man and for the first time I am in a committed relationship, I am here to stay in Breakthrough.”
But in life and in relationship nothing goes as per your plans. Barely 6 months down I have quit the job which I thought was my dream job. It typically feels like a breakup, so many plans, like dreams, are shattered, so many ideas couldn’t be executed. The momentum I gained with the social media part of the Bell Bajao campaign, the path I had taken the preparations that were underway – all came to a sudden end.
The news has reached the purple sea, child king has picked up the brush and is about make a new painting. Kaefen, the sea monkey carried the news to his favorite ‘smile maker the dream chaser’. “Girl, do you know, your … Continue reading Hope is the fool’s greatest dream, but is there another way?
2004 I had once fallen in love with a man who I never met. I was in my early 20s, Munish had just started distancing himself from me for reasons completely unknown to me. He behaved rudely with me in … Continue reading This is what hope does
You will know when you will meet your soul mate, you’ll just know. There’s no way you’ll be wondering, “Is this my soul mate?”
A soul mate is a part of you which you didn’t even know exist, which was lost but you didn’t realize until you found it. Like sometimes while moving your furniture during spring cleaning that old crayon or that scrap book emerges from some corner and you immediately remember how much you loved it and how you didn’t even realize you had lost it.
What do you do when you meet him/her, the soul mate? What will you do with that crayon? You’ll not let it go. Once you’ll meet your soul mate you’ll not want to be away for another moment. When Harry Met Sally, Harry said, “I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
Update: 17th May 2010 – I had earlier kept this post in private mode making it public today, because enough time has passed and that guy didn’t ask me for a second date and now I don’t think I am going to see him again.
This is a follow up to my previous post ‘The search the chase and the soulmate‘
Readers will remember I mentioned about meeting a person over twitter and talking to him via Gtalk. Well we chatted some more through last month on Google Talk and have finally decided to meet this weekend.
Usually the sequence of events is like this – you first meet over blogs and twitter, move on to gtalk, exchange phone numbers and then SMSs and then finally meet. Till this point it is very predictable, but what happens after the first date?
In my case mostly its nothing. I rarely move on to a second date. No body ever wants to spend more time with me or know me better or take care of me or love me. Sometimes some of the men I meet want to sleep with me but a quality relationship is never on their mind.
My dreams are getting Bizarre by the day. I dream every night, never have a sound sleep and usually wake up with a strange feeling. Sometimes I can remember them, sometimes I don’t, if they were too strong and bizarre I write them down. This was last night’s dream.
To set the context: I Went to bed at 5 after watching Changeling for the second time.
Sequence of the various scenes just as they appeared in my dream:
A typical scene from a natural disaster or unnatural forces film – I am standing along with many other people, the earth suddenly start shaking, I see buildings in front of me start moving, the shaking increases and we all began to scream and shout . I hear myself saying, Oh my God, Oh my God so many times and I had the fear of the earth coming to an end right here right now. I can’t remember where my family was; as the fear grew I woke up.
I slept off again and started the second part of the dream
Frequency of post on this blog has gone down so miserably because too many people are now reading it. It has always remained a personal blog where I used to write all my deepest feelings. But not any more. Now, recently I went out on a date. Like a proper date. The most obvious thing to do after that is to tell people via this blog, how it went, how I feel about the guy and how are things shaping. But I can’t do so cause he will read it. He is everywhere, on blog, twitter, facebook. This is exactly … Continue reading Information Overload
I don’t know if its a coincidence or not but I happen to write whenever it pours unexpectedly and beautifully in the National Capital. And these writings always come in mind while I am coming home from work. In 2005, I used to work in Nehru Place, I thought of this post while sitting in the auto. In 2006 I was stuck in a bus stop, unable to find any bus or auto to my home in Dwarka, the rain was so beautiful I took some impromptu photos. Today it rained again. I had just taken the car out of … Continue reading The search, the chase and the soulmate
This weekend it is my Birthday. Read my previous Birthday posts – 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006 10 am No body called at mid-night this year. Of all the friends only Snigdha called so far. She asked if I am feeling any wiser and any more prudent with another year added to life. Good question. Well I am certainly less freaky this year about people not calling me to wish. I mean I care less because I understand that people are busy. Most friends have got married, had babies and have complicated their lives. So ya may be I am wiser … Continue reading Birthday 2010 – Am I any wiser?
And just like that the year 2009 went by. Exactly the same way went ’07 and ’08 with the blink of an eye, leaving me behind with many exciting moments, many reasons to smile, many moments of pride and success, and some same old blank sheets, and that same old yet to realize dream.
I was not writing on this space for quite some time now. Quite a few drafts were lying unfinished in the drafts folder. First one was about my TED experiences, how I felt that men who do not take the tried and tested easy road, the one with a 9 to 5 job, wife and kids, end up studying about crocodiles and dragonflies and exploring the Himalayas and green deserts. While the women who don’t take the tried and tested road, the one with a mangalsutra and a kitchen, end up becoming feminists. Continue reading “Happy New Year, that dream is still there”
This morning we lost our dog Jango.
He was 11 and a half years old. He had never shown signs of old age until last Sunday when he refused to eat his meals.
This was the first time ever that he said no to any thing that was edible. He was the most hungry dog we’ve ever known. Naturally it worried us all. On Monday, my mom, dad and sister took him to the Vet. The Vet said, “he doesn’t have any ailment as such, just signs of old age, give him liquid food, he’ll be fine.”
But his conditioned worsened during the week. Meanwhile on Tuesday my sister and mom had to travel to Kolkata and other places which they wanted to cancel considering jango wasn’t well but the vet assured them that the situation wasn’t so serious. He also assured that I need not take a flight to Delhi immediately. He said he has enough time to live but of course he is getting old. So mom and sis went ahead with the travel plan leaving Dad to look after Jango. I am of course based out of a different city.
And here in Bangalore I came over to stay at Snigdha-Vinayak’s place for couple of days since the doctor said Snigdha might go into labour any time now. In case it happens in the night, Vince would drive there should be somebody to sit with her. The big news also came that their dogs Pondy and Alleppy are also gonna be parents, Alleppey is pregnant.