26th April I have said and done a lot of hurtful things to my mother for which I am repenting today, will repent forever. But so has everyone else. My father, my sister. Such is life, we fight, we make up, nobody is perfect. Sometimes we say sorry, sometimes we don’t speak for days and then cook something special for the person we hurt and move on. The thing I cannot tolerate anymore is my eight and half years younger sister assuming a morally superior position and trying to judge me in order to defend dad. This is a mistake, … Continue reading When a Pillar Falls The Building Crumbles, The Family Falls Apart
17th April 1.38 pm Exactly a month ago, on 17th March mother walked out of home for routine check up with symptoms no more than of common cold. This morning she went into ventilator. They say putting a stage 4 cancer patient, with no hopes for treatment, on ventilator is a bad idea. It would only increase pain and suffering. In the previous hospital every night the head of ICU would call and try to convince us not to give consent for ventilator. Once such critical patient goes into ventilator they never come back, said the doctor. But we gave … Continue reading She Died Within Few Hours of Going on Ventilator
15th April 2017 My mother wishes everybody a happy Bengali new year. She told me to put it up on her Facebook. Talk about patient – doctor trust and relationship, mother’s attending doctor didn’t even visit her today in his rounds. Didn’t even meet the family to tell us what kind of palliative care is required, what precautions we should take, how to ensure she doesn’t suffer pain. Nothing. He wanted us to leave, we are leaving, he couldn’t be any less bothered. Bengali new year didn’t bring any new hopes. We shifted mom to the new hospital yesterday but … Continue reading To Intubate or Not to Intubate?
14th/April Morning: 17th March to today, mom’s condition is worsening so rapidly, I didn’t know it’s possible for any disease to aggravate so quickly. We have no time at all. All her body functions and organs are in perfect condition but her lungs are giving up. Just giving up. Before Facebook, it was not so in your face evident that while your world is crumbling and crashing, rest of the world goes by just fine without batting an eyelid. Our sorrows are our alone. 11.30pm After my morning update regarding mom’s condition, people got very worried. Some called and messaged … Continue reading Her Lungs Are Giving Up But She Won’t, She Will Survive
11th April 2017 Cancer is a disease. Chemo is a treatment. Quality time with family is a utopia. We are at the juncture now where we have to decide whether to give chemotherapy to mother or not. The attending doctor advised us against it. She is in stage 4 cancer and he is of the opinion that chemotherapy won’t help her much. It would be high risk. He wasn’t clear what this ‘high risk’ means. He suggested we take her home, give home nursing, palliative care, spend quality time with her and wait. Wait for the cancer to spread and … Continue reading To Chemo Or Not To Chemo?
3rd April 2017 Cancer. Not a disease but a culture. A major story twist. The deadly misfortune has been part of the most tragic films and literature. Mostly it would be the male protagonist, he falls sick and doctors tell him, “You have last stage Cancer, only few days of your life are left” and then an dramatic scene follows. “Ab inhe dawa ki nahi dua ki zaroorat hai (She needs prayers now not medicine)” is a much clichéd dialogue from hindi films of yesteryears. In real life however, among friends and family such misfortune was rarely heard. With advancement … Continue reading Cancer The Misfortune That Fell On Us
A 63 year old patient with severe fluid in both lungs, rapidly decreasing oxygen saturation (90 to 85 to 81 percent within few hours) and increasing breathing trouble was not given any treatment at Max Hospital Emergency, simply because they had no room to admit her. “Take her to another hospital” said the Max Hospital Emergency doctor and person in-charge of admitting. My mother’s both lungs were filled with fluids. She wasn’t able to breath. Our ordinary understanding is that the fluids from her lungs needed to be drained out. We had with us two X-ray reports which clearly showed … Continue reading “Take Her To Another Hospital” Max Hospital Emergency Didn’t Give Treatment Because No Room To Admit Patient
19th February I cannot live alone. I tried but I can’t. I need someone to talk to at end of the day. But I also cannot live with people. I end up making everyone close to me hate me. I don’t know what to do. If after every fuck up everybody tries to convince you it’s all your fault, what should you do with yourself? What should you do if you saw this pattern – that from childhood to date, from school friends to family, if it’s always you vs. everyone else, what does that tell about you? 8th March … Continue reading My Relationship With My Family Is Broken Beyond Repair
A very eventful satisfying day. Volunteering for Aam Aadmi Party, I turn a professional journalist with a mic in hand. On occasion of Women’s Day, we are making a series short videos featuring AAP’s women candidates for upcoming MCD elections. AAP has around 100 women candidates, senior leader Richa Pandey told me that the party is serious about supporting and encouraging more and more women’s political participation. On my way back I booked an OLA Share cab. Interesting conversations and meetings ensued. For the period when I was the only passenger in the cab I struck a conversation with my … Continue reading A Dead Soul Comes Home After An Eventful Day
There is a thing in Bengali, ‘Biyer Khaat’ meaning wedding bed. Usually, how it works is when a girl gets married, it is customary for her parents to provide the matrimonial bed, bedding, dressing table, almirah as gifts/dowry and in … Continue reading Biyer Khaat, The Wedding Bed For A Feminist
Why I insist, vehemently insist, that the men I date, friends I hang out with, and my sister, why I insist that these people must, if they care about me, follow my Facebook updates? Facebook is superficial they say, Facebook makes you narcissistic. Real relationship don’t need facebook. Why Facebook, grow up they say. I will explain why. I am a sum total of 40 years of unusual experiences. I have stored in my heart stories full of funny interesting sad poignant people and events which I carry with myself at all times. My feelings today are shaped by my … Continue reading Why You Must Follow Me On Facebook
Follow up to this: Waiting For A Call From TISS, Mumbai They called me for the written test which is on 10th Feb at Mumbai, so I will be going just for the day. The test is called a Research Aptitude Test. 10 out of 80 people would be taken in the course I have applied for, so it is going to be tough. But there isn’t much that you can study or mug up because it is really about an aptitude, that has to be part of your higher education days, not something you can suddenly develop. So I am … Continue reading Update On House Painting, Call From TISS
Important learning, if you are painting your home and want to highlight one of the wall with Asian Paints Royale texture, get it done by the company artists directly. The thekedar won’t be able to do the texture properly. I am very sad with what happened to our wall. For one year I have visualized the colour of our house, I wanted the featured wall in Madder Red, Asian Paint’s colour of the year 2016 and other 3 walls in Yellow Charm. This is part of their Rekindle collection, also a 2016 collection. I love minimalist design, and bold solid … Continue reading Painting Our House: Important Learning
“To live longer than forty years is bad manners, is vulgar, immoral. Who does live beyond forty? I will tell you who do: fools and worthless fellows.” ~Fyodor Dostoevsky, Notes From The Underground So, I have now celebrated my 40th … Continue reading How I Celebrated My 40th Birthday
It has been over 2 years our tiny Mahavir Enclave (ME) house is lying vacant. My father retired from Central Government in 2005, after a service of 40 years. To everybody’s contempt, for which he has to always face all kinds of taunts and accusations and reprimands, at the time of retirement he failed to secure enough savings to buy a 3 bed room apartment anywhere in Delhi. I don’t know what we deserved, but we surely needed at least a 1200 sq feet 3 bed room apartment in a multi-storied complex with 24 hours water, lifts, power backup, gyms … Continue reading Ghar Bana Liya Basu ji?
Writing this in lightening speed. Gotta keep my followers updated on what’s happening in life even though my hands are too full for blogging. For the last 3 days all I am doing is lying under my favourite Portico sheets … Continue reading Hugh Laurie is Getting A Star I Am Not Invited and Other Stories
Update: 12th October 2016 I continue to update this blog with any development on this chapter of my life, this breakup. On Facebook I maintain the continuity by making updates tagged with #SVDAndI it is a spin off on the British satirical film Withnail and I. On this blog, follow the category SVDAndI for all related stories. Update: 20-Aug-2016 This is the story of my break up with a friend I had for almost 30 year. The lines (below) written on 26th July was the first reaction I had to this breakup. At that time I was still thinking this is a fight and … Continue reading The World As I Knew It Has Ended
My MA exams got over on 17th June, since then I have been just lazing around at home doing nothing. I cook, eat, watch TV/Films, read, write. But these are not doing anything are they? I don’t have a job, I don’t earn anything so I don’t do anything. Dad went to Dehradun to be with my sister a day after my exam was over. He came back this Sunday, 3rd July. So basically, I was home alone for two full weeks. Every time this happens I plan to party hard, wild and naughty but I am all talk and … Continue reading The Rock Crawling Out of The Slumber
Hello people. A confession, the staying off Facebook / Twitter didn’t really work. Social media platforms are no longer just places to share your thoughts but also to seek information and exchange ideas. This bit was missing when we first started blogging. Back then it was only about sharing. So that’s a learning from this experiment. But the sad part is that the news we are accessing on social media is like not even like .1% of the world. I looked up popular news website, NDTV, TOI, BBC, Guardian.co.UK and you know what i found? Everywhere there are only the same 3-4 … Continue reading The News Sucks And There’s a Femicide in Guatamela
How does a woman reconcile and negotiate her cultural identity with the gender identity where her culture is inherently oppressive to women. Continue reading Race, gender and nation: Case of Afghnistan
Alright whenever mom is not around I have a lot of issues with dad. This blog has already seen evidence of that. Since last night he’s given me 10 warnings that, “Tomorrow, early morning, I would go to Sarojini Nagar Market.” In this heat, he wants to venture out, go to Sarojini from Dwarka, changing two buses for some work he can easily do on a weekday after office hours, maybe by adjusting a few hours here and there. He would never taken an auto (three-wheeler). He has NEVER taken an auto or cab in his entire life for himself alone. Can anybody … Continue reading When Old People Don’t Know They Are Old And Are Stubborn
I will be writing this blog through the day, with each update I would send a Tweet and FB update. Continue reading Social Media Existential Crisis – Day 1 of Experiment
Facebook and social media in general is making me miserable. So I am doing an experiment to answer some existential crisis. Continue reading Acceptance Validation and Appreciation – 3 Things We Seek on Social Media
When watching a film is not about entertainment. I was staying with a bunch of young hippies who were playing guitar and singing songs early in the morning. I took a shower and went and sat next to them listening … Continue reading Surreal dream, pain and Darren Aronofsky’s Pi
I just came back from my SWBT (Single Woman Budget Traveler) trip to Manali, Leh and parts of Ladakh. I went impromptu, solo, on a budget, I traveled in state run public transport and shared cabs and stayed in low … Continue reading Life is back off track and I love it
Oye Lucky Lucky Oye that Abhay Deol starer film was one of my all-time favourite films. Not anymore for I met a Lucky in my real life.
It happened in broad day light at the Hauz Khas – IIT gate traffic signal, opposite to Essex Farm, amidst a heavy Monday evening traffic and right under the nose of 4 traffic cops posted at the signal.
I was on my way back to my residence in Dwarka after finishing a meeting at the Adchini area. If you know the map of that area you’d know that in order to go to Dwarka or Airport from Adchini which is on your left you have to drive till the signal opposite to Mother’s International School and take a U-turn so that landmarks like Essex Farm, Indian Oil petrol pump or Turcoise Cottage are now on your right. Straight ahead is Hauz Khas and on your left is the IIT gate, you take a free left turn for Dwarka / Airport from this point. Free left turn only if the traffic allows, sometimes it doesn’t. Continue reading “I met Lucky but I didn’t get lucky – Delhi’s Thak Thak Gang’s smooth criminals”
It’s 3 am. The sky outside is thundering and pouring. I can’t sleep. I find the night so much more interesting than day, that I don’t feel like sleeping over it. Right now, all is quiet. Am alone in my room, on my bed. This space is so secure, so comfortable, so completely mine. No intruders, no door bells, no phone calls. Nobody to see me or judge me or question me. I feel free of all inhibitions at nights.
That is on 23rd of Jan. It was also the birthday of Netaji Subhash, Bal Thackeray and Lord Denning. I simply cannot stop obsessing over the coincidence of my birth date matching with these men, a fierce freedom fighter, the original Indian Godfather and one of the most popular Jurist who worked so much for individual liberty. It wouldn’t be wrong to say that the mere coincidence of my birth date and my name has influenced me for most part of my life.
Samyukta Media is alive and kicking, please visit website for more updates http://www.samyuktamedia.com So it has been about 3 months that I have quit and an update is much needed on how has life been without a job. Life has been … Continue reading Launch of Samyukta Media: My small step in a big world
This weekend it is my Birthday. Read my previous Birthday posts – 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006 10 am No body called at mid-night this year. Of all the friends only Snigdha called so far. She asked if I am feeling any wiser and any more prudent with another year added to life. Good question. Well I am certainly less freaky this year about people not calling me to wish. I mean I care less because I understand that people are busy. Most friends have got married, had babies and have complicated their lives. So ya may be I am wiser … Continue reading Birthday 2010 – Am I any wiser?
This morning we lost our dog Jango.
He was 11 and a half years old. He had never shown signs of old age until last Sunday when he refused to eat his meals.
This was the first time ever that he said no to any thing that was edible. He was the most hungry dog we’ve ever known. Naturally it worried us all. On Monday, my mom, dad and sister took him to the Vet. The Vet said, “he doesn’t have any ailment as such, just signs of old age, give him liquid food, he’ll be fine.”
But his conditioned worsened during the week. Meanwhile on Tuesday my sister and mom had to travel to Kolkata and other places which they wanted to cancel considering jango wasn’t well but the vet assured them that the situation wasn’t so serious. He also assured that I need not take a flight to Delhi immediately. He said he has enough time to live but of course he is getting old. So mom and sis went ahead with the travel plan leaving Dad to look after Jango. I am of course based out of a different city.
And here in Bangalore I came over to stay at Snigdha-Vinayak’s place for couple of days since the doctor said Snigdha might go into labour any time now. In case it happens in the night, Vince would drive there should be somebody to sit with her. The big news also came that their dogs Pondy and Alleppy are also gonna be parents, Alleppey is pregnant.
This weekend and another weekend this month or last month, the Saturday evenings were spent at Snigdha–Vinayak’s place. What I usually do is land up at their place for lunch and then hang around till dinner. Towards the evening we always go to the terrace and enjoy the breeze and do a lot of talking. Three of us are amazing talkers. There is not another soul besides my sister with who I can talk so much on so many varied topics as much as I do with Snig and Vince.
Today when we were sitting on the terrace I had told the universe via twitter, “am with @snigdha @lighttripper on their terrace. They are few meters away from me yet this I can only tweet, not say – I love you guys.” For emotional intimate communication twitter works for me, I can’t ever say I love you face to face.
Phew! So much is going on in life, just don’t have the time to blog. This person asked, “whats up?” Now for some it might just be a conversation starter but for me it is a dilemma, should I or shouldn’t I start telling what all is really up. Let me see, umm, from the last time we met, work, hectic, health bad, food outside, activities, NDTV, We the people, Barkha Dutt, happy, Mutiny, stress, friend, hope-to-be-boyfriend, fight, patch up, love, sex, valentine’s day, free hugs campaign, fame some more, travel, Goa…Those are the things that has been up off late. I don’t think you’ll like it if I really start talking about what’s up, and that’s why my safe answer would be “nothing much, life in general.”
25th October 08
Over the past few weeks I have been going through, what I understand it to be, the most depressing phase of my life. I never knew what exactly depression means and how it gives you a fuckall feeling all through the day. I don’t feel like going out of the walls I live in. Some times I feel like sleeping for long hours which is to say for 18-20 hours, sometimes I can’t sleep at all, I lay awake on my bed all night or spend the whole night staring at the laptop screen even when I have nothing to do on it. I have been skipping work every other day, and even when I am at work I am being un-productive.
Every thing around me either irritates me or makes me angry or hyper emotional inducing sudden large drops of tears. Heck! I even had a few drops rolling down my cheek watching Obama win. As I heard Arnab Goswami echoing on Times Now, “this is uh one man’s uh historical journey…” I felt a lump in my throat and I went, “Fuck you Arnab, making me emotional over something I just don’t care about, what are you, the fat lady from the Opera.”
Furobiker Abhishek, Lakshmi, Kalyan, Arnold, Aneesha, Seema, PP, Eddie, Rashmi, Snigdha and Anantha – Thanks to each one of you for still being around. I bestow upon you the ‘Most loyal reader‘ awards. And from this day on this blog is going to start a new chapter in its life with 11 of its most loyal readers. The previous post got 83 unique page views half of them came through web half of them from RSS feed but only 11 commented. I am going to start this new chapter by establishing a personal relationship with these 11 readers, I don’t … Continue reading Thanks
Did anybody miss me? A lot has been going on. Will tell you all about it. Blame Twitter for the lack of blogging by the way. They made it so easy to express in such few words that you dont’ wanna write long pages anymore. A few drafts are lying around since November. Will publish them shortly. But meanwhile just wanted to check who all are still reading this blog. If you are here, could you please leave a message? Please? And oh, for more regular updates follow me on Twitter. You’d love my tweets. Continue reading Long time, I know
Well she is right. Blogging has not been really happening the way it used to be 3 years back. There is no particular reason for it. I just don’t feel so much anymore to be expressed. I feel a lot about the political issues in the country which I express on Mutiny or if I have to use profanity I go to TIMM.
There isn’t much of a personal life to be blogged about anyway. Very cliched it is but the right word is, ‘comfortably numb’ (what would we sad people do without a Roger Waters) No romance to pursue, no heart aches, no more dreams to be broken.
To make matter worse, something happened in the recent past, on a Let’s Go trip to be precise, which made me go into a withdrawal state of mind, where I felt like withdrawing myself from everything in life.
Socializing activities was the first casualty of this state. I am a very vulnerable person. In the real world out there it’s very easy to hurt me. Most of the time I am easy going, I don’t mind people pulling my legs, if you are making fun of me I would rather smile and ignore instead of making a big deal out of it. Unfortunately, I haven’t learnt where to draw the line so people come and walk all over me and I can’t even say a thing.
I woke up today with a terrible stomach ache. I can’t explain what it was like but it took me back some 15 years. Those days this kind of pain was more common with me. The heart burn and the pricking pain is more recent.
As long as my memory can go back I have had these stomach aches. Now I am a chronic patient. When I was in teens or pre teens I used to have a pain on the left abdomen around where we have the love handles. At times they used to be all around the stomach, at times they’d be on the back, there would be times when I can’t sit, stand, lie, walk, cant do anything. It’s really unexplainable. These days, that is to say since the past 3-4 years its a constant heart burn, a pain right in the middle of my chest along with a pricking pain which mostly starts at around the belly button and travels towards my back through the right lower abdomen.
Then there have been occasional cases of severe pain in the left extreme lower abdomen. One such time some 7-8 years back I had to be taken to the emergency ward in Safdarjung Hospital. However they didn’t exactly consider it an emergency case. They gave me charcoal, another sort of laxative which is supposed to be extremely effective.
That was a PG rating for mom and dad coz they both are quite a fan of my blog.
These weird thoughts just came to mind, dunno from where – what is this obsession men have with BBWs? Ok wikipedia would inform you BBW = Big Beautiful Women, but c’mon we all know what it actually is ‘big breasted women.’ So why do men have this obsession for big boobs. No that’s a serious question.
Somebody explain this to me. Isn’t it true that a fat women would by default have a considerably big size (for lack of more decent words). Does that mean this popular interest men have for big bs (what? What did I say?) is in effect an interest in fat girls?
But last I checked fat = ugly. One thing men say, and I know it as a matter of fact, is this, “Oh! I don’t like skinny women but they should have a decent figure, should not look unhealthy.”
Now question is what are the chances of a girl with decent figure having big bs? Will she have it naturally or would she have to get some silicon. Also when you get those siliocon does it function normally? As in can you breast feed a child?
Talking about this fetish look what I found, Boobpedia. Surprises me so much to see what all things are the people of this world engage in. I mean boobpedia of all things. And if you visit one of the orkut communities man is it enlightenment or is it enlightenment. From Incest to pedophiles ask what is not there. People narrating stories of how they got fucked by their parents or raped their sisters. I wonder is it all for real? Do people really have such bizarre fetishes?
Holi was good. Nothing much to write about it. I uploaded some pics on flickr, in 2 sets, Pondi and Alleppey’s Holi and Our Holi check them out. The long weekend was eventful. Wrote an emotional email, contemplated marriage, got on everybody’s nerve pushing them for Blogathon Admin tasks and then on Sunday evening I went out for a bit to quickly visit the parlour. Parlour was closed, so I thought let me pick up some DVDs from the local rental library, picked up 9 movies. The next thought on mind was, I also need a good ear phone … Continue reading Holi 2008
Been a year and a month in Bangalore. Time flew by indeed and I have finally begin to feel I am settled here, only thing I miss is my car. I always wanted to have a car because it gives me a tremendous feeling of independence. As if those are not wheels but wings. I guess I’ll get the car in May when my sister would be finished with her MA classes. A friend today asked, “you still in Bangalore?” I said, “yes and I’ll be here for some more time, kind of settled now, rented out a home looking … Continue reading Life in Bangalore: On newly found independence
I, Snig and the gang are planning to celebrate the coming holi with lots of fun and frolic. One of the main item on the celebration agenda is to prepare the traditional Gujia for all. Gujia reminded me of writing this post. Holi, is the festival of colors, some blue (sad) some green (envy) and some purple (melancholy), not all colors are happy colors you see. This is a piece I actually wrote last year on the day of Holi, late at night when all the colors were over. Last year also I and Snig made Gujia and this piece … Continue reading Holi: Then & Now
Being talented is not that fun always. At times you have to pay dearly for it. Now when you know there are about 54 lease documents that you’d have to go through. Read them, understand them and check if what your client is paying to the Landlord in terms of rent is exactly what he is supposed to pay as per the Lease. You know you have to finish this sample audit by 25th of Feb. And on 15th of Feb if you have to email your client, that the Audit is going great guns you gotta be talented to … Continue reading This Weekend
Left to Right: Snigs, Kreeti and Me at Pecos, Church Street, Bangalore ————– They say sunsigns are all bull shit. But I think it has to be too much of a coincidence that it was this bunch of 3 intelligent, smart, whacky, eccentric and super sexy aquarians that has together done some of the greatest fun things in life, have had the craziest time together with love and hate so intricately interwoven and have been able to stick together for all these years. Year 1985 till date and still going strong. Today’s is Kreeti Bhakt’s Birthday…I have no clue why she … Continue reading Happy Birthday – 3 Aquarians
When Mr. Das found his wife at BCB5 he decided to adopt his wife’s best friend too…me. Well, I say “he adopted” and he says “aap to dahej mein aa gaye ho” whatever, doesn’t matter, I found a second home that’s what is important. We used to call Mr. Das’s wife as Lappu in school for some reason I just don’t remember. That Lappu joined the 30s bandwagon today…Yipiee…Happy Birthday Snigs, from now on till 39 it’s the same difference…(and she is all set to kill me for disclosing her age) Snig’s 30th birthday kicked off watching the last few … Continue reading Happy Birthday Lappu
30th Birthday’s gifts, the one time somebody got me flowers… —- Three great people were born on the 23rd day of January, Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose, Lord Denning and Yours Truly…That’s right Happy Birthday to me.. oh remembered another name, Bal Thackeray. (What a varied range of personalities) Freezing my age at 30…few years down the line you won’t be able to keep track any more :D. Most frequently asked question on all birthdays, “What plan?” A very depressing one this is, I tell you. Answer, no plan, you don’t plan your own birthday, your friends and family should … Continue reading Still 30
Another year, another time. Another picture on another wall. Couple of things before I take mom for the new year trip to Mysore, Ooty Coonor etc. Carrying forward a hardware problem. My laptop eating up alphabets, so much so that if I switch if off, I can’t even type my user name and password to reboot. Now this is a major fuck up because it has ruined my plans of travel blogging, live twittering et all. If I can’t switch it on I also won’t be able to transfer the pics from my Digicam to the laptop when I exhaust the cam … Continue reading Happy New year
Something about the world is different today, and it would never be the same. Mshewta, friend from the core circle at school, lost her mother yesterday. Shaken. The members of their generation have begin to leave. We all have been like family, so many days and hours spent chatting with her, when ever we visited her house aunty would talk more to us. This dussherrah when I went to Delhi I thought I’d go and meet aunty but couldn’t, she wasn’t keeping well for long, the woman had struggeled a lot in life. Gone. Shall always remember her daal parotas, … Continue reading This morning’s thoughts
Addendum: This post was featured on Bangalore Mirror dated 28-Dec-07 under the blog talk section. This was the 3rd time this blog got featured under the same section and the 5th time my name appeared in Bangalore Mirror. ————————— December fever as dad calls it, occurs during the last 5 days of the month of December to the Government officials. They are entitled to 8 casual leaves and 2 restricted holidays during a year, they avail around 30 CLs and still they are always left with around 5-6 CLs (Because they never submitted the leave applications) which they avail during … Continue reading December Fever