This weekend and another weekend this month or last month, the Saturday evenings were spent at SnigdhaVinayak’s place. What I usually do is land up at their place for lunch and then hang around till dinner. Towards the evening we always go to the terrace and enjoy the breeze and do a lot of talking. Three of us are amazing talkers. There is not another soul besides my sister with who I can talk so much on so many varied topics as much as I do with Snig and Vince.

Today when we were sitting on the terrace I had told the universe via twitter, “am with @snigdha @lighttripper on their terrace. They are few meters away from me yet this I can only tweet, not say – I love you guys.” For emotional intimate communication twitter works for me, I can’t ever say I love you face to face.

They are going to have a baby this August. Snig looks like any mommy-to-be in her 8th month of pregnancy would look like. Seeing her makes me realize how the size of your body really makes no difference to your beauty. She doesn’t look any different to me, she is just as pretty as she always was. I wonder how conditioned are we to think beauty is about the shape and size of the body.

I asked them them what would their approach be towards the various life decision their child would take. A long discussion followed on how modern parents should accommodate their children’s psychology with their own.

As a general rule I think parents should have unconditional acceptance of the choices their children make regarding love, marriage, sexuality etc. Career choices too should more or less be accepted unless he/she wants to become a drug peddler or serial killer or something. Parents should inform their children from childhood that while its on the parents to do all that is needed to give them a good education and help them make a career, it would be their own responsibility to manage with their choice of life partner, wedding and the life beyond that.

Motherhood, that’s the closest I’ll get…

The urge to produce babies and raise them is perhaps a very basic urge hidden in the inherent creativity that we are born with. We like to create something and be proud of it. We want to make something that we think is perfect. I have never felt motherhood per se, never imagined myself as a mother but all these talk about raising a child made me want to raise one of mine too, my own by me for myself and for the world to see, my creation, my child.

Sounds pretty selfish, doesn’t it? I think this whole procreation is a cycle which runs on self interest. We produce and raise children because we want them to take care of us when we are old. When they don’t, we say, “We did everything we could to raise you and now this is how you are paying us back.”

But think about it, did they ask us to have sex and bring them to earth? Do parents do a favor on their children by giving them best of the health and education? Why should there be a sense of duty to give back when they grow up? Are children some kind of investment plan?

In this world we must all learn to take care of ourselves on our own. If our family take care of us, good enough but that expectation shouldn’t be the basis of any relationship including parent-children. All must learn to walk alone.

Alleppy and me
Snig and Vince's Alleppy and me. Photo: Vinayak Das (Vince)

Some time last week I heard from a friend that there is this month old German Shepard puppy that is looking for a home.

A sudden mother instinct urged me to right away get the pup home. But alas there are way too many obstacles in getting a pet right now. I live alone and a pup needs all the attention and care just like a human baby, I can’t afford all that. So I had to decide against the idea but taking that decision was one of the hardest thing to do. It was almost like I got accidentally pregnant and now I have to decide whether I should keep the baby or not.

I wished I had a boyfriend who could do this together with me, we could have rented out a home and taken turns to look after the pup. Then I called home to ask mom dad if they can help me with it. But they said “No.”

I am not yet ready for a baby, human or pets.

Night Drive…

On my way back from Snig-Vince’s place I kept driving on the Old Madras Road. It was minutes past 1 am on a Saturday night. The city looked so different at night. Same roads seemed to be wider because there were no traffic, suddenly you feel you can see more clearly the colors of the buildings, the art on the walls and read the sign boards. There seemed to be more dogs on the street at night and they had this look on their face which suggests we are intruding in their business, serious business!

There is a graveyard on Old Madras Road, I had an extreme urge to pull over in front of it and look at the graves. But right at the gate of the graveyard there was a police van. I didn’t want to catch their attention so I just slowed down in front of the gate, had a quick glance at the stillness of the graves and drove away. The stillness, it lingered on.

Lost love…

I keep an online journal, a blog that is private only for my viewing. I was reading it this weekend and a realization hit me. There used to be a guy I once dated for a while. He was one of the nice dates I have been on. We both liked each other for a short while. From being dates we became friends, then common friends and then some misunderstanding made us lose each other to nothingness.

This weekend as I read the transcript of one of our chat conversations I realized it was not all his fault. I had acted strangely. I had suddenly let go off him and moved on. I thought we both had passed the dating phase and were ready to move on. In just no time I turned around and said, “I have a crush on R”, a common friend.

Months later he told me he had feelings for me even on the day I told about R. How could I be so dumb to not see his feelings I don’t know? How could I tell him I had feelings for another man when we had not drawn the formal curtains on our dating phase.

But why didn’t he say anything if he had feelings for me? Why months later? Or did he make it up to make me feel bad?

Anyway, so I felt bad and added him on facebook. I wrote to him, “Hey, if you don’t have any hard feelings, please accept the friend request.” He didn’t, at least not yet. Perhaps he won’t. If he is pissed at me he would remain so all his life. It was for him that I wrote these lines and now they hit me hard.

“In life it is so very rare that you meet someone that you truly like and that someone also happens to like you, to find is difficult to keep is an effort. A lot of care and concern…it is just that much and we fail to achieve. That smile, that look, that thing you feel, its very delicate, very fragile, if you find it carry it with caution, handle it with care…”

I found it but I didn’t care enough about it. Who knows may be he was the man I was meant to be with. Or may be not, may be I am just getting a bit too emotional. After all if it was meant to be it would have happened, love shouldn’t need efforts.

And more…later