I give up

I woke up today with a terrible stomach ache. I can’t explain what it was like but it took me back some 15 years. Those days this kind of pain was more common with me. The heart burn and the pricking pain is more recent.

As long as my memory can go back I have had these stomach aches. Now I am a chronic patient. When I was in teens or pre teens I used to have a pain on the left abdomen around where we have the love handles. At times they used to be all around the stomach, at times they’d be on the back, there would be times when I can’t sit, stand, lie, walk, cant do anything. It’s really unexplainable. These days, that is to say since the past 3-4 years its a constant heart burn, a pain right in the middle of my chest along with a pricking pain which mostly starts at around the belly button and travels towards my back through the right lower abdomen.

Then there have been occasional cases of severe pain in the left extreme lower abdomen. One such time some 7-8 years back I had to be taken to the emergency ward in Safdarjung Hospital. However they didn’t exactly consider it an emergency case. They gave me charcoal, another sort of laxative which is supposed to be extremely effective.

Very recently I also have had begin to have blood along with my stool. The first time I had it was in 2005. I was scared and didn’t tell anyone and it didn’t happen again. But since end of 2007 till date I have had some 5-6 occassions when I have bled while defecating. I continously feel nauseated while that happens coupled with the heart burn.

This June itself I felt this severe pain in lower abdomen when I woke up. I had to almost shriek, I couldn’t stand erect because of it. But it eased after I had the morning pee. So is it something with the Kidney. I don’t know.

Doctor? Yes I have seen many. And I am sick and tired of them. They all have exactly the same treatement for all these years. Time and again I have been prescribed laxatives and antacids. It’s either a Cremafin or an Isabgol, its either Rantac or Ranitidine, it’s either an Eno or a Histac. Is there no better treatment for this? How long can one keep having laxatives and antacids. If I follow their prescription I am supposed to take it every night post dinner, it gives me nausea goddammit. I can’t take it every night.

In February I also had an Ultrasound done, nothing came out of it. Every time I visit a doctore he’d prescribe me those laxatives and antacid for the first 30 days and will then ask me to revisit. These 30 days I understand is the first stage of medication. But I have been going through this first stage for the past 15 years and they never seem to move to the second stage. And the high minded doc is never ready to listen or understand that I have already been through the first stage because it wasn’t him who took me through it. It was some other doc, and each doc wants to start it all over again.

The other option I have is eat healthy. These days I do. But the bloody problem is it doesnt matter what I eat or what I don’t eat. There have been times when I have been eating lots of salads, vegetables roughages and yet I had an attack, then there are times when I ate out a lot for a continous 4-5 days and I had the pain attack. But there is just no pattern that one can recognise and label as something to be avoided.

So, I have really given up now. I just live with it. It’s not easy, the feeling is horrible but I do live with it. I don’t know what else to do.

I didn’t want to write about all these depressing shit but couldn’t help it. Thought it would help to record the history of this illness. May be if a doc could read the symptoms and history he’d know what am I trying to tell. Somewhow when I visit them in clinic I can’t explain all these properly.

Well that’s true of most things about me. I can’t ever explain myself when am talking face to face. I can only express best in writing.

There are a lot of things I want to blog about today. And I don’t care if anybody is interested in reading them or not, I just want to share. Let me staart another post though.

One last thing before I move on to another topic. Throughout the morning today when I was feeling sick and was crying in pain I was thinking how will it be to have your partner / spouse / around in the house when you are going through this. I think it would be a bad idea. I mean I don’t want someone to see me in this silly state, I am not even completely dressed, I am at the verge of puking, I am dirty and smelly and I look miserable. I would be so uncomfortable if there was another person in the house right now.